Venting about impending BIL visit - I want nothing to do with it, thanks.

[GodSavetheJean]

BIL (Dh brother) coming this weekend. He is 57, never married, no kids, no relationships, no job for most of his life. He is harmless, but also rather useless. He gets by on disability, and has also been the benefactor of several inheritances so is very comfortable financially.

I am extremely busy this summer with work, elderly parents needs, and other stressful things of my own. While I am glad he is coming to visit for Dh sake, I dont feel arsed to provide a weekend of fun for BIL. BIL has dropped several hints about what I can cook for him while he visits. I am a great cook but truthfully the more he hints, the less inclined I am to do it. And I know it is resentment on my part because he sees this as a vacation for him to be treated and pampered, and all I can think is "Vacation from what? Your life of leisure where you eat out every day because you are too lazy to cook??"
DH also seems to be relying on my for the planning and entertainment. Honestly I just want to left alone to rest and take care of myself. I wont, because I am an eldest daughter so my sense of duty and need to people-please will win out and I will make the weekend a lovely time for all.

Just bitter.

Well, stop feeling like you need to people please and push it back to your husband.

Feign illness!!

Arrange something for yourself for part of the weekend, and tell your DH he will have to pander to his brother for a while.

Suggest you all get a takeaway - no stress involved there.

Yes this. Why is it up to you to entertain your BIL. You need to make it clear that you've got stuff on your plate and he'll have to get on with it. If you're good cook perhaps you could offer to cook one night but other than that I'd be doing naff all.

Get DH to book some lovely restaurants for you all. Do not cook. Breakfast is pastry cereal and tea/coffee. Insist he takes BIL out by himself to re bond. I'd cope with that I think, but you might not!

Make it clear to DH that it is on him to entertain his bil, and that cooking will be standard and simple fare, you have too much going on to faff around pandering to his bil.

Is this an eldest daughter thing? I'm one, and i have no shits to give about people pleasing in scenarios like this. I'll do it for nice relatives, but not lazy so and sos I'm not related to.

I mean…you and DH are hosting him, no matter what his daily life looks like right? But yeah DH can definitely take up the majority cooking and entertaining duties.

Surely you won't be intruding on their boys weekend?
No need for you to even be home!!

Can’t you visit your parents during the day and say you’ll be back at 7 and ask for the dinner to be on the table or for a restaurant to be booked.

Well, more fool you if you choose to skivvy all weekend. No one is forcing you at gunpoint. Acknowledge to yourself that you are actively choosing to slave for a man you neither like nor respect. This is not written unalterably into your DNA or anything, I’m an eldest daughter who was brought up to be dutiful and compliant by a chronic people- pleaser. But I am an adult with the power to make better decisions now. So are you. Be very clear about the fact that you have a choice here, and that you are choosing to behave as though your feelings and your work are less important than the wishes of a man you neither like nor respect.

Who clearly does respect you either, or he wouldn’t be treating you like the hired help. As is your DH, which is more serious.

But that’s what people-pleasing gets you — nowhere.

This seems to be an opportunity for a weekend, or at least an overnight, to recharge your batteries. Book into a hotel somewhere.

Then announce cheerfully on Saturday morning 'See you tomorrow, I'm in x town tonight, have a lovely day together'. Then walk out the door with your bag.

Put your phone on silent and apologise profusely on Sunday afternoon for missing any calls.

'Hahahha you'll have to ask DH'
What does he do all day, out of interest.

If you allow yourself to be a martyr, you can't really complain about it. Your DH and his brother are two grown men who can entertain and feed themselves for a weekend! I would be very busy and popping in and out and letting them get on with it. Make it clear to your DH that you won't be cooking and that they can entertain themselves.

Honestly I just want to left alone to rest and take care of myself. I wont, because I am an eldest daughter so my sense of duty and need to people-please will win out and I will make the weekend a lovely time for all.

Just bitter.

Yes, people-pleasers are always bitter and, consciously or unconsciously, deeply angry, because at some level they think 'But I do nice things for people, so they should appreciate me!'

Except that's not how it works. Not surprisingly. Look at what you've just said. You have a set of wishes for the weekend. Your DH and BIL want you to set those aside and skivvy for them. And why wouldn't they? You say yourself you always choose to prioritise skivvying for other people over your own wishes. So they take it for granted you're their human service animal, which then means they don't appreciate or respect you.

You are actively choosing to (1) have a weekend doing things you don't want to do for someone who thinks you're his skivvy and (2) to be bitter.

You could have a weekend doing exactly what you please.

It's your choice.

He sleeps in, goes for coffee, naps, watches TV, reads the paper, occasionally takes a trip or buys an antique. He actually has the life I want, which is why I am so bitter!!

Did DH get similar inheritance?

This is what I actually think I am going to do. I will make a nice meal for his first night, be at work the next day so DH will cook, then have some errands to run Saturday and suggest we meet somewhere for dinner later. I will do a nice brunch Sunday because my adult kids will be there. I appreciate all the lectures but I freely admit I am venting.

Leave it all for your DH to sort out.

Like this - you need to time to bond. I’m with Sheila on Monday and Susan on Tuesday etc

People pleasers are their own worst enemy imo.

I know you didn't ask but YABU and come across as very jealous.

Don’t be bitter. Make difference choices, you know it’s bullshit either of them expects you to skivvy for them. I’m an oldest daughter and a good cook. I don’t martyr myself for anyone.

If you lie down on the floor, don't be surprised if people walk on you.

You and only you can change this. Just tell your husband he is hosting, tada, problem solved.

People pleasing is not an attractive trait, its just weakness and an inability to deal with the discomfort of feeling uncomfortable when you say no.

Just stop caring, its very simple.