How would this affect a baby?

[Appalonia]

If you were already a mum of two and you couldn't cope with your baby crying, so you put them in a pram and put them at the bottom of your long garden, so you couldn't hear them, how would that affect that baby...?

^^this

my social worker and currently pregnant daughter was telling me today that there are current studies to explore how eggs of women subject to DV are affected by the stress these situations cause (I.e. the eggs that ultimately fertilise and are born).

What was of particular interest is that these studies are also looking at the offspring of a DV victims’ offspring - so her ultimate grandchildren; sadly it seems that the cortisol can affect the eggs developing within a female foetus 😟.

I think it has long been known that this kind of neglect can result in depression and low self esteem. It wouldn't have been done with the first born dc.

Apparently the Swedish leave their babies outside in prams alone. I watched a travel programme the other day and it mentioned it.

No it was definitely not done with my older sister. And she became the deputy head girl of her school, went to Oxford and had a career as a high paying manager for a national corporation. So no depression or confidence issues there.

There is no evidence that occasionally taking time out or leaving a baby to settle causes problems with child development. If it did cause problems then entire generations would be prostrate and unable to function.

Far too many of the obsessive attachment theory books are reminiscent of the Bowlby scandals and the loading up of responsibilities and blame onto mothers for everything which may go wrong in adult life. There is little or no supporting data for most of the claims when you look into methodologies and raw data. Always look at the social context of many of these “studies” and the raw data which is frequently very, very poor. They always have an agenda.

Cohort studies are better for general trends but won’t predict for an individual. The idea that being left in the garden for short periods has a causal link with adult depression is not supported by any data. Bear in mind also that mothers were frequently exhorted by the experts of the day to leave babies outside to benefit from all the fresh air - this was the norm. Mothers cannot win.

Fashions swing from the rigidity of Truby King to the obsessively over childcentred “baby led everything” approach of more recent years. As with most things there is a middle path which is just as well when you have several children and jobs to juggle.

Depression and adult mental health is way too complex to blame on being left in the pram for short periods as a baby. Were you generally raised in a loving supportive home and is your sister just a different personality to you?

Have you seen the volume of metal health challenges in society?

I should imagine they’d be distressed because their need is not being met. However I have had to do it myself for 5 minutes just to take a breath and go back fresh and calm after feeling very frustrated. I thought that would be preferable to screaming within their earshot.

And these are all the fault of mothers not bending themselves 50 ways at once to ensure no child ever experiences a second of inattention?

And its nothing to do with being in the midst of a second industrial revolution and the massive societal and economic changes or the tendency to pathologise entirely normal emotions?

Yes obviously all the mothers’ fault.

I had three under five, so the baby was sometimes put down and left. However, this was always in the house, where I could keep an eye on her. In actual fact, babies do usually settle quite quickly. The faffing we did with our first didn’t work at all.

Never would I suggest leaving a baby that far away.

Thank goodness for some common sense.

I agree with @C8H10N4O2 .

We are much more responsive to children now, but they are certainly not happier. There may be many reasons for this (including online etc.) but I’m not sure we can say we are necessarily parenting more successfully than our parents.

I'm sure it's a mixture of lots of things and not just 'crying it out' but it's naive to think it doesn't contribute at all. I certainly don't think it has to be a mother though - you clearly read what you wanted to there. Fathers can ensure their child feels safe and comforted in their infancy too.

Not responding consistently to a baby’s cries—especially in infancy—can have long-term effects on their emotional, psychological, and even physical development. Babies cry as their primary way to communicate needs, and how caregivers respond plays a critical role in shaping their early development.

Here’s how a lack of response might affect a child as they grow:

🧠
1. Brain Development

• Stress Hormones: When babies are left to cry repeatedly without comfort, their levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) remain elevated.
• Neural Wiring: Chronic stress during this sensitive period can affect brain regions tied to emotion regulation, attachment, and executive function.

❤️
2. Attachment and Emotional Security

• Insecure Attachment: Babies learn whether the world is a safe place based on how caregivers respond. Ignored cries can lead to insecure or avoidant attachment styles.
• Trust Issues: Children may grow up with difficulty trusting others or relying on close relationships.

😟
3. Emotional Regulation

• Poor Self-Soothing: Babies need help learning to regulate their emotions. If no one helps them calm down, they may struggle with self-soothing as toddlers and beyond.
• Increased Anxiety: Chronic lack of comfort can increase the risk of anxiety, withdrawal, or behavioral issues later in life.

🗣️
4. Communication and Social Skills

• Babies who are responded to learn that their voice matters.
• Lack of response may cause them to:
• Be more quiet or withdrawn.
• Have delayed speech or social interaction skills.

🧍‍♀️
5. Sense of Self and Confidence

• Consistent responses build self-worth. Ignored cries can lead to feelings of being unimportant or unworthy, which may affect self-esteem into adolescence and adulthood.

⚖️ Important Note:

• Occasional delayed responses (e.g., a parent needing a moment or being in the bathroom) are not harmful.
• It’s about consistent, loving caregiving, not perfection.
• Some parenting approaches like “controlled crying” or “sleep training” can be used safely if done gently and with attunement—context matters.

I love the “relatively” 😄

You have described me and my sister. I had a terrible start compared to her and I have never been right.

I think it's related too OP. YANBU.

Did you sleep train by any chance? Attachment theory is a very developed section of psychology and there is lots of robust data that leaving a baby to cry and not being for them leads to insecure attachment and mental health problems. The parents of baby boomers were told to do it too, and baby boomers are hardly in touch with their emotions are they?

I was with you until the last bit when you said sleep training and controlled crying don't cause the things you mentioned above. It's the same thing.

🤣🤣🤣

My parents, 85 and 79, are incredibly entitled.

Massive generalisation on boomers, thanks. As someone born in the final Boomer year, I know many people who are fully in touch with their own feelings and have also spent their working lives transforming various types of care and social services to ensure they are client-centred, participatory, and more fully meet the needs of vulnerable populations.
While self-awareness is obviously a good thing, it can easily step into self-absorption. You can see this trait in every generation, but I do think social media can encourage it.

I knew someone who regularly put her crying 8/9 month baby to bed in the attic and then switched the Hoover on so that she couldn't hear him. She was quite open about telling people but this was some years ago. He was her second and the first had been a model baby. God knows what she was thinking, apart from the obvious.
He was a bit of a handful as he got older. Was it connected? Who knows but it was a pretty stupid thing to do.

Horribly so! I'm the 3rd of 4 kids, and my parents used to put me in the corridor to not hear me cry so they could focus on the other 2 kids and whatever they were trying to do. Although I do understand why (I have 2 kids and know how hard it can be, although I obviously don't have 3 or 4) I believe it's left me highly anxious and clingy still and I constantly feel like I am not being heard. I would never do this to my children. If a baby cries, it's because they have a need. Putting them out of ear shot doesn't meet that need, as comfortable and convenient it is for you. Often, that need is just geing held, carried, talked or sung to.
Sorry but I find this so cruel.

You know nothing about why she did this. Stop with the mum shaming. Are you perfect. Sometimes mothers do what they need to to get through the day.

She explains why she did it. To spend time with her older child. No I’m not perfect but I have two children and never let either of them cry while I ignored them. Accusations of “mum shaming” are so childish.

Same here! I've been having therapy for a while because I have generalised anxiety and it's ruining my life. A few months ago, my mum said in passing they used to leave me in the corridor all the time so they couldn't hear me, and it's like a penny drop - or rather, my heart co.pletely sank, I felt a cold sweat and felt incredibly sad, a horrible feeling. I am close to my mum and dad, love them dearly and I am not "damaged" but I would say it has definitely affected me badly.

I think it depends how long you were left. No one can say you won't have been affected by it or that your mental health issues are not linked. We know that having parents who respond to a baby's emotional and physical needs is better for the baby than having parents who don't.