Is the worry of men getting 50/50 in court ,making women stay in abusive relationships

[Summerwhippet]

Just from reading some threads on here , it made me think ,how awful it must be to know your in an abusive relationship,but then also know if you leave he can go for 50/50,.
Do the courts listen to the woman,in this situation?
I can't imagine an abusive husband would make a great father ,mine certainly didn't,thank goodness I only had to go every other weekend.
When did it become normal for men to get 50/50

I only have experience of being a child of a divorce ,and 50/50 would of been a disaster for me

Very often whatever the mother says is skewed as deliberately poisoning the father/child relationship, in many cases when there is documented evidence of abuse. The whole system is geared up to meet the wants of these men.

It would be interesting if there was evidence as to how many women manipulate the system in order to cut decent fathers out, but I’d hazard a guess it would be similar to the numbers of women falsely accusing rape.

Every single man I’ve known who feels his psycho ex was out to hurt him/take his children away/poison their relationship has turned out to be lying. Every single one.

This system totally indulges them. They can pick holes in the arguments of desperate women and get her run through the system as a punishment.

I’ve been through it so many times. It’s not about money. Men like my ex are controlling. They like controlling women and children. If you have to go to court to explain why you might be an acceptable parent then the onus should be on you to positively demonstrate that and evidence it. Not say “give me chance”.

They should be able too.

I personally know a few cases.
One of them had a history of convicted DV, arrest for coercive control, and a restraining order against his ex wife. He still got 50/50 and used that to torture her until the child was 14 and refused to see him again.

Absolutely, especially where the dad is violent or cruel. You can get away, maybe, but then your poor kids have to be with him without you there.. you’d rather suffer the relationship so you know you can protect them.

@saltandvinegarchipsticks DD would say that too. Lots of people might try for 50:50 but unsuitable parents don’t get it. Often courts are dealing with difficult cases where there is no agreement - a judge dividing dc in half isn’t what they do. All the reports, evidence and position statements have to mean something.

Yes. ‘Psycho’ ex 🙄

Red flag for any woman, if a new bf describes his ex as ‘psycho’.

Plenty of the new girlfriends are absolute psychos and give the ex-girlfriend a run for their money.
Some men definitely have a type and love the drama

Ok Prof.

That can be your opinion but I've seen firsthand exactly what you're talking about in the reverse. Fathers who have tried to advocate for their children but have not been believed, one particularly astonishing moment was a woman stating she had physically assaulted her child because "I was under a lot of stress" which was apparently an acceptable reason (according to social services and CAFCASS) to assault an 18 month old on no less than 3 occasions which were witness by the father and by the neighbours.
And that's just one of the several cases which were mind blowingly lax when it came to the mothers but incredibly hard on the fathers, one of which was told he had to seek therapy in order to see his child, despite his GP stating he had never had mental health issues, because the mother made allegations which were eventually proven to be untrue.

There is also plenty of evidence in child development which makes it abundantly clear that children require a healthy relationship with both parents. I've yet to see any child psychologist dispute that. Unless there is actual risk to a child, which is very few and far between - a vast majority of divorce or separation cases the adults just hate each other, that does not mean they pose a risk to a child.

As for your last point - imagine being a father in exactly the same situation - only people are far less likely to believe you...that was my point to start with and quite frankly you're proving that it's a real issue with your comment...

Wow...I simply cannot imagine being ignorant enough to hold such a viewpoint.

What... The truth?

Ah, yes .. "the psycho ex" who just won't let him have the kids...she turned them against him and now won't even let him see them at the playground. He'd go to court for access, but she'll lie about him, she's so horrible and bitter. And you know how courts are, they'll believe everything she says, so it's not worth it, because they'll side with her. No, he isn't paying maintenance for his kids, because that bitch will just spend it on hair and nails won't she??
But, he'll be a good daddy to your kids...

I think this man gets a powerful story that a lot of women absolutely love. She gets wrapped up in the drama, feels special, and narcissistically, gets her self esteem upped and downed depending on what the man wants. It’s “you and me babe, against the world” on steroids

I take it you haven’t had a look at that link I posted, the 2020 Ministry of Justice harm report.

As I said before, abuse can be perpetrated by both men and women however the fact is, in the vast majority of cases in the family courts it is men who are the perpetrators . in terms of the courts being mind blowing lax, I couldn’t agree with you more. Again in the majority of cases, this means that women and children are left being forced to cope with male aggression. Of course, sometimes it goes the other way. What we need is a system which is much more capable of addressing abuse Whoever is perpetrating it, and where children’s needs are put before the pro contact culture.

Of course, a healthy relationship with both parents is the ideal but 50-50 is not required for this, so it’s a separate matter anyway. We need good quality evidence that tells us whether 50-50 is actually better for children and in which cases. This matter has not been settled.

your claim that abuse is rare is wrong. Again, look at the harm report.

What exactly is it you think I said which proves your point? I’ve acknowledged that at times men are the victims of abuse, but the evidence shows us that the majority of the time it’s women. You claimed that women get an easier ride, whilst it might be, that you know of a particularly egregious case where this has happened, across-the-board this is simply untrue. if you don’t believe me, read the report.

Regardless, either way around children are not being put first, and people are having to live their lives in misery because of a dysfunctional system.

@coolbreezes CAfcass didn’t make the decision did they? Letting this fester away, keeping it in the forefront of his thinking, isn’t acceptable. It’s manipulating your child plus it won’t happen. You can go back to court if situation has changed.

I don’t think it’s dysfunctional other than it’s very slow. Just because you don’t agree with something, it doesn’t make it wrong. Mental health issues are fully investigated and fact finding regarding abuse is often he said, she said etc. So many cases don’t involve any abuse but parents use dc as a power grab.

Haha, it's the insinuation that's the issue - not that I'm at all surprised you need me to walk you to the point.

The report isn't going to reflect reality is the issue - when you look at how underreported female on male abuse is any report surrounding perpetrators of harm will not be accurate...understanding that is the bigger issue being faced by domestic abuse charities for men - of which there are far fewer. Try looking at the male suicide rate, there's a reason it's as high as it is.

That one case is the tip of the iceberg - I could give hundreds of examples where women have been favoured despite evidence they have abused their children and were given "a second chance" by social services, so again these reports look great on paper but when you actually spend time viewing the real time working of the system you'd know that the reality is rather different.

In regards to a majority of cases don't involve abuse is not at all incorrect, a majority of cases don't even get to court, most are settled in mediation, which is why parents are forced to attempt mediation before they are even offer a hearing.

the point you're proving is how woefully educated people are and how quick they are to claim it's men that are the issue and a majority of men shouldn't get 50/50 when the truth is they absolutely should - if they prove that 50/50 isn't in a child's best interest (again I've not yet met a child psychologist who believes it isn't with the information currently available) then perhaps the default should be they have a permanent home with father and mother can get every other weekend...suggest that and watch the vitriol.

A late friend was a mental health nurse, as a middle aged man he often worked with suicide survivors and when we talked domestic abuse was not ever brought up as a common cause. I’m not going to divulge what he told me here as it’s not appropriate to derail this thread.

At the end of the day male on female abuse is more common and has worse consequences - 2 men a week aren’t killed by their female partner are they?

Male crime is very different to female crime, and I’m so sick of people trying to make out women are complicit or equal when they’re just not.

50/50 should be where negotiations start, with the child in mind. If the mother is the default parent (as they so often are) this should be taken into account for the sake of any children, and is why your suggesting EOW for the mother to see her reaction rarely happens, because it would be traumatic for the child.

For most separated couples I know the mother has the majority of the time because the father does not want them for half the time. The two families I know who are 50/50 do it well, but both fathers have passed most of the parenting of their children onto a new babysitter, I mean partner.

There is a known failure of family courts and CAFCASS to favour men even with evidence of abuse (go and look at Dr Jessica Taylor and Dr Charlotte Proudman on social media platforms), and for women to be dismissed (yet again!).

Won’t engage in this further but simply to point out that you are ignoring research by dismissing the harm report out of hand, you haven’t even bothered to give it a cursory glance and then call me ignorant.

Tiresome

In my extensive experience while there are more male than females judges they are both equally liable to be awful

Sarah sharif

A child with separated parents who both have overnight contact is always going to have two homes. There might always be different food, bedtime routines, rules in each house and they will always have possessions at each house. This isn't caused by 50/50. It's caused by separation and both parents having overnight access.

With 50/50, both houses are normal life and are home. The child isn't being taken from normal life 3 or 4 nights a fortnight to visit somewhere else.

In our case, one partner stayed in the former marital home and another bought a house 2 minutes' walk away. We have 50/50 contact and whilst there is a fixed.contact schedule our child pops between the houses if they need something or to show the other parent something etc. Most belongings like clothes and books etc live in each house. The things that move between the houses like homework and books for music lessons and swimming kit are moved by the parents when the child is at school and without any effort or worry for the child. We discuss food, bedtime, screen issues, homework, school, health issues, child friendship issues, extra curricular activities etc etc so that things are similar at both houses. They can never be absolutely identical as that is impractical but there is zero conflict about child issues and frequent chats to sort things out in person and over text.

What sort of evidence are people looking for that this is a good idea and works? In our case my ex is a great co-parent who conscientiously supports our child. This seems ideal to me if separation happens. We're both women.

And even living together children have slightly different experiences of being parented by two different parents especially when work schedules dont coincide and parenting is in "shifts". One parent might cook different food, be more or less strict about bedtime, do different activities with the child. That doesn't seem to harm them?!