Venting about impending BIL visit - I want nothing to do with it, thanks.

[GodSavetheJean]

BIL (Dh brother) coming this weekend. He is 57, never married, no kids, no relationships, no job for most of his life. He is harmless, but also rather useless. He gets by on disability, and has also been the benefactor of several inheritances so is very comfortable financially.

I am extremely busy this summer with work, elderly parents needs, and other stressful things of my own. While I am glad he is coming to visit for Dh sake, I dont feel arsed to provide a weekend of fun for BIL. BIL has dropped several hints about what I can cook for him while he visits. I am a great cook but truthfully the more he hints, the less inclined I am to do it. And I know it is resentment on my part because he sees this as a vacation for him to be treated and pampered, and all I can think is "Vacation from what? Your life of leisure where you eat out every day because you are too lazy to cook??"
DH also seems to be relying on my for the planning and entertainment. Honestly I just want to left alone to rest and take care of myself. I wont, because I am an eldest daughter so my sense of duty and need to people-please will win out and I will make the weekend a lovely time for all.

Just bitter.

I’m an eldest daughter. I do not people please 😁 dh would be cooking, and I would be in and out doing my things.

I’m an eldest daughter. I do not people please 😁 dh would be cooking, and I would be in and out doing my things.

Surely this calls for
"His brother, his problem"?

A lifelong sense of duty is very hard to override especially as it's for a weekend only ( you hope)!
I understand where you're coming from OP.
I think what you proposed you would do with the weekend is perfect.
It's abundantly clear your BIL and DH are expecting to have the red carpet laid out, well a lot of things have changed over the last few years everywhere, and you can make this your change and good for you!
Stick with the plan, I think it sounds very reasonable.

This is a problem entirely of your own making.

I see this eldest daughter thing on the internet all the time.

I have to say I haven’t seen it in real life. Not even in previous generations.

Yup, me too. Stop being a martyr op. You can say no - if you don’t, that’s on you.

BIL.has mentioned a dish that you cook very well. Hand your DH the recipe and say "over to you".

I was that the Older Daughter/Only Daughter and I changed my ways. I strongly recommend it. Tell DH that he is entertaining his brother. I would not go out of my way to make an extra nice meal on the Friday just have what you would normally have. DH can do all the hosting on Saturday and book somewhere nice for dinner. DH, DBL and Kids can all help with brunch on Sunday.

Stage one of getting over this mindset is to be conveniently "busy", make excuses, get away from it, run about still not enjoying yourself because you're hiding from the real issue.

Stage two is much better. "No that doesn't work for me, I hope you both have fun though!" And then do exactly whatever the fuck you want. Whether that's to lay in front of the TV, or stay in bed, or aimlessly fill your time with literally whatever you want and not cook a single bean. No hiding away, no compromising.

ITFEELSFUCKINGAMAZING

And often has two added bonuses; one is it can get the Users and Time Vampires to actually sort their shit behaviour out and pull their weight more. And; two is that it can miraculously cure the impotent @bitterness.

This. Just tell them no

“DH also seems to be relying on me for the planning and entertainment.”

Well, tell him you’re jolly well not going to. Rather than cooking a nice meal on the first night, why don’t you suggest going out, or failing that get in a take-away, or even just buy some pizzas, garlic bread and coleslaw? No-one is making you slave away for this layabout, and if the weather continues as warm as it is, I’d suggest to DH that you have a barbecue and leave him to do the cooking. Like you, I am a good cook, but I would be exceedingly irritated to be given massive hunts about meals that I could provide! Brunch on Sunday to benefit your DC is a good idea - but I would absolutely be leaving the brunt of the arrangements and shopping to DH.

Ah so only cooking him a nice meal two out of three days and probably paying for his meal out the other day that will really show them....

If you lie on the floor then don't be surprised when people walk all over you.

Also an eldest daughter, and don't feel the need to act like the household skivvy, not sure why you're blaming your birth order for your lack of a spine.

When PIL died, DH and his other siblings got something, but not what BIL did.. BIL has always been the pampered one due to MH issues. He was left the PIL (small, but in lovely condition) home, as well as the condo of an elderly aunt who had no children. So two homes. He sold the PIL home, and lives in the condo since it is more his style and in a nice location in a city. And I know stating that will seem like I am jealous, but honestly it gives him a home and money so DH doesnt feel like we need to take him in, and that is worth much more to me in sanity than either of the homes.

So he's used to being indulged and expects the same from you as it's his normal. Time for a shake up.

DO NOT cook or entertain either of them.

Plan your own weekend, whether that be resting, going out shopping, cinema, out for a nice meal on your own, whatever you're into, but do not life one finger for either of them.

They are both being sexist by assuming you will be their personal cook and maid for the weekend. How dare they.

If you're taking to him enough for home to be "dropping hints" I'd say BIL it will be lovely to see you but I'm snowed under with xyz, I'm afraid you and DH will be fending for yourselves. Just say it. There's no need to make up any excuses.

@GodSavetheJean please, please take your resentment with the seriousness it deserves. You are not a slave. You are not in chains.
It's way too hot to cook anything anyway. All reasonable adults should be capable of feeding themselves. What's wrong with everyone just making their own ham sandwich, popping a quiche in the oven, serving themselves with ice cream? No-one will die, no-one will starve.
Just. Say. NO.
You can do it you know. That's why you're here, because deep deep down, you KNOW you can do it and you KNOW you must.
Please keep us posted as to your progress. You will make progress- you've taken the first step.
Yours, a recovered people pleaser! 😄

What a couple of big babies those men are. Stop spoon feeding them and have the weekend you want, woman! You can do it!

Which tbf is probably why PILs did it the way they did

I used to be like this with my MiL who would visit from Spain for a week or or 5. Now I step back do my own thing and don't let that internalised guilt/patriarchal expectation made me do things I don't want to do and get no thanks for. Honestly it's been fine my DH has stepped up and I find I'm actually happy to do some things. Your dh can cook and plan but if you choose to keep doing it all that's on you. Rod, back choices

Then he’s paying for the dinner out

Not an eldest daughter thing. Also the eldest here and I wouldn’t do that for my own sister unless I wanted to. I frequently say no to similar requests from family members

Ah so only cooking him a nice meal two out of three days and probably paying for his meal out the other day that will really show them....If you lie on the floor then don't be surprised when people walk all over you.

Well, quite! It's hardly putting your foot down.

Man up, OP and reply when this man tells you what he thinks you should be cooking for him.

What about-'ha ha, sorry-I'm snowed under, they'll be no big home-cooked meals, I'm afraid. How about you get us all a takeaway?'

Also, your husband can make up the spare bed.