Solidarity to those who don’t have a magical dad

[Sodfathersday]

Today is Fathers Day. My socials feed is full of photos from people celebrating amazing dads. And mine isn’t. He’s a weak man who made my childhood very difficult, womanised, and made my lovely late mum’s life very difficult.
I’m trying hard not to feel guilty about not acknowledging today.
But it’s hard.
Anyone else in a similar position?

I had an extremely psychologically abusive father. He’s still alive but I want nothing to do with him. Thanks for the solidarity - I’ve had loads of advertising emails in the last week and it just rubs it in. I don’t think I’ve ever got over how he treated me. Wish I had a magical Dad.

Mine died 8 years ago but very similar. Terrible womaniser, hugely disorganised with money, anger issues and a bully. I gave him a second chance when I had DD but realised he would never change so w3 t very low contact and only saw him very occasionally at family events. He got Alzheimer’s and died and I don’t miss him at all. Don’t feel guilty OP it’s not your fault. I do feel envious of those who had supportive fathers.

Solidarity, op.
My dad was absolutely awful. I’ve not seen him for over half my life now, since I was 14, when he pinned me against a wall and spat in my face repeatedly because… well, I forget why, it was inconsequential anyway, but I decided that day enough was enough. He spent our childhood terrorising us with his hair trigger temper, flying off the handle regularly over nothing at all and kicking, punching and slapping us, burning us, throwing things at us, destroying our belongings… I have no strong feelings about it now and it doesn’t really affect my day to day life, but it was fucking brutal at the time and for some time afterwards.
Happily my own children’s father couldn’t be more different. I feel grateful every day that my kids will never feel the way I had to.

My dad was emotionally abusive to my mum who died when I was 2 (I found the letters she wrote when I was early teens). He was a psychological abusive alcoholic who also sexually abused me. He is a narcissist and spineless. He neglected me throughout my childhood whilst hailing himself as the hero dad owing to my mums death. He allowed myself and brothers to be accessible to people who physically and sexually abused us for years. He was directly responsible for the death of my brother at the age of 36. When I left home, no longer fulfilling the role of surrogate wife he married someone as equally as evil. Yeah - fathers day is a punch to my heart. My daughter is now 4 and asks a millions questions about where she's from. Its a grief that will never leave me.

According to mumsnet all fathers are dreadful.

Mine was shit, spineless and frankly pathetic. He has crossed my mind today I can’t lie, but it doesn’t hurt me anymore. It’s his loss.

My father was very weak and enabled my narcissistic “mother” to abuse me repeatedly throughout my life until my mental health was destroyed. And he joined in with the golden child/scapegoat dynamic which my mum created with my golden sibling. When I went NC he led the gaslighting of me and joined in with the smear campaign against me.

But I can honestly say until this thread I haven’t given him a seconds thought. I think I can’t miss what I never had, and I definitely don’t miss what I DID have. So the day has been about my DH and our DC.

Can those not affected by this leave people who are to support each other ffs?! It’s a solidarity thread !

Yes, my own father was a violent drunk who terrorised the whole family and my mum was under his coercive control. It still affects me now and I’m in my 60s!

My own DH is a good man and my girls (in their 20s) adore him.

People who have good relationships with their parents and who weren’t abused, simply don’t understand or maybe they do and that’s why they are rude and aggressive.

i am completely estranged from my dad. We don’t speak since he stopped speaking to me about 5 years ago. Some perceived slight, I don’t know what I did. After many years of him just not being a good dad. I just don’t think about him. Having a dad is just not a thing I have, like I don’t have an Olympic Medal or a speedboat.

Thank you for sharing this. I've never heard that term before but the seawall generation perfectly describes what DH and I have tried to be.

My Dad committed suicide when I was 4, so I spent Father’s Days growing up taking flowers to his grave with my Grandparents.
I’ve only ever known absence.

I am beyond happy my own children are having an entirely different experience with my DH. It’s actually watching them I’m realising the full enormity of the absence I experienced, but I am at peace with that.

It has always touched my heart growing up watching the Dads who did give heartfelt speeches at their daughter’s weddings, still help them with all their DIY/gardening, are always on the other end of a phone. I am still so pleased and relieved for anyone who does have that relationship.

Thanks for this thread.
I have recently gone NC with my dad (years of his shitty behaviour.... no one big event but I had enough), and have been struggling with all the Father's Day stuff in the shops, and social media etc being full of how great everyone's dad is.

Sorry, but why are people who can not relate to the thread title come on threads like this? Go celebrate your great dads elsewhere.

Mine was very mentally ill and quite emotionally abusive and neglectful as a result. I didn't have a dad really. I think I still have all sorts of issues from it including still needing a father figure. I'm having therapy!

My dad’s been dead for 25 years, and he was pretty crap before that. I’m NC with my mum, so had no parents left at all by the time I was 40. And certainly no loving nurturing ones ever as an adult. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It is what it is. You can’t choose your family or how much time you get with them.

I feel very fortunate that I have lots of people I do love. I have wonderful dc. I have Dh who is a fantastic dad. We have lovely friends and a good life. I’ve tried to focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t. But every once in a while it does strike me as remarkable that I just have no one. No one to ring me on Christmas. My kids don’t have grandparents for sleepovers. No family dinners or holidays. It’s literally just me and Dh. That seems normal, but I’m aware it’s not.

My dad is truly one of life’s great people. He’s not perfect but everything he does comes from the heart and he is a very very special person. My mother however, is not. I understand how you feel because my complicated relationship with my mother makes me hate Mother’s Day and I envy those who have easy unconditional relationships with their mother. My parents are thankfully divorced

Mine was (is, he’s still alive as far as I know) awful. Haven’t spoken to him for over 20 years. I’m lucky to have a great FIL.

I ignored social media hype about Father’s Day, wasn’t going to post about either my dad or my children’s dad. I’m always intrigued by woman who love their dads so much.

I can relate. If I suggest any help they need in the house due to his constant falling and my Mum’s stage 4 cancer, he shouts and virtually spits at me. I am very tired of it all and I did not get him a Father’s Day card. My late FiL was a nasty man who was emotionally abusive to my late sweet MiL, luckily she had a good last decade by herself. I felt sad yesterday looking at Facebook.