Venting about impending BIL visit - I want nothing to do with it, thanks.

[GodSavetheJean]

BIL (Dh brother) coming this weekend. He is 57, never married, no kids, no relationships, no job for most of his life. He is harmless, but also rather useless. He gets by on disability, and has also been the benefactor of several inheritances so is very comfortable financially.

I am extremely busy this summer with work, elderly parents needs, and other stressful things of my own. While I am glad he is coming to visit for Dh sake, I dont feel arsed to provide a weekend of fun for BIL. BIL has dropped several hints about what I can cook for him while he visits. I am a great cook but truthfully the more he hints, the less inclined I am to do it. And I know it is resentment on my part because he sees this as a vacation for him to be treated and pampered, and all I can think is "Vacation from what? Your life of leisure where you eat out every day because you are too lazy to cook??"
DH also seems to be relying on my for the planning and entertainment. Honestly I just want to left alone to rest and take care of myself. I wont, because I am an eldest daughter so my sense of duty and need to people-please will win out and I will make the weekend a lovely time for all.

Just bitter.

If you enjoy his company and he is a decent bloke this sounds good.

I would bounce back any comments directly “John it’s lovely to hear that you really like my lasagne. I am not sure you know but there’s been a lot happening with my DPs in the last few months, so I haven’t got any bandwidth for fancy cooking at the minute. DH is really looking forward to catching up with you.”

See I know you’re venting OP but I don’t get it. I would find it very easy to say ‘no’ and I do. I’ll admit it took me a while but once you’ve done it once it’s line a weight is lifted off your shoulders. It starts with you telling your DH that it’s about time he took control when his brother/parebts whoever comes and make it clear you’re doing nothing but will support him. Then just keep busy and go out.

This!

I do sympathise. An established pattern has grown up that you are the driving force behind all hosting in your family... so the two helpless twits are looking to you.

You resent it, but end by saying that habit and duty will make you comply in the end.

WHY?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT!!

Yes There's a weight of expectation but its time to create new expectations. You are not a dogsbody to do everyone's bidding just because they expect it. So just blithely with a sunny smile go ahead and ignore all requests, don't make any arrangments pass the job of that onto DH..I'd even do a print out and hand it to him to show you are washing your hands of this.... but be super "nice" about it as if this is a great favour! forge ahead with some of your own plans as though its completely normal and considerate. Act like a CF... why not, sounds like your BIL is.

Make your own plans for the weekend.

Suggest in advance the Uber Eats that serve BIL's fav dishes as he has so kindly reminded you. Is there a slim chance that he is trying to compliment you or its a clumsy way of saying he's looking forward to the visit, perhaps? Still doesn't mean you have to comply.

Time to be a bit devious. Don't have a show down, but to every request you say sweetly to DH ; "I think it would be really lovely and brotherly if YOU planned some things to do together (and out of the house) whilst he's here... It's not my place... or its too hot to cook.. here's some menus... or I'm visiting my family that weekend, forgot to say it was arranged ages ago and I can't cancel now.. but you two can have some lovely quality time together. And then walk off and do something else.. leaving him gaping and realising he has to man up and sort it.

It sounds like you've already decided to do what I was going to suggest - make at least one nice meal, to be hospitable and for your DH's sake if nothing else. And then tae yourself off largely while Dh and BIL catch up.

I would add, "Oh no darling, I don't want to interupt your catch up time. Have a lovely time and I'll meet you for a drink this evening?"

I have relatives who regularly invite themselves to stay, generally midweek (I work FT) and it’s caused some real friction between DH and I, as DH thinks we can’t say no (they are his relatives ). So I am taking note of the advice on this thread!

If you suggest a meal out or takeaway, will he expect you to pay?

I just want to left alone to rest and take care of myself. I wont, because I am an eldest daughter so my sense of duty and need to people-please will win out and I will make the weekend a lovely time for all.

You're having your emotional cake and eating it a bit, OP.

You want to have a moan about others but also want to make excuses for yourself about why you'll 'have' to go along with it when you don't want to.

You are not forced to be a people pleaser - you choose to be.

Tell DH you're busy with other commitments and to make plans for the weekend himself, including food.

It really is that simple.

Op you need a new mantra
I am not a maytyr.
I am not a martyr.
Dh can host his own relative...
Surely??

I’d cook 1 nice meal, everyone likes my lasagna. But after that you’re out, let them entertain themselves