Traditional wedding, does widowed MoG's new partner sit at top table?

[Blueslip]

I'm the MoG, I don't know the answer and not sure what "feels" right. B&G have said the decision is mine and they're happy with whatever makes the day best for me.

DH died when DC had just become adults. Over the years I've often thought their weddings will be tough on all of us because their father would be absent, and whilst I'm thrilled for DS, I expect to find the day difficult. I have been seeing a new man for about a year and in many ways have moved on, but I still find the loss of my DC's dad very difficult.

New man is lovely, well liked by DC and makes a good effort with them, but it's in a relaxed uncle or friend of the family, who you don't see very often kind of way. He's not a material part of their lives, has never lived with them, doesn't live with me.

If he sits at the top table it will be as company for me/to balance the seating arrangements, rather than because he's significant in DS's life iyswim.

Fwiw, NM has much better social skills than me and can keep any conversation going, whereas I struggle with that at the best of times.

Otoh, I've no idea if this relationship is going to last (it's great atm, but I have no ambition to remarry, for example) and it doesn't seem quite right to give such significance to someone who's small part in DS's life could well be transient.

WWYD?

Ah okay in that case, I’d do what you and your partner prefers! I think it’s fine for him to be at the top table, but as some posters said, have him in some photos and some without. But not due to the fact your relationship may not last - we never know about that and someone who’s at your wedding and been together for twenty years may also split up! Can’t think about things that way. He’s an important person in your life now. But may just be nice for your son to have some pics where only the actual parents are in the photos.

Yes, but if he's not included, we have odd numbers.

I agree with this. We had a super traditional wedding in many respects, but we didn’t have a top table at all (partly due to parents of groom being divorced and remarried). My husband and I sat with our friends and each set of parents/step-parents were at a different table. It worked really well.

Do you want him next to you? Will you have a nicer time with him next to you?
If yes and yes, do it, you've checked it out with the bridge and groom and they're fine with it. Go with what you want to do.

Photos - I agree one with and mostly without

I went to a wedding recently with a similar set up. New partner sat on a different table with guests. Just the three parents at the top table. It seemed right.

if anything happened to my partner, no way would I want another man sitting where he should have been so I understand your reservations. You are still grieving for him and that’s normal.

As someone who has to deal with wedding photos and top table photos of people no longer in our lives, I would say don't have him on the top table as he is still so new to your life, and isn't a father figure to your kids. Your son may well be being polite so as not to upset you.

No. Ideally not for any family shots (large group shots are fine) and not for the table.

That’s not really an issue.

Of course you should be there with your partner. If you like.

As long as there's not some terrible backstory about him grooming the bridesmaids of falling pissed head first into the cake?

But if it's your choice then you can say you'll sit separately if you prefer that, or both sit at a different table. It seems like they are fine with whatever you want? I'd hope.

Would suggest the wedding couple have a sweetheart table or sit with who they want, rather than doing an old fashioned top table.
Then you’d be able to sit close by, but with NM and your family and friends. Less pressure all round.

Being boringly practical about it - beyond who’s next to the bride and groom, no one will really notice or care.

I’d say you’re on rock solid safe territory as you’re a widow, so no one is being displaced if your partner is there.

If it’s the practical solution (makes the numbers balance, gets the right boy / girl pattern etc) and no one is too fussed then go for it. If everyone is comfortable with the straightforward solution then no one needs to make life more complicated.

The only subtlety is if you think it’s going to be difficult for you and want the support at the table, consider swapping the traditional seating around slightly so you’ve got someone suitable for hand squeezing and hankie passing next to you. No one will bat an eye lid if brides two senior adults and grooms two senior adults are next to each other rather than swapped about.

Bigger one that will be the longer lasting impression - when you get the family group photos done do one with him and one without him. So if it fizzles out he’s not a major feature in the family wedding photo for the next 30 years.

Just a thought, but a wedding I went to, both the groom’s parents had passed away and he had very little left in terms of immediate family, so the long traditional top table wasn’t used. Everybody sat at round tables, with mixtures of friends and family.

I’d have him at the top table as it would be odd to have an imbalanced table and him sat alone with the other guests if there’s nobody else who would sit there.

If it were any other occasion, a birthday meal or Xmas dinner, would you not find it odd that he’d be at a different table?

The traditional layout of top table etc is based on a traditional family set up. These days there are as many different family shapes as there are weddings. There is no reason why anyone should feel excluded or isolated from their loved ones because of tradition. It’s just daft. Even the idea of separating B & G’s parents to sit with the respective other, why?! I am an introvert and the idea of making small talk with my DIL’s dad over dinner fills me with horror!

agree with previous P, seat him at top table but be mindful of which photos he is in. It sounds like he’ll be a positive addition to the table - making you feel better, balancing numbers, and bringing light, easy social conversation. From what you’ve written, the only reason for him not to be on the top table is because it might be a bit unconventional, the pros seem to far outweigh the cons in that case.

I think it is nice that B&G let you pick what is most comfortable for you, and as a guest I would never look weird at your partner at the top table.

If I were the MoG, I would be inclined to perhaps not bring a new partner to the top table. It feels too heavy, if you know what I mean. Who would I put there? A brother or sister of your late husband, if there is one. Your brother or sister perhaps if not. Otherwise how about a sibling of the groom? Or someone like an old neighbour you are fond of.

Basically I would go back to the groom's youth and look at other people that helped raise him, close other male family figures if you see what I mean. Not to spite your partner (at all!), but I personally would want to celebrate the path from little sprout to grown man, and I would pick someone who has witnessed and can celebrate thát.

Speaking as a widow, the day will absolutely have some tough moments for you and you deserve a partner by your side. Who cares about top table rules these days? Making sure you are supported is the priority.

If the bride and groom are happy then do it.

At my wedding the wife of the best man wasn’t happy she wasn’t on the top table as she wanted to sit next to her dh so she moved her name card just before we sat down and put herself on the top table. I didn’t actually care to be honest!

Why don't you ask one of your adult children to sit at the top table to represent your husband. I'd leave them to sort out which child would take your husband's place.

@Zezet Nope, an old neighbor is not appropriate. Widows deserve some support not having to entertain a rando!

Re photos, having him on the top table will only really affect a couple of pics and he sounds like a thoughtful guy who would happily step aside for a photo without him in (or ask the photographer to catch the top table while he’s getting a drink or having a wee!).

The only pics people tend to display are the B&G plus parent/s so him being in any group shots won’t be an issue as nobody will really look at them past the first viewing!

Not any old neighbour! But any figure that you could fondly exchange memories with. For me some old neighbours would definitely count. I didn't mean take a randomer, I meant focus on emotional feeling and not on what is "appropriate".

Stick him on top table...its a bit miserable / lonely for him otherwise.
In terms of group photos, have him in and out (bride and groom should brief the photographer)

I had similar but with my sil. She was married to my DB but I was confident their marriage was on the rocks and briefed the photographers as such.

They had it such that she was in enough it was polite/ had pics we could share/ she didnt feel left out... but took enough wothout her that when they start divorce proceedings less than months later it had zero impact as she wasnt in many of the key pictures so could be easily edited out via photo selection

Is there a best man who could sit with you? Though odd numbers isn’t an issue. Or can you have a boardroom type layout with NM at end but on a table off the top table? (That’s what we did to accommodate someone.) Or have rounds where it’s not quite so obvious who is or isn’t there?

For those saying you’ve only been together for a year: my husband and I married 363 days after our first date. According to some, if one of his children were getting married within that first year, I’d have been banished to the equivalent of Siberia - except in our case, it wouldn’t have been an issue

Have a round table as the top table instead of the traditional type, but at the top end of the room: you and he could sit opposite each other with your dad to your left

Don't worry about tradition, just do whatever will make the day more enjoyable for you. If that's having him at the table do that.

Photos are different though. I wouldn't have him in any official "family" photos, but maybe ask the photographer to take a lovely photo of the 2 of you together