Would you let this man help?

[Whiteframe]

A very old story, in a nutshell, long standing married male friend has recently declared "feelings" for me.

He was drunk, I told him not to be daft and when I've seen him since (never alone) it's been as if it never happened. Good.

I live alone and am, I think, pretty independent, but as a single person, I do have a network of people to ask when I need help/advice. All the things where the combined skills and knowledge, or an extra pair of hands in a couple make a big difference, even if you don't really notice it when you're part of a couple. I do reciprocate!

This man is my car man. I have a small problem with my car and I've asked for his advice on what part I need to fix it. I can probably do it myself, although it will undoubtedly take much longer than it would for a more competent person and I may end up having to admit defeat.

He's offered to pop round this evening and do it, reckons it will take him 20mins...

As long as you have made it clear you don’t have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and never will then it’s ok to accept a favour of him helping you with his car and in return you cooking him a meal as a thank you.

It could be he genuinely likes you or it could be he sees you as a ‘lonely woman’ who will be eager to have sex with him.

Take your car to a garage FFS

Yes, I could pay someone for every job that needs an extra pair of hands. Being single is very expensive in far more ways than you realise if you're not!

Nooooo don't do it!

I'm really not going to cook him a meal. That would be weird! I'll find a way to thank him, probably beer, and I'll help him next time he needs it with something where I have the skills, as I've done in the past.

Nope I wouldn’t let him do it

Honestly pay to have it fixed, don’t let him help this time.
let him know it’s in the garage. Use it as a way to confirm your boundaries

Surely he will expect something in return ? How do you return the favour if anyone helps you with your odd jobs here and there ??

No, I really wouldn't if you can in any way help it. Otherwise, at least have someone there with you if he does come and fix it. Not for protection (hopefully!) but just because it breaks any mood of intimacy that he might assume and stop him from making any overtures.

We have a nice friendship group where we pool skills as needed. I'm the one who does most of the organising for any group trips and I have business and IT skills he draws on often.

Yes, I was thinking of having another friend pop round for coffee 😂

He's not a friend.

He's a sleazy little shit with the morals of an alley cat.

The insulting thing is, he thinks you are too, otherwise he wouldn't have said a word about his apparent 'feelings'.

He was testing the water for a quick bunk up behind his wife's back.

Sort your own car and pick better 'friends'.

I live alone and am, I think, pretty independent, but as a single person, I do have a network of people to ask when I need help/advice.
Sorry OP but you dont sound like an independent woman. You sound like someone who is perpetually running to other people to help you sort out your problems.
I wonder how this man's wife and the wive's of your other friends feel about you always expecting their partners to come and do your odd jobs?

Is his wife part of your friendship group too? Is there a way to avoid him coming round when it'd be just you two? I would want to be sure there was absolutely no way his visit could be misconstrued.

Could you invite him and his wife, maybe other friend(s) too, for supper perhaps, when he pops round? Or at least have a friend who happens to call in 'unexpectedly ' while he's there.

She is, she was out with us last night in fact, but she's less involved than the rest of the group because she doesn't share the main interest that brings us together.

I can arrange it for a time when another friend has also "popped round". It would be odd to ask her to come with him.

I’ve been single for 30 years. Wouldn’t dream of expecting my acquaintances to act as my unpaid tradespeople. Grow up.

Yes and I expect you have lots of jobs you "run to" DH for. Independence, is being able to organise your own life, it isn't the same as doing everything alone. Most things need a team.

I think this is fine. If you would have asked for his help before, then it’s fine to ask for his help now. He is your friend and friends help each other.

If he turns up to fix your car and again declares feelings for you then you know there’s a problem! Otherwise, carry on as normal and don’t think of it again.
FWIW, I totally get what you say about the expense of being single!

No one ever does you a favour and you never do one for anyone else?

The man thinks you're willing to fuck him behind his wife's back though.

Surely that changes things for you?

You got it

Was there a similar thread a wee while back when said lothario declared feelings?

Take it to a garage. You shouldn't be reliant on this man.

Well actually I've been a widow for 20 years and lived alone for the past 10.
Admittedly my adult son sometimes helps me out but otherwise if I can't do things myself I get a tradesman in.

Well I don't know. If he does he's never actually tried to make that happen, just got all emotional after a few too many drinks, and it's never been mentioned or hinted at since.