Refusing to lie on dd's bedroom floor

[Givemestrength23]

Dd8 is likely neurodivergent and struggles a lot with anxiety. The new thing is for her to wake up in the night, panic that she won't be able to get back to sleep. It ends in meltdown and screaming every time. She's decided that the only thing that helps is gor me to lie on her bedroom floor until she falls asleep. I really don't want to and refuse. Inevitably she gets in such a state that I end up doing. Am I selfish for saying no? Any better ideas? At my wits end!

Get a roll out bed & help provide the comfort & safety she needs right now. It may be a phase or perhaps there’s an underlying cause. Till you figure out why she’s doing this (something making her anxious or stressed?) it’s just something you’ll need to do for a while. Once she’s had a few good nights sleep with you there try seeing how she does on her own again. Just reassure her you’ll be there if she needs you. Neurodiverse kids needs a lot of extra support, and unfortunately that doesn’t end at night.

We still do this with ds (10) and up until last year him and DD (12) shared a room and I stayed in there with both of them after story till they fell asleep 🤷‍♀️ I don't mind really, as pp have said I'd rather they felt secure and loved. Since we moved last year and they have had their own rooms DD doesn't need me in there anymore (thank goodness, as couldn't very well split myself in two 😆) but she still listens in for story 🥰 and I do often lie with her for a bit of a chat after DS has dropped off.

In DS room we have a single trundle bed which I pull out at bedtime, like this
https://www.noaandnani.co.uk/products/hove-day-bed-with-pullout-trundle-in-classic-white?variant=44370261049618&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=productsync&utmsource=google&utmcontent=sagorganic&utmcampaign=sagorganic&gadsource=1&gadcampaignid=16608476380&gbraid=0AAAAADJQPM9aIOWHMgwouOlR0L8qWIWPi&gclid=CjwKCAjw9uPCBhATEiwABHN9K2iOXnsE9NZQUvCVndUBKLK7KhPFkBt1tNrQs7XbeAR59Fs7oIMBBoCpW4QAvDBwE

Or you could get one of those fold out bed chairs? Like this:
Gilda Jazz Chair Bed Fold Out Futon Single chairbed Mattress Corduroy GREY
https://amzn.eu/d/02yFup5

DD has a double bed in her new room but this might not be an option for you.

Mine are getting older now and I'm acutely aware they won't want me much longer (DD is halfway there already) and whilst OH and I laugh that we are still doing this now whilst we used to say at your little ones age "never mind, we won't still be doing this at age 10!" 🤦‍♀️😆 we don't mind at all 🧡

Time goes so quickly that they need us...

I think you’re best to accept that this is how things are for a while; make it as comfy for yourself as you can (mattress/airbed etc) and just give her the reassurance that you’re there.

There’s always the fear that they’ll come to depend on you being there, but I know a few people in this situation and in each case the child has just suddenly decided that they’re fine on their own and all has gone back to normal.

It’s really hard, though - I slept on the floor of DS’ room for about a year and a half and it felt like it would never end. People will say you’ll miss it when they’re grown up, but honestly it’s fairly miserable at the time! Plus, you need to function in the meantime and lack of sleep won’t help anyone.

She is controlling you which she needs as she is finding life hard. However could you reason with her in the daytime? What would help her? In the middle of the night no reasonings can happen but maybe there is something she might feel that could help.
Maybe she is finding life hard (end of term which is exhausting) and jealous that her safety person is staying close to your partner / husband and she doesn’t like that she wants it to be her next to you for her to feel safe.

it is controlling but try and reason daytime with her depending on age. Plus hormones are not good in the mix.

If she is articulate maybe compromise on what will suit her / what she will find easier.

Also keep lights on the landing and a bed side light as it can be scary when dark

Or, would it work for you to have a little bed for her in your room? She can come in quietly and curl up on the condition that she doesn’t wake you up. She can’t help her fears but she can understand that the floor is not comfortable for you and that you need your sleep or you’ll be tired/grumpy/make mistake at work.
You might also need a lock so that she doesn’t barge in at an inappropriate moment!

I am with you OP. You need sleep and so does she. Once you start lying on the floor, getting camp beds, whatever, it will become veeeeeeery difficult to knock it on the head and you are looking at months even years of disturbed sleep.
The reasons behind her anxiety needs addressing in the daytime, when she is calm and when you are calm and rested. Not at 2 am when everyone is exhausted and angry. Then you can come up with a plan that works for everyone.

You need to compromise. Get her a double bed, a trundle bed, let her in your bed/bed on your floor.

My daughter had sleep issues and anxiety for a long time. She slept in my bed for about a year from the age of 9 ish and was on melatonin. She's 13 now and hasn't slept in by bed apart from once when she had a nightmare.

My son sleeps with me, well he goes to sleep in my bed and I carry him to the reading nook in my room once he's asleep. I know its different as im a single mum so its only me in my bed. But I just think "well im asleep, what does it matter who's sleeping next to me"

I don’t think you should feel bad - it’s easy for those of us who’ve come out the other side to dish out advice, but when you’re in it and losing sleep and much-needed time to yourself it’s HARD! And I remember thinking my kids were pretty grown up at eight, but I look back at pictures now and they were so little - it’s all relative.

And equality is great in theory, but kids are mammals and it’s natural that mum is a more comforting presence. Make sure your DH is supporting you in other ways, and definitely get yourself that mattress. And don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing a great job!

My dd is 14 and one of us still has to sleep on a mattress on her floor. We’ve tried everything and this is an improvement from a year ago when she had to be in a bed with me using my arm as a pillow.
She has severe anxiety and is making progress in other areas of life but not this yet.
What I think I’m saying is, please be comfortable, get a mattress and a duvet. Hopefully it won’t go on for a long time but you may be needed for a while yet.

I wouldn't give in to the demand OP. You cannot sleep on the bloody floor. She will get there eventually, but not if you cave.

One of mines went through a phase like that. I found a double layer of camping sims then the sheepskin rug on top really comfy and a pillow and a blanket. I used to listen to an audio book on headphones and set an alarm as I’d often nod off.

Do not start anything you don’t want keep doing, especially with possibly autistic people who like routine and can deal with change very well.
It’s ok to have boundaries with ND children, and you need to make sure your well-being isn’t being impacted in order to function properly as an adult.
DD may find you sleeping with her soothing but it’s not a realistic solution to her anxiety. I’d be working to find other way to help her anxiety at night.

My excellent first health visitor said 'Do whatever is necessary to get the most sleep for everyone " God bless her, it got us through four children mostly unscathed.

Buy the biggest bed you can for her room so you can be comfortable! Night time anxiety for whatever reason is an absolute shitter and you have all my sympathy.
We’ve more or less come out the other side of it now (unless she’s ill or there is a big change on the horizon) but DD being in a kingsize meant that we all slept well regardless of how the night went.
Good Luck!

Try not to beat yourself up - this stuff is exhausting. My DD9 is like this too. We put a double bed in her room and it’s helped a lot. Now on bad nights I can lie beside her.

I think you are in the worst place now in that you say no, she meltdowns and you do it anyway.

You either need to say yes straight off if realistically you can think of another way to settle her. And make it comfy for yourself so you sleep too.

Or you need to find another way and stick to that.

I do agree that there is a risk sleeping in the room becomes routine and you'll be stuck. But then I also think that sometimes its just a phase and in a few weeks of feeling secure they move on.

Sorry not much help.

By giving in to her you've set the precedent so as others have said just make the floor comfier or get an air mattress.
Or say no and mean it, no matter how much she cries.

When your child is disabled sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I've read this post and your replies. My daughter was similar at this age (also ND and high anxiety). I put a mattress on her floor but you could also consider a mattress on your bedroom floor for her to sleep on so she can come in in the night if she wants to, that way she won't necessarily wake you and she can still be close? It was a phase with my daughter but she needed that security and needed to know that I would look after her no matter what as I am her safe person. She is now 16 and doesn't need me like this anymore so, in a way, it's a compliment - but I realise how frustrating and tiring it is at the time x

Our dogs are four years old and both sleep on our bed (unless it’s cold then one of them sleeps in it). We bought a bigger bed to accommodate them!

Look at the bigger picture too and see what other levers you have to make this easier on your both. eg would a later bedtime for her help? Counterintuitive when we are used to trying to get kids to bed but it might actually give you more evening, not less. A daily walk at the right time, or evening swimming, might set her up to fall asleep more quickly so you buy back more of your evening. Doing a little meditation with her last thing that builds towards her being able to calm herself one day.

We put a double bed in my ASD son’s room for this very reason.

Can you work with her on choosing an alternative solution that she can choose and control herself, like a fading nightlight or music she can turn back on?

I have a ND 8 year old too and this is exactly what we have done.

I think it's important to think about your own wellbeing too and mine is really affected by lack of sleep so a pretty hard boundary that we have is that after a certain age, our kids need to work out ways to not wake us up at night (obviously except when unwell).

We obviously support them with that.

For the ND 8 year old, what works is a fading night light, yoto player playing a book and white noise (yes together - weird but works for him)

I would worry that this wouldn’t be just a phase. I’ve read threads on MN of people still sleeping with their kids at 12 and 13. I like PPs ideas of a mattress on your floor so she can come in without waking you, or something she can do herself. What does she think it is that will stop her getting back to sleep? An audio book or sleep hypnotherapy recording that she can put on herself might be helpful if she’s able. I’d give her options of things can she do herself if she’s able and use the mattress on your floor as the last resort.

Also, I think it’s fair to be cross with your DH for ignoring it all and leaving the nights to you. But not fair to be cross with your DD - this won’t help the situation at all