Traditional wedding, does widowed MoG's new partner sit at top table?

[Blueslip]

I'm the MoG, I don't know the answer and not sure what "feels" right. B&G have said the decision is mine and they're happy with whatever makes the day best for me.

DH died when DC had just become adults. Over the years I've often thought their weddings will be tough on all of us because their father would be absent, and whilst I'm thrilled for DS, I expect to find the day difficult. I have been seeing a new man for about a year and in many ways have moved on, but I still find the loss of my DC's dad very difficult.

New man is lovely, well liked by DC and makes a good effort with them, but it's in a relaxed uncle or friend of the family, who you don't see very often kind of way. He's not a material part of their lives, has never lived with them, doesn't live with me.

If he sits at the top table it will be as company for me/to balance the seating arrangements, rather than because he's significant in DS's life iyswim.

Fwiw, NM has much better social skills than me and can keep any conversation going, whereas I struggle with that at the best of times.

Otoh, I've no idea if this relationship is going to last (it's great atm, but I have no ambition to remarry, for example) and it doesn't seem quite right to give such significance to someone who's small part in DS's life could well be transient.

WWYD?

A family member of mine recently got married and the top table was a table of 2 for the B&G which I thought was a lovely idea. Starting their married life with their first meal together. Bs parents are divorced, B didn't want to awkwardness of people sitting next to people they didn't want to. My sister has never forgiven me for having her (MOH) sitting next to my FIL at my wedding to keep with tradition and I don't blame her!

@Livelovebehappy

If they are old to get married they are old to deal with this absolute non problem

it’s a wedding, not the second coming.

Sorry not read the full thread, but of course you should be sitting next to your husband at your sons wedding.
Top table or not, I think it is only polite to ensure all the guests are comfortable and sitting with those who they prefer.
I was a bridesmaid at a wedding once and separated from my DH for the whole day and sat next to my friends arsehole FIL. Not a fun day.

I'd have him sitting with you, as it's more about company during the meal - as long as bride & groom are happy, that's all that matters, it doesn't matter how it 'looks' to anyone else. For family photos, I wouldn't have him included (or at least not in most of them), because as you say they're about signifying a family unit/importance and will last - the seating arrangement is just for the time duration of a meal and practically speaking it makes sense for neither of you to be sitting alone, especially you during speeches which - I assume - might mention your deceased husband and therefore might be difficult emotionally for you.

At our wedding we didn't have a traditional top table, we sat with bridesmaids, groomsmen and their partners, and my parents and in laws sat on tables close by with their friends. We did the speeches during the cocktail reception before everyone sat down for dinner.

Could something like that be an option?

I think you and your new partner should sit together, but I also think there should be family photos with and without him in, because after only a year of being together you don't know whether you'll break up shortly after the wedding and your son and his wife will never see him again, or whether you'll stay together long term and he'll effectively be grandfather to their children. It could go either way.

To be honest my main thing is the photos - there will be lots of the speeches etc of the top table - and yeah if you break up he’ll still be in all of tbem

sounds like it will not be controversial to put him on another table - if he’s a chatter he’ll be fine (I’m a chatter - I’d be happy to go on any table at a wedding)

he’s not significant in your sons life and isn’t yet in your life

Does your DS have a Godfather or uncle who could sit with MoB? Perhaps one of your late DH's relatives or friends that your DS is still in touch with.
Then your partner would sit with that person's partner on one of the other tables IYSWIM.

I went to a wedding where the parents on both sides were no longer together (various reasons), and all had new partners.

“top” table was bride/groom, MOH/best man and bridesmaids/ushers

each parent + new partner hosted their own table with their closest relatives/family friend.

it worked out quite nicely, but appreciate the dynamics at every wedding will be different so may not suit here.

hope you manage to find something that feels right for you all

The photo thing is silly. People break up. It happens. It doesn't mean that the past didn't happen.

You could just as easily have a scenario where bride's mother and father sit at the top table and a few weeks later, he clears off with the au pair, or she runs away to shag the milkman or whatever.

Who really looks at wedding pictures much after the event anyway? Except of the bride and groom (who could also just as easily split up, right?).

I quoted your post, it’s very easy for you to read back and see your own post.

To make it easier for you here it is again.

For those saying you’ve only been together for a year: my husband and I married 363 days after our first date. According to some, if one of his children were getting married within that first year, I’d have been banished to the equivalent of Siberia

I think it would be fine for the two of you to sit at the top table .Ah I see others agree.

For some, their wedding is prob the most important event of their life. Sounds like they're pretty laid back about the situation but I still think having a random man who has only been in their mother's for a year in their family group wedding photos is probably not going to feel right if the relationship ends in a couple of months. By OPs admission she has no intention of marrying him or living with him. Just my opinion 🤷

I think Yes Include hi at top table. But its only a year so I wouldn't include in the photos - and make sure to get some Mom and Son ones if you can - even if they are not "official"

We didn't have a top table at our wedding. Me and DH sat at a "sweetheart table" which was one of the best parts of our wedding, being able to just sit and talk to each other whilst we had our meal! As the rest of the wedding we were so busy and actually not even together for a lot of it really seeing family and friends etc!

I also don't think it would be an issue for you to sit at a top table with your partner elsewhere. This often happens for e.g. bridesmaids. My DH was best man at BIL's wedding and was on the top table and I was sat elsewhere (with other relatives of theirs that I knew well). Wasn't an issue at all.

Thank everyone, good to chat it through. I'm sure some of the other seating arrangements would work, but this is how they've set things out and I'm not going to interfere with that.

I'm thinking have him with me at the table and probably a photo of us plus B&G (and one of me without him) but not in all the family group ones.

My Mum died when I was a young adult. My dad’s partner sat on the top table, though she’d been on the scene for about 5 years by the time the wedding came around. She was not and is not a mother figure to me, but I like her and clearly my dad does too and it felt right having her there. If the bride and groom are happy to have him there, why not? It would be different if your son felt he shouldn’t be.

I lost my DH when my daughters were a similar age to yours. I didn't have another partner when my youngest got married, but I'm almost certain that if I did, is not have had him on the top table. There just wouldn't have been the same history, closeness to the groom and importance to his role.
Given that your not sure whether the relationship will last, I think that's an even stronger indication that he shouldn't have that place.

I think I'd put him with close friends who are chatty and warm so that he feels comfortable and had a pleasant time.

As for there being odd numbers... who cares?

Have you asked your partner? He might have a view on it. I think if I were him I wouldn’t feel quite comfortable enough to be on the top table, but only you two know if the relationship is likely to last.

Yes -like a brother of yours? Or even sister.

I am sorry for the loss of your dh - I can understand that it will be an emotional day.

Re photos, it would be easy enough to have one with and one without your NM. As a whole, I'd say most photos ought to be without him.

Re top table, I'd do
MoB FoB Bride Groom You Best Man

This is presuming you don't have another adult child to sit there with you.

Or,

your Dad next to you.

Your NM could then sit with your Mum, and the 'man on the top table representing your family' would be the Groom's Grandad who has had a significant place in the family for the whole of his life. I really don't think your friend of merely a year - a year during which your ds hasn't been in your life each day - ought to be on the top table.

This sounds perfect, OP.

Having him at the top table is not having him replace or take over your late DH's role. His role is simply to accompany you as your current partner, and it sounds as if your son and his fiancee want to make him welcome. Presumably if they're having speeches then your son will acknowledge his father during the groom's speech anyway? I'd go with your instincts on this one, they sound sensible to me.

Oh, and there's no reason why they couldn't have family group shots both with and without him. Photographers are used to all this and very good at quickly taking lots of varied ones.

But the parents don’t usually sit together anyway?

I’d sit new man on the table with rest of bridesmaids and groomsmen, or with other family.

Top table you wouldn’t be sitting together anyway…. Maid of honour just needs to budge up one, or include one more bridesmaid to top table to make it look balanced.

But why are you ignoring the posters asking why they aren’t doing the traditional seating plan for the top table? It would solve the issue as you wouldn’t be sitting together anyway. He’d still be there with you for the day. And yes to photos with and without NM.