Is the worry of men getting 50/50 in court ,making women stay in abusive relationships

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Just from reading some threads on here , it made me think ,how awful it must be to know your in an abusive relationship,but then also know if you leave he can go for 50/50,.
Do the courts listen to the woman,in this situation?
I can't imagine an abusive husband would make a great father ,mine certainly didn't,thank goodness I only had to go every other weekend.
When did it become normal for men to get 50/50

I only have experience of being a child of a divorce ,and 50/50 would of been a disaster for me

But yes I do believe some women stay so they can protect their kids 100% of the time.

They think and believe they are protecting and it is understandable why they believe that ...
They are not
Far better to take kids away and out even if they are ordered to go back 50%
Away from abusive household they can see what calm etc looks like
And can raise with teachers etc their views about going to the abusive parent
Plus the abusive parent may settle down and be more competent with the kids over time without the toxic adult relationship going on 100% of the time

Yup

You realise that many many abusers out there remain very calm whilst they're busy emotionally and mentally abusing, right? My ex husband was amazing at it. A look could make me deeply afraid.

Do you think some women object to 50/50 because they don’t want to not get maintenance?

Exactly. And 50% is 50% too much unsupervised contact with these people.

Hence the Women’s Aid Child First Campaign.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/get-involved/campaign/childfirst/

Just one example 😔

Yes I stayed for a while so I could supervise his parenting.

Anyway, now he's gone, I have been advised by a women's charity not to go to court for childcare arrangements, as the court will likely award 5050 in spite of NMO, additions, crime, arrests, violence etc.

They outright told me that right now, the arrangements are in my control and working, at way less than 5050. Don't mess with it, they said.

Good advice, by the sounds of it.

I can understand why it would be a worry with an abusive man however staying with them isn’t better for the kids either? On the other hand I wish my ex wanted 50/50 though he wasn’t abusive so obviously different situation.

Although I understand most women stay for housing.

Also, mine outright told me he wanted 100% custody so he'd 'be in control'

No intention of actually wishing to nicely raise his kids. Just a power thing.

Yep, I know at least 2 people who stayed because they could protect their small kids from the worst of it.
Left alone with Dad, there was no oversight or control.

It's a hideous position to be in and definitely not rare

I'm an IDVA. A lot of the clients I work with absolutely cite the fear unsupervised contact as one of the reasons for staying in the relationship. It's always multi-faceted, but it is frequently one of the factors.

In my experience, pretty much all abusive parents threaten to take full custody. The majority of the ones who request 50/50 are doing it so they don't have to pay maintenance, but quickly either find another women to do the childcare (usually their mother or a new partner) or more often just say they're not available for contact. That leaves the victim (usually the mother) with the vast majority of contact but no maintenance.

For most of the abusers in the cases I've worked with, actually having to parent their own children is their worst nightmare. They want to be the CEO of the family, calling all the shots and giving endless 'constructive feedback', but they want someone else to do the work.

I've had a tiny handful of cases where the abuser has requested 50/50 residency, been granted it, and then gone on to actually stick to it. When that's happened, it's usually worked well. But as I said, those who are granted it usually aren't available in real life and the victim ends up being the default parent anyway.

I feel like the view that 50:50 is right is similar to the one that I am a TERF because I think women are adult human females, and that people can identify as they wish, but they cannot change sex. In decades to come I think we will realise 50:50 is not the right starting point. That’s not to say it isn’t right in some cases, but I don’t think it’s where we should begin.

I feel ‘lucky’ that my ex hasn’t pushed for 50:50. He’s not been interested. And it wouldn’t have been right for our daughter. I shouldn’t be thinking I’m lucky for that, but it is how I feel. She was 2 when we split.

I can definitely see it impacting relationship choices.

I've been advised exactly the same by a few organisations now.

It absolutely is one of the main reasons I stayed until the youngest started school.
The child maintenance service calculation does not account for the need to pay for childcare so that you can work, If you earn anything over minimum wage universal Credit does not fill the gap
And if you have three children you’re done for.

No judge I have ever met would award 50/50 where there’s a criminal record, history of domestic abuse, and non-molestation order. I’ve never seen it happen in eight years working in the system.

You'd think it would be a wake up call for family courts, when charities are actively advising their target market against using their service.

But something tells me they don't give a shit otherwise they wouldn't be driving ahead with their obvious agenda.

They have granted them unsupervised contact though.

The family courts actually don’t want people to use their service. They’d much rather parents made their own arrangements with no need to come to a judge. I think it’s absolutely normal to advise people to avoid court if at all possible, because even in the best case scenario it’s incredibly stressful.

Yes, I am not saying this doesn’t happen, and I can fully understand women being fearful of this.

My situation with my ex is as described in your first paragraph and it works. We don't actually get on, but we put the children first and despite meeting new partners, we don't live with them. I'm not against blended families, but it wouldn't work for me. If both parents are capable and live near each other, 50/50 is the best outcome.

Third post nails it.
I can't believe how rent has pretty much doubled in my town over just five years. And waiting list for a council home even in the highest band (living in a hostel even with older kids) is over five years. And the high income needed to be approved for a mortgage these days.

I know one woman pretty much stuck with a complete asshole because they brought a tiny house (one bedroom) most of the deposit was her money so if they split he gets half of that and she wouldn't be able to get another mortgage with only half of that. Luckily they don't have kids because kids would complicate a situation like that so much more

I think yes women do stay. In my case my ex hurt my DD as a proxy because I was not there to hurt. He took his rage out on her. I was forced by the court into contact arrangements which were a lot less than 50 50, even then, he was still able to hurt her and did for years.

My view is that the family court is deeply misogynistic and doesn’t want women in there complaining about abuse or abuse of their children. They will take a chance with your child that it will be okay. Often it’s not okay.

My DD has PTSD. Thanks family court. And thanks again for letting this abusive man have another go at getting in contact.

Men like this ruin lives, along with lazy district judges

I delayed leaving because I was even scared of abusive ex having much less than 50:50 with very young DC.

When it went to court he didn't go for 50:50 as it wouldn't have suited him at all. He didn't even used to manage the court ordered contact but does more so now as with DC now in teens it's much less work and he has another woman to pick up his slack.

It's been EOW and one night a week for years now. He's never asked for more though he pretends to DC he has.

I can honestly say even that level of contact has had a detrimental effect on my DC but at least it's been less than it might have been, and it was absolutely the right thing for me to leave for DC's wellbeing and my own.