Solidarity to those who don’t have a magical dad

[Sodfathersday]

Today is Fathers Day. My socials feed is full of photos from people celebrating amazing dads. And mine isn’t. He’s a weak man who made my childhood very difficult, womanised, and made my lovely late mum’s life very difficult.
I’m trying hard not to feel guilty about not acknowledging today.
But it’s hard.
Anyone else in a similar position?

I'm happy for my friends to celebrate and enjoy Fathers Day.
My Dad is alive but I don't celebrate this day or post pictures.
Solidarity with everyone else who is the same.

Why tf would you post that on this thread? That's a really weird choice.

Mine is shit, highlights include calling me every night while I was at uni for up to an hour telling me he was going to hang himself (he wasn’t) and borrowing money off me at every opportunity to go out with his mates whilst forgetting his grandchildren’s birthdays. I am eternally grateful that my children will never know anything other than their absolutely magnificent dad, also pretty proud of myself for breaking the cycle and marrying said great dad. Sorry you are struggling, it’s crap

@x2boys OP doesn’t have a great dad, and wanted a safe place to share “crap dad” experiences with others, so that she doesn’t feel alone in a sea of “perfect dad” social media posts. Why are you trying to take that away from her?

I hate mothers/fathers day

I lost my magical grandad years ago (the person who put the hard,boring and thankless hours into bringing me up when he should have been enjoying his retirement,not bringing me up)

I lost my magical fil to bastard cancer just after covid

My own father is a weak man

He never once stood up to my narcissistic mother when she was breaking the family up into 'golden child' and 'scapegoat' (while turning us against each other)

He allowed her to do what she wanted,when she wanted,and turned a blind eye to her abuse just so he got an easy life

He always treated us as an inconvenience and that we got in his way of his hobbies

He resented spending every single penny we cost him

He hated having to 'babysit' us on the odd time he had us alone

The cycle repeated when I gave him grandchildren

They both allowed me to be homeless at one point in my teens,while they where living in a 4 bed house,fully aware of what was happening and still refused to allow me to sleep on their sofa (they found it amusing)

He once told me I owed him 5p-hes a millionaire and I was a single mum on benefits,but he still demanded that 5p back

When I went nc with my mother,(for my own sanity) he took her side,told me to fuck off and has gleefully joined in with the smear campaign since

He's a weak,selfish,cold and lazy (but hard working-ill give him that)

Society is set up to love your parents and to appreciate everything they've ever done for you

And when those parents have done fuck all,it's hard to swallow when you see the cards with 'worlds best mum/dad' or presents with the same crap on it

Oh it truly sounds like you've broken that cycle 🥰 have a lovely day with your family x

❤️ to you all. My DC had the absolute best dad you could imagine and he died of cancer when they were 5 and 7. DC are now 13 and 16 and we miss him more than ever.

Going to see my own much loved dad later. A complex character who has had a lot of suffering in his life, but I know he loves me dearly.

I feel guilty I’m not doing anything with the DC to mark late DH, but finding this much harder now they are teens. We’re often not on the same page.

Exactly the same here.

I miss my dad, faults and all.

My dad is a violent bully, who mentally and physically tortured us for years. My whole childhood was just fear. Fear of his anger, fear of his fists, fear he’d kill my mum and we’d be left alone with him. In contrast, DH had the most wonderful father who we lost last year. It’s very hard for lots of people but I don’t begrudge people their love if they’ve been lucky enough to have a nice dad.

It's best to stay of social media on day's like this I think 🤔 I've never really missed what I didn't have (a dad) but I understand it stings & I think it's so important to try & break the cycle. Also I'm always a bit perplexed by the Mother's/Fathers day wishes on social media, we are a family that tell each other we love & appreciate each other (along with a card & maybe some chocolate/flowers).

My birth father sacked my mother when he found out she was pregnant. Met him once, denied all responsibility. Adoptive father I loved, but he was my mother's enabler and in many ways a cut off and unknowable man, now long dead. I'm saddened we didn't have a better relationship.

This thread encouraged me to text my DBro and tell him I'm proud of the father he is, against a lot of odds.

My Dad was a violent brute who made my life hell until I was removed by social services when I was 13.

He died a few years ago, ironically on Father’s Day. I find it a very tough day every year. Apologies if my experience doesn’t live up to your expectations.

My dad was an alcoholic who often told me thar he never wanted children. When I was 14 he told me that if I ran away he wouldn't look for me. He walked out on my sister's 18th birthday as he no longer had any responsibility towards us. He moved to Australia and told me that he was too busy to see me when he left.

Father's Day can fuck off.

So sorry. I had a lovely Dad but he died. I am luckier than many because he lived long enough to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and meet most of my DC but we should have had another 20-30 years with him.

I don’t relate to quite a few of the hallmark days of the year but I just don’t pay attention to them. Valentine’s for example, comes and goes and I couldn’t care less. My lovely dad died a couple of years ago and Father’s Day doesn’t even register with me. I think these things only upset you if you let them.

The people, me included, who have (mine is dead/not missed at all, nothing to miss) a shit 'dad' have no choice. We're stuck with crap parent(s).

You, on the other hand, have a choice to not read this thread, and others like it.

Feel free to hide the thread.

Take social media with a pinch of salt. One of my friends has put a “best daddy ever” post on like she does every Father’s Day and anniversary of her kids dad.

He was abusive, didn’t turn up after the birth of his kid, lied, was controlling, I could go on.

My dad died almost 8 years ago. He wasn't magical, he was a complicated guy who had a tough childhood and mental health problems on and off all his adult life. But he was also a decent man who was just trying his best with what he had. If I ever had a problem, he was the one I'd go to.
I do miss him, but am glad he's now at peace and the demons died with him.

I really have hope that we might have broken the spell of horrible dads in both our families.

It sounds as if you've definitely done that. You've reminded me that I was listening to this archive programme on Radio 4 Extra yesterday about the song The Boxer. At around 17 minutes in a man from Ohio starts talking about his Dad. This is what he says:

The song is really about a person who is overcoming adversity and my father took his share of hits in life. He grew up in a home where, by today's standards, it would have been called abusive, basically by the hands of his mother. You know, sometimes when people grow up in an abusive situation they replicate that in their adult life, but some people are part of what you call a seawall generation - kind of like, the seawall will absorb the waves, and then on the other side of the seawall you can have a safe harbour. My father provided for me a very safe harbour in which to grow up.

Well, I think anybody like you, @Splendud and others bringing up children who manage to do a good job in spite of not having a good example to follow have definitely created that safe harbour. Well done and good luck.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3ct0x65

The song is really about a person who is overcoming adversity and my father took his share of hits in life. He grew up in a home where, by today's standards, it would have been called abusive, basically by the hands of his mother. You know, sometimes when people grow up in an abusive situation they replicate that in their adult life, but some people are part of what you call a seawall generation - kind of like, the seawall will absorb the waves, and then on the other side of the seawall you can have a safe harbour. My father provided for me a very safe harbour in which to grow up.

This is beautiful, thank you @Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

I have the same but with my mother but unfortunately I do feel I need to acknowledge it as my lovely Dad who is still alive, whose life she makes a misery, would be upset if I didn’t. However I just buy a bland card with ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ and nothing more. No flowery poems or ‘best Mum’ because she really isn’t.

I have an OK relationship with my dad but I wouldn’t say we are close. He is selfish in a lot of ways and can be a pompous twat who sulks and gives the silent treatment but has also had complex mental health issues over the years. He is generous financially (throw money at the problem and hope it goes away type thing) and buys great, thoughtful presents for birthdays and Christmas, but actually what I would like is for him to just ring me occasionally for a catch up. Instead it’s me who rings him, sends messages, photos etc. He’s just shit at communicating.

So no, I don’t bother with father’s day.

My father died just over five years ago. I honestly don't miss him and I've only realised I never liked him that much since he's been dead. Our relationship was cordial, even businesslike and that's as good as it got. To me, he was the provider (which he never failed at) whereas Mum - also long gone - was the real parent. As the youngest of seven, I often wonder if the novelty and delights of parenthood were somewhat jaded by the time I was born and that soured our relationship.