Traditional wedding, does widowed MoG's new partner sit at top table?

[Blueslip]

I'm the MoG, I don't know the answer and not sure what "feels" right. B&G have said the decision is mine and they're happy with whatever makes the day best for me.

DH died when DC had just become adults. Over the years I've often thought their weddings will be tough on all of us because their father would be absent, and whilst I'm thrilled for DS, I expect to find the day difficult. I have been seeing a new man for about a year and in many ways have moved on, but I still find the loss of my DC's dad very difficult.

New man is lovely, well liked by DC and makes a good effort with them, but it's in a relaxed uncle or friend of the family, who you don't see very often kind of way. He's not a material part of their lives, has never lived with them, doesn't live with me.

If he sits at the top table it will be as company for me/to balance the seating arrangements, rather than because he's significant in DS's life iyswim.

Fwiw, NM has much better social skills than me and can keep any conversation going, whereas I struggle with that at the best of times.

Otoh, I've no idea if this relationship is going to last (it's great atm, but I have no ambition to remarry, for example) and it doesn't seem quite right to give such significance to someone who's small part in DS's life could well be transient.

WWYD?

Also similar question about "family" group photos....

You all sound like a lovely family. I’d say if you’d like your new man next to you at the meal, go for it. For formal photos have one with him in and all the rest without? Photographers are really good at organising things in groups so make sure they know what’s needed and they will ensure it’s not awkward when they move people in and out of the shot.

I don't know, I don't think I'd have him on the top table because he's not a father figure to your son which, IMO, is what it should be about.
Also, I thought a traditional top table saw the MoG sat next to FoB and FoG sat next to MoB?
Is there someone else who's been more involved or influential in your DS life?

Unless there is a particular reason why him sitting at the top table would make it impossible for someone else who should be at the top table to sit there, I would say he sits there because it would be weird and uncomfortable for him to sit elsewhere without you. I mean I guess if he really knows other people there (your family?; some old family friends of yours?) he could sit with them, but otherwise being the only one not sitting with his partner would be odd.

Tricky! Wedding photos will be about for a long time. What if you separate eg. In a years time, and he’s in many of the photos for ever. Bit weird. As he’s good at talking etc, there’s probably no harm him being sat at a different table. Top table just for very close family. 🤷‍♀️

It’s great they’re not imposing anything, so whatever decision you go with, it’ll be the right one.

How lovely of your son and DIL to be letting you make the choice.

No I don’t think someone you have been dating for a year and your son and DIL have known for less should be sat at the top table during their wedding.

Why not? I ask becuase I tend to agree with you, but I'm not sure why, and that leaves me (and him) sitting alone which doesn't feel right either.

If your family are comfortable - by which I mean the bride and groom - to have him on the top table then that should be enough. I think people pour far too much thought into stuff that really doesn’t matter - someone mentioned about photos if you split up - who really cares in this day and age where people can be removed from photos very easily. It’s one day. And you deserve to feel as comfortable and supported as anyone given the feelings it will bring up for you and if having your chap next to you will help with that then why on earth not? Honestly this is why if I ever get married again I am eloping because I think wedding ‘rules’ half the time are completely daft! I hope you all have a lovely day.

For the dinner, if your son and his fiancée want you to decide, decide what makes you happy. Etiquette is irrelevant if everyone who matters is happy with the outcome. If there’s no one else who “should” sit in that seat, no one is hurt by it being your partner.

For the photos, if your partner hasn’t been around long enough to be meaningful to your son, I’d have one photo with him in and the rest without. Your son probably would like having one just with you anyway, and this way you have a photo to be treasured whether or not you and your partner stay together.

Have they left it to you because they don't want to upset you if they say they'd rather he didn't? Not that I'm remotely likely to marry but I'd feel very odd about my father's partner in my late mother's place and they've been together much longer than you and him.

Do you have a single male family member who could be a stand-in with you on the top table instead of your partner?

Have you discussed things with your partner, and what are his feelings on it?

I don’t think it matters at all if he’s at the top table. People often drift away from their best man or moh over time and that’s ok. It’s just the day. Make it as fun and joyous as you can in the circumstances.
photos on the other hand, make sure you have them with and without.

There are no rules. I have just been to a wedding where the bride and groom sat at a table on their own (which I thought was lovely). Their parents, siblings, best man and bridesmaids were then scattered around other tables in the room, and it worked really well. It got over some potential awkwardness with a traditional top table, and felt much more modern and relaxed. Would this be an idea, OP? You could therefore sit with your partner and other family members or friends.

Because the couple barely know him and socially at traditional weddings the top table is for parents and parent figures. Him sitting there projects the idea that he’s a father figure to the groom which I don’t think is fair.
Why would he be sitting alone?
If he doesn’t know a single other family member then it makes even less sense for him to be at the top table.
I’m sure he can chat with the family he’s sat next to for the length of one meal. Often partners of the best man or bridesmaid are sat separately at dinner.
Neither would you be sat alone, your son would be next to you.

So who would sit with your father?

As your son is happy with it then id have him on the top table with you but do most of the photos without him. I have professional
photos from an important event that I don’t display as it has an ex in. It’s not an established relationship.

I think I’d have him on the table but not in the photos.

But traditionally the parents don’t actually sit together on the top table anyway, do they? I wouldn’t have him at the top table if he’s happy enough elsewhere anyway!

I’d say of course. He’s your partner - it’d be awkward for him to not sit w you. But I think the fact that your child has said it’s your decision implies they prefer he doesn’t sit at the top table…? If that’s the case, then you’d better accept their wish. I’d try to find out if they truly think it’s your choice or have a preference for him not to be at the top table but just want you to make that decision.

Yes, but that leaves no one to sit with the MoB? We're only a small family. There's no one left from DH's side and the only male relative of any significance is my Dad, but then one GP at the top table but none of the others...?

I don't think it's that. I genuinely think they don't know what "should" happen, so they're asking me.

I thought it was usual for B&Gs parent figures to split up anyway, B's DM next to G's DF, etc.

Yea I had my very new boyfriend along for my sister’s wedding and he was in the photos. After we spit up after 4 years together, it was awkward with the pictures. But then my sister divorced so eventually all the pictures came down. Everything is temporary, as the say.

Of course that is fine, he is just company for you. You shouldn’t have to sit on your own. Top table doesn’t really matter that much. I wouldn’t have him in the close family photos though. That’s not appropriate at this stage and it’s too early doors in the relationship - you don’t know that it’s going to last yet.