Would you let this man help?

[Whiteframe]

A very old story, in a nutshell, long standing married male friend has recently declared "feelings" for me.

He was drunk, I told him not to be daft and when I've seen him since (never alone) it's been as if it never happened. Good.

I live alone and am, I think, pretty independent, but as a single person, I do have a network of people to ask when I need help/advice. All the things where the combined skills and knowledge, or an extra pair of hands in a couple make a big difference, even if you don't really notice it when you're part of a couple. I do reciprocate!

This man is my car man. I have a small problem with my car and I've asked for his advice on what part I need to fix it. I can probably do it myself, although it will undoubtedly take much longer than it would for a more competent person and I may end up having to admit defeat.

He's offered to pop round this evening and do it, reckons it will take him 20mins...

Some people are being pretty cruel. Suppose you can all carry huge furniture on your own? Never asked a favour or for some help from a partner or friend in any way shape or form? Okay...

I think it's fine OP. You've told him it's not reciprocated, he hasn't mentioned it since, and yous have been friends a long time. I wouldn't hesitate. If he starts talking about feelings again, unlikely since he was drunk last time. Then just state your boundaries again, and then you know he can't help anymore.

I’m genuinely surprised at the number of replies who think it’s wrong for an independent woman to ask a friend to help with something! Being independent doesn’t mean you need to be an expert in everything, it means you have the resilience and confidence to ask for help when it’s needed.
I ask friends for help and don’t feel the need to cook a meal to say thanks. I also help friends out when asked without expecting anything in return. To me this is normal behaviour between friends.

I live on my own so sometimes I might ask a married acquaintance to help with something small but the minute he shared that he had “feelings” for me, I’d run a mile.
Meanwhile, as others have told you, make friends either with your local garage or a mobile mechanic! Stop being the “little woman.”

He was testing the water.

If he didn't think there was a chance you'd fuck him behind his wife's back, he wouldn't have said anything.

Alcohol is no excuse.

Op, you know exactly what you are doing here. Stop it. You were out with his wife last night? You do not seem to be much of a “friend” to be honest. Sort your own bloody car out, don’t rely on some married sleaze who wants to shag you to do it. And no, I don’t “run” to my DH to sort shit out. I can do that myself and I’d rather run naked down the fucking high street than trade car repairs for attention from a married arsehole. Do better.

I wouldn’t. The fact you’re asking means you probably know that.

I wouldn't. It would make me feel far too uncomfortable, knowing that hes probably wondering if he can get payment in kind.

So because you choose to be single you should get everything for free rather than pay like everyone else does??

I'm sorry but the hypocrisy of OP actually really irritated me : in one breathe she's saying she's " independent" and in the next she says she goes running to other people for help with every issue she has. That's not being independent. It's playing the helpless female.

Probably this guy who has declared his feelings for her has what MN likes to call White Knight Syndrome. Her helplessness has triggered his manly affections.

No, I have people who help me and who I help, in much the same way as you do in a realtionship, except it's a variety of people rather than always the same one.

That said I've always done lots of favours, even when I was married.

Tbf if someone declared feelings for me and i didnt feel the same, i wouldnt be texting for any reason.

I don't ever text him, never have outside of group chats. My car trouble came up in conversation last night. Actually I don't think it was even me who asked him initially, another friend mentioned the issue I was having and asked him what he thought.

Stay away from the married man.

Pay a mechanic to fix your car.

Don't be one of those people that became the ow 'accidentally'. Keep your eyes open.

If it were me I wouldn't, I'm very clear with my boundaries and I prefer to pay for help than blur lines with favours. But I'm very independent and like to not owe favours to people.

Why would op thank him by cooking him a meal, you’re suggesting inviting him in for a meal to her house alone just the two of them, after he once said he had feelings her…. Can you not see how that could be awkward or where it could go wrong?

OP if you’re that uncomfortable with him coming around you are considering inviting another friend round at the same time, just take your car to a garage.

So you have never seen him alone since he 'declared his feelings' He hasnt mentioned it again because there has been others around. He has now jumped at the chance to come around to yours. I guess he will either apologise or declare his feelings again

I can't believe the number of people here who don't think it's acceptable to ask friends for / offer to help friends at all. I think your social group sounds wonderful OP.

I wonder if the people expressing outrage would be similarly outraged if it was a female friend popping round to help with something or is it just because it's a man?

Unfortunate this guy has muddied the waters now eith his tipsy declaration of 'feelings' and I'd be wary of doing anything that might seem like encouraging him.

Asking for favours/doing favours for others is very normal. In my workplace we all have different skills and help each other out with them, that's just normal behaviour of decent people.

In your case though op I'd be wary. At the very least have someone else round at the time.

Normally yes that's fine but if he's been a perv and is attached I'd swerve it.

It's not like he's the only person in the world with those skills.

Gosh I often help people out and similarly ask for help.

Altering clothing, mending things, lending cake tins and power tools, helping to change a car headlight, building furniture, moving furniture, sorting out excel spreadsheets, helping with tax returns. I have helped with all those things.

And I have had help painting my kitchen, moving furniture, building furniture, lending me pressure washers/other tools, putting up curtain rails.

This is a totally normal way of life to me. I do see that in this specific circumstance I would want to be careful - I think having a friend over sounds sensible - but it's not weird to have a community of people who help you and you help them.

I don't ever see him alone anyway, we're friends within the group, but not close individually. We were at a party "that" night.

Why are so many posters getting arsey about OP's friendship group helping each other out?? Most of my friends (and family, actually) are in the trades so I have people I can call on for help with anything practical (which is good as I'm shite and so is DH!). We have at least one each of a carpenter, plumber, mechanic, tiler, electrician, tailor etc and our flat is full of lovely art created by our artist friends as the walls were bare initially.

In return I'm the group passport signer, document certifier, contract reviewer, and (informal) legal adviser.

I find it all works out pretty evenly. I'm certainly not a helpless little woman because I can't fix a broken oven or check what's wrong with the boiler and sort it!

OP on this issue, I would ask for his help but as suggested, have another friend round when he comes. It doesn't sound like there's been any weirdness after his declaration as yet (he may not even remember saying it if he was drunk) but I wouldn't be keen to be alone with a married man with feelings for me!

I wouldn’t ask a man a favour if I feel uncomfortable about him coming to my home. It doesn’t mean that I pay for every job (I’d ask other friends for help) just not this one as I know his feelings which can’t be reciprocated

Men have HUGE egos… he probably will think this is your excuse to invite him over to see him.

Or pay him in cash?

If you were friends, and you've been clear AND (importantly) he appears to respect that i dont think its terrible to let him help if he normally would. You do have to ask yourself would he do this if he didn't have feelings for you? If the answer is no you should politely decline

Being single can be expensive. But everything has a price.

You may have to try and get freebies elsewhere or as you suggested do it yourself even if it takes longer