How would this affect a baby?

[Appalonia]

If you were already a mum of two and you couldn't cope with your baby crying, so you put them in a pram and put them at the bottom of your long garden, so you couldn't hear them, how would that affect that baby...?

I mean, holding a crying baby is barely bending 50 ways. And it doesn't have to always be the mother either 🙄

This thread isn't about a second of inattention. It's about babies being left to cry where they can't be heard.

This is what happened to me. My mother thought I was possessed as her pets acted strangely when she took me home and I think she must have had severe pnd. She just let me cry all the time (I know because she would tell me when I was older) and I had severe attachment issues

You’re responding today to something that happened presumably twenty plus years ago. It’s not in context because parenting guidelines have changed. No good can come of shaming mothers for what they did a generation ago just because we know to do things differently now.

It’s not a new parenting style to comfort distressed babies. I’m in my 40s and was never left to cry, I’m one of 4. My mum’s in her 70s and was never to cry.

I think you are reading way too much into this. Mental health is complicated but if your mother is otherwise loving and caring then don't get overly focused on this one facet. Of course if she wasn't it is different. The evidence that letting small babies cry it out causes psychological harm is extremely poor - but general rejection from a maternal figure across the board obviously can cause attachment issues and general harm.

Entitled about what? Being comforted when they cry?

The thing is, I don't know any person who says this sort of thing who really has an accurate understanding of their adult kids.

Maybe you're the exception. Or maybe their friends and their families would have a different view on what sort of adult your parenting created.

It's fine to say, "this was my method and I stand by it, think I did what I could/had to/whatever".

But to pretend you know you did exactly the right thing AND that your children think it took is pretty arrogant.

P.S. weird to prioritise the older child who already had undivided attention as a baby over teaching THEM not to be entitled and to let you attend to the baby, surely?

Agreed. Babies have emotional needs as well as physical. They aren't robots. The first three years are hugely important in a human's development.

I work in a scientific field, and approve strongly of evidence-based practice. However, I think in our constant pursuit for the ‘studies that show…’ we seem to have lost a degree of common sense, and ability to follow the instincts that have served our species well for a very long time. Of COURSE it is not ideal to leave a tiny baby to cry and not respond to them. Surely that’s just so obvious as to not need saying. I agree, actual evidence that it does long term harm is in no way conclusive, but that’s partly because it would be very hard to establish a strong link, given all the other complexities that could be at play. Surely we can rely on our gut for some things. Of course there may be many other things that have contributed to how you feel today, OP, but early attachments are so crucial, and I don’t think it’s that far fetched to think it could have contributed.

I agree with that and that is why I was a full time mother for the first seven years of my children's lives.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis do be kind enough to point out where I have pretended please.

i think it entirely reasonable for a three and a half year old to have 30 minutes of time dedicated to them. The baby had dedicated time when he was at nursery.

Yes, I'm happy to be called arrogant. My parenting produced two loving successful adults who graduated from Oxford and Cambridge respectively with firsts. Let's hope you do as well on your parenting journey.

I imagine that all the MNetters who let their DC hang out in parks until 10pm aged 14, and unilaterally note that children are grown adults at 18 who need no support, never put a baby down to cry. Their child rearing skills being so exemplary.

No one asked for an AI answer 🙄

No one asked for your answer either 🙄

I have DT’s - you can’t attend to two crying babies at once - one or the other was left to cry for however long it took me to sort on the first. We also did sleep training (did not leave them to cry excessively). They went to full time nursery from six months old
Neither (now in their mid 20’s) has any emotional, psychological or physical issues. Both are happy, healthy successful young adults.

I mean it really needs some context.

Once, for 5 minutes before you fell asleep and then you woke up in your house is very different to doing it daily from 0-4 years and leaving you screaming for an hour a time.

Parents at the end of their tether are often told to put baby somewhere safe andeave them if there's a worry you might accidently hurt them. Perhaps she thought that was safer for you than her having a screaming hysterical fit because she wasn't coping.

You need to look at more than one incident

Z

Exactly.

I have twins and at one point I had 3 under 2. Someone always had to wait.

They are still young but I'm confident that they will also be happy and healthy adults.

Stressed, tired, emotionally overwhelmed children are at a disadvantage in life. They spend so much energy and cognitive capacity just coping with the situations that they're in that it hugely cuts down their capacity to explore and to learn. And then they're further unable to keep up with their peers and become more anxious and the cycle is exacerbated.

My mum did this with one of my siblings 50 years ago. He was a baby that cried a lot apparently and it was just something that many people did then. He seems to be unscathed by it.
i am someone who never left my dc to cry but I can absolutely see that sometimes it is the safest option to put baby somewhere safe and leave them for a short while,

Baby would definitely stop crying when the local tom cat gets in the pram and smothers them..

Baby's cry and if you are at the end of your tether it's time to call a friend, family, Granny, kindly neighbour etc for help. Most people are thrilled at getting the chance to bounce a baby around.

Oh come on. All of those studies focus on “maternal bonds”, where fathers get a mention its usualyl because someone has been through the paper swapping out “mother” for “parent. Bowlby et all even used it in the titles and subtitles of their books and research. “Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds” owes as much to Bowlby’s own resentment at having nannies and being sent to boarding school as it does to objective research.

I’ve not assumed anything - that is your reading. I’ve said the data doesn’t support the claim that isolated event of inattention have any causal link with adult mental health. Happy to see data (with methodology) which contradicts that position.

Its naive to assume that studies carried out on modest numbers of cases, relying on reported history do not include any kind of bias, especially when the recommendations inevitably blame mothers and charge us with being infinitely stretchable.

No I didn’t sleep train because like many women my age I was told by the gurus of the day that my children would grow up to be axe murderers if we didn’t immediately respond to them. In reality, when you get to DC3 and 4 you simply can’t give every child this kind of attention and sometimes they have to settle themselves. You learn that it doesn’t result in axe murderers.

I know the fashion in psychology and child development books has been all about attachment for 35+ years - mine were some of the earlier DC subject to this. I've don’t agree that the data on this is so robust it justifies all the guilt tripping and blaming of mothers. Much of it makes some pretty sweeping cultural assumptions or focuses on subjects known to have MH problems and looks for correlations where society expects them.

Considering the generation currently described as having significant mental health problems up thread were raised in the era of obsessive attachment parenting I stand by my position that overall relationships and family situation are far more relevant to child development than sometimes having to leave the baby to settle itself.

Read the OP. Its about a mother who sometimes couldn’t cope leaving the baby to settle itself.

That is still advice given to mothers at moments they are at the end of their tether and cannot cope with a crying baby which won’t settle.

I was the first born and this is what my mother did with me when I was a baby. I had bad colic apparently, and she would put me in my pram at the end of the very big garden (farmhouse) and go inside and shut the windows and doors so she couldn't hear me crying.

I don't remember this, obviously, and can't say what impact it had on me, but I would say that a mother who does this to a small distressed baby is also more likely to be less caring in other ways - so, yes, part of a pattern of behaviour which can be harmful in the long run.

Just wanted to say, my post wasn't intended as a criticism of mothers, I never had children so I can't say how I would cope in this situation and I'm sure looking after babies is v stressful. I was more interested in any thoughts about how being subjected to this as a baby might affect a child's development and how that might play out as an adult...