Solidarity to those who don’t have a magical dad

[Sodfathersday]

Today is Fathers Day. My socials feed is full of photos from people celebrating amazing dads. And mine isn’t. He’s a weak man who made my childhood very difficult, womanised, and made my lovely late mum’s life very difficult.
I’m trying hard not to feel guilty about not acknowledging today.
But it’s hard.
Anyone else in a similar position?

I'm so sorry you have a father like that.

My magical dad died when I was 13.

Mine used to beat the crap out of me with a slipper. He had a violent temper on a hair trigger. He's got dementia now but the temper still comes out if my sister and I try to intervene to get our parents some support. They're festering away in a filthy house and we've given up trying to help.

Yep! Neither my dad or my FIL were great.

Mine favoured my brother, funding his interests and refusing to fund mine. He supported my brother through university and refused to contribute to my degree so I had to go as a mature student so I could get a full grant. It was always his way or no way.

My FIL was a horrible controlling man who abused his wife and made everyone's lives difficult.

We're very involved in our church but have opted out this morning because it's a father's day themed service.

Instead I am listening to our 23 year old and 19 year old kids making a cook breakfast together for their dad. They're talking about university life and grad jobs and laughing together while I sit here with tears in my eyes because I really have hope that we might have broken the spell of horrible dads in both our families.

Mine's dead and was lovely but had his flaws so wasn't magical. Just remember social media isn't a true reflection of reality. Rarely will people show negativity

The courts decided he was too violent and ordered he could not contact us until we were 18, met him once and he was a big disappointment.

My children have a very decent father though so I'm happy to break that cycle.

My Dad wasn't magical, but he was my Dad. He was flawed. He cheated. Mum forgave him and loved him hugely. I loved him and I miss him. He has some wonderful qualities as well as his flaws. He was human. I also know I have complicated feelings about relationships and self esteem influenced by my parents' relationship.

It is ok to feel as you do. Do you have a relationship with him still?

I have to say that it annoys me so much when Father’s Day turns into nothing but people whinging about how bad their dad is.

So you’re seeing “nothing” but this both online and in real life? Yeah right. OP has a right to express her feelings and so does others - it’s a hard day for lots of people for lots of reasons.

My Dad was not magical. But I loved him.

So you have to come and tramp all over a thread where people who are finding this day difficult are sharing how hard this day is for some of them? What a lovely person you must be...

My dad is truly magical. You couldn't dream of a better father. But sadly, my own daughter has an absolutely useless absent dad who hasn't seen her in years (completely his own choice) and I'm very sad for her. 😔

Well fuck off to the my dad was brilliant post then 🤷🏻‍♀️ I grew up with a narcissistic functioning alcoholic which affected my whole life so I’m sorry I can’t join in with everyone who feels that.

It couldn't have been clearer from the OP's thread title that the thread was going to be about people whose fathers have caused them problems, so I don't understand why you'd open the thread if you're sick of hearing about that subject.

That might be down to so many men being crap fathers surely 😂 Of course people have a reaction to the whole ‘oh dads are so amazing’ narrative when that’s not their opinion at all.

DF opted out of parenting when I was 7 and swanned back in when me/siblings neared adulthood. We’re celebrating today with breakfast, cards and gifts - probably does look ‘picture perfect’ (though I’m not the type to put it on socials) but underneath it all today I’m feeling very, very salty and it’s brought up a lot of emotions.

Sorry you’re feeling shit OP.

My father is an abusive prick. I haven’t seen him in about 15 years. I don’t feel guilty about not acknowledging him today or any other day and don’t think about Father’s Day in terms of him. My own children have a lovely dad.

I don’t at the moment. He has sworn at me once too often, and spent many months trying to get money out of me. He gave all of his away to women abroad, and now he’s in lots of debt, with no savings left. It was his to give, but its difficult to tolerate his constant requests for money.
he’s never protected me, or cared about anything I did. I’ve only ever existed to give him someone to blame. If he hadn’t had me, his life would have been better (his narrative) and anyone who defended me in my childhood was told to mind their own business.
Sadly, I do still have love for him but I won’t be sworn at or accept aggression towards me, and he doesn’t think he has ever done anything wrong.
And I haven’t seen any other posts out there from anyone who doesn’t have a fabulous dad, so I wanted to reach out to others who might feel similarly to me today.

My DF was and is an angry man, and has been what I can only describe as radicalised by nasty right wing shit on youtube/Facebook and decided at the end of last year to try and punch my DH for not agreeing with his racist opinion. Instead of apologising he doubled down, and I have not sent a card and will likely get an abusive voicemail later on.

Yep no magical dad here either. Drank himself to death with no regards for anyone or the damage he caused on his self destruct mission.
To be honest Father’s Day doesn’t really bother me as I can’t really miss what I’ve never had but sometimes I do wonder what it’s like.
I will spend today making a fuss of dh with the kids as he does to me on Mother’s Day.
His mum did exactly the same to him as she was also drank herself to death so he gets it.

This is ill-considered at best, and plain nasty at worst. If it bothers you so much, mute the thread and try to summon up some empathy/respect for people who find days like this difficult, and for good reason.

Thanks for starting the thread OP. Honestly it feels nice to see the thread title and to be able to have that solidarity. I’m sorry you don’t have a lovely dad and I know how it feels.

I could write a lot about my now late dad, but basically he was just abusive from start to finish. To the point where later in life he was convicted and jailed. But I’ve come to terms with that I think. Oddly what’s harder is not having a nice dad - who gives advice, is protective of you or you can chat to, or comes round to help you with things.

I had a taste of that when my mum remarried and for a while (though only as an adult) I had my kind, sweet stepdad, though he has now also died. But he had his own kids and wasn’t my own dad and I was wary of overstepping.

for you and don’t feel any shame about wanting to talk about this.

You don't know anyone who had a good dad? That's sad.

I'm sorry. That must be very difficult to come to terms with. I think that speaks well of you that you can still have love for someone who has hurt you so much and let you down. You're absolutely right to have those boundaries and wish you strength in keeping them.

My Dad certainly wasn't like yours, however my teenage years were complex and I do remember picking out the cards and finding it hard when they all said 'to the best dad in the world'. He wasn't. And I felt disappointed in him and couldn't buy those cards. He wasn't the worst in the world either. He was just mine.

I think it's healthy for you to talk about this and loads of people will feel the same.

I'm sorry your dad made your childhood difficult, but lots of people have great dads and want celebrate them
I lost my mum in January this year ,so mothers day and whst would have been her birthday have Been difficult but we had a meal and raised a glass to her .

My father is now dead, but he was a complex man which made being his daughter and having a relationship with him challenging, to put it mildly. At times I mourn him and at others I mourn the Dad I never had, the one I should have had, the one others had, and I wonder how different things would have been had I had the latter kind of Dad.

I’ve been lucky enough to see some great dads around. And if a friend has lost their dad, I always say how glad I was that they had a special one.
I just wish mine could have been different I guess