Refusing to lie on dd's bedroom floor

[Givemestrength23]

Dd8 is likely neurodivergent and struggles a lot with anxiety. The new thing is for her to wake up in the night, panic that she won't be able to get back to sleep. It ends in meltdown and screaming every time. She's decided that the only thing that helps is gor me to lie on her bedroom floor until she falls asleep. I really don't want to and refuse. Inevitably she gets in such a state that I end up doing. Am I selfish for saying no? Any better ideas? At my wits end!

Can't imagine that does your back any good. Does she continue if you sit? Or is it only laying down that will do?

Just get a spare mattress or airbed for you and accept it for a bit. She’s not doing it on purpose to torment you (unless she hardly gets any time with you - could that be it?).

It’s probably just a phase. This too shall pass and all that. (My sons are both neurodivergent and still turned into healthy teenagers who don’t need me there to sleep… but I also spent a lot of time lying on bedroom floors when they were younger.)

In the same boat as you. My DD won't go to sleep unless one of us is in her room or preferably holding her hand. It's a vicious circle we've got into as it's been going on so long we're just desperate for sleep.

When my puppy whimpers in her crate I lie next to her on the floor. We’ve basically made a cozy nest and often fall asleep and end up there longer than needed. Can’t imagine not doing the same for a child struggling. Make it comfy and get through this stage. It’s not forever. Everyone feels better and copes better having slept.

Can you not just bring her into your bed?

Well I did it every night for years for my asd son. He’s a hugely secure teenager now and I think it’s partly because we were as flexible as possible.

One thing that helped us was when the paediatrician told us to treat him as though he were 1/3 younger. It took away most of the stress and his anxiety improved instantly.

he also went to counselling for anxiety - have you considered this?

He’s child is now 8 years old. How long have you been doing this with the dog?

She won't sleep in our bed. Maybe I just need to suck it up and accept being on the floor but I'm exhausted and it's not comfy. Maybe I do need a mattress.

As a parent of a ND slightly older child… can you change her bed to a double so you can comfort without doing damage to your back? It also avoids the opposite situation - of her coming to your bed - and you can withdraw when she is calm/asleep, but at least if you do fall asleep it’s not on the floor. If space/budget means this isn’t possible then a decent air or camping mattress is a good idea already suggested.

Mattress or similar on the floor next to your bed for her to sleep on as and when required. It really won’t be forever

I feel mean now, I've been cross with her about it. Also cross with dh. Dd doesn't want him but he won't even try, just cracks on with his comfy nights sleep. I need to get over myself.

My youngest has similar sounding issues. He has a double bed and I just hop in with him if he’s up in the night. We both get a good sleep. He has the best mattress in the house! If you can’t get her a double bed then you need some kind of mattress or airbed on the floor. Sleep is too operant for you to sacrifice but she clearly needs you in there just now- this is the kind of thing you may just need to give in to (hopefully only temporarily while you work it out).

I'd get a mattress. A nice thick one and just suck it up. But I'd go in from the off and see if seeing me straight away before proper wake up happens breaks the habit.

With puppy, 7 months. However, I have 3 dc and at different stages they’ve needed comfort. Dd1 never came in our bed as she liked her space until her world fell apart with friendship issues in year 10. She was 15 and couldn’t sleep. She came in my bed. The younger two regularly came in our bed. The obsession with a dc sleeping in their own bed when they’re crying out for comfort and struggling doesn’t make sense to me.

Ahh bless her, she’s obviously really struggling. Get a duvet or an airbed and support her, honestly.

And yeah I do think it’s a bit selfish to say no when this is temporarily helping your DD. If it were my daughter I’d get in and spoon her and cuddle her, I’m sure lying on the floor on a soft duvet is not that bad.

Can you make her an alternative bed in your room she can just creep into if she feels anxious?

When DS1 did this (much younger) we luckily had room for a second bed in his room. Comfy but it honestly sucked away the evening (at least he would Let us alternate) as once you have been lying in the dark for an hour, you aren’t always awake enough to sneak out and get on with your day.

Sympathies, OP - don’t feel mean, especially if this piece of parenting is all on you .

When you’re in the thick of it and exhausted it’s often hard to figure things out. Work out how you and dd can both get the sleep you need and if that means buying a double bed then do it. Dd3 has an ikea day bed that’s single or pulls out to be kingsize and is very comfy. I sometimes go in there when dh has a cold and he’s keeping me awake. Do what works for you. It won’t be forever. If there’s a bed set up you don’t have to fully wake you just get in and hopefully the pair of you can go to sleep drama free. Or she can sneak in to you in a bed in your room. Whatever works.

Once things calm, talk about what’s waking her and how you can help her learn the skills, consider prizes for sleeping without you say three times a week and build up. But she knows that if she really needs you you’ll be there.

My DD was very anxious when she was younger, undiagnosed but more than likely has ADHD (my DS has autism and ADHD). I used to sleep on her bedroom floor regularly, I put a mattress down on the floor and had a spare duvet in there and slept whenever she needed me to. It got quite uncomfortable so we ended up putting a put up bed in our bedroom next to our bed and she knew she could come in whenever she needed to. She used to come in the middle of the night most nights and be there in the morning and didn’t even wake us up. This went on until she was about 10 and then she just stopped doing it. She’s 17 now, loves her bed and has no trouble sleeping alone. It was all driven by anxiety, not playing up or anything. It’s just a phase and it will pass but right now she needs that comfort so just make it as comfortable for yourself as you can.

If you say no, then do it anyway, what you are teaching her is that as long as she keeps kicking off, you will give in to whatever she wants.

I don’t have a neurodivergent child and so I can’t completely talk to the journey you’re on, but I am a parent of a child who had atypical migraines and needed me many many nights. His younger sister (older than your DC) now struggles sometimes at night with fear of the dark.

Getting comfy is vital. You are not a machine and you will break otherwise.

What also really helped for me was when I was finally able to see this as a privilege, to be trusted and chosen by my child at a moment of huge vulnerability. To be able to be there.

Thankfully my DS outgrew his medical issues, and it might sound trite, but I’ll always remember being able to hold him as he cried in the dark of the night, to have my hand on his so he could fall asleep, to be there when he needed me. It was so hard but I made a small difference to him. He didn’t walk his path alone.

And so when my daughter cries out in the night, I’ll still sigh, I’ll still want my warm bed, but I try with all might to remember that it will pass one day but that in the meantime it is a privilege to be a place of safety to her.

I’d be concerned she becomes reliant on this and can’t accept change of you later on not staying in her room.

It’s hard not to be frustrated really: it’s your sleep after all and everything is worse when that’s disrupted. Also: hard to accept a semi permanent situation , I’m not kidding, my son has slept in every room, had his room redecorated constantly and we bought and sold singles, doubles, bunks….
it’s ridiculous the lengths we went to. Just to get him to stay in his own bed. OMG. Now he’s 13 he won’t get out of bed.

either stick a mattress on the floor or get her a double bed. Once we did that it was much less stressful for all and I didn’t feel so hard done by. but you also need to find the source of her anxiety.

when things have settled you can then sit and read in the doorway while she drops off etc.

My kids are 6 and 10 and take it in turns to be anxious / scared of something and need a bit of extra support. I have a single mattress under my bed and if one of them is poorly/worried/scared I just lie there until they fall asleep. It's so comfy that I often end up staying all night. It's not been used for about 6 months so maybe they're growing out of it...which actually makes me quite sad. My 6 year old only ever needs it if he's poorly / temp is causing nightmares. It's my daughter at 10 who gets herself overly worried about things at night and then can't sleep. She can fidget and worry until midnight and then I pull the mattress out and she's asleep within 10 minutes. It's getting less and less common now but I'll always do it. I have even done it with my sister in law when she was in her 20s and had been through a break up at the same time as severe anxiety. She ended up on the floor of mine and my husband (her brother) room for a few nights!!! Sometimes we all just need to know someone else is there.