Cannot cope with our children anymore

[RainbowAndArrow]

6 and 4
6 year old has ASD. We suspect 4 year old does too.
They are like hurricanes. They don't stop talking. Everything needs explaining to the nth degree
But the bigger issues is the volatility of behaviour. Fine one minute then utterly unreasonable and not listening at all the next. 6 year old then has massive guilt, tears etc only to repeat it all at the next opportunity.
4 year old wouldn't stay in bed til 6 today (that's our rule). Screamed at me, hit me when I tried to put her back in her room.

I'm getting hit before 6am on a Saturday. I'm utterly exhausted.

This is really interesting, thanks. When the kids re level they are v open to talking about stuff like this so I'll give it a go!

Unfortunately, I have an ND child who never started talking (although I hold out help she will one day), so forgive me if I struggle to sympathise with parents complaining their children talk to them too much; I've never even got a "Mummy" out of mine.

The ND chatterboxes I've taught have been my favourites- I love their curiosity and desire to understand the world. It's sad when parents view explaining things to their children as a negative part of parenting.

Perhaps this isn't the thread for you?

In sorry to hear about your child. That must be really hard

But your experience of teaching a chatterbox ND child is absolutely nothing like my experience of parenting one.

I'm not interested in playing top trumps of difficulty here. I'm struggling enough so if you have nothing to add perhaps go elsewhere. Thanks.

I'm not interested in playing top trumps of difficulty here.

I'm also not interested in playing top trumps of difficulty- I only mentioned my situation because I thought @Confuuzed's comment was unnecessarily unpleasant.

But you're right, it's probably not the thread for me. I'm genuinely sorry you're struggling, but i do believe that counselling or parenting courses could benefit you- they are perfectly reasonable suggestions. You are obviously free to disagree that you would find them beneficial, but suggesting them isn't the insult you think it is.

I thought your comments were unnecessary unpleasant to be honest. Best agree to disagree.

It can still be too much, even for NT children. Parties can be very intense experiences. I think the clue that it was too much for them was they both came home crying over a party bag.

I'd take a few toys out of the bedrooms. Leave less there that's stimulating. Fidget toys are great. Perhaps create an alternative 'nest' in the bedroom in the form of a little tent or large dog bed with a blanket. They might be able to curl up away from the bed if they woke early.

Blackout curtains or blinds keep the early light to a minimum. I assume you have a white noise machine. A bottle of water and plain crackers can help tide a child over til breakfast.

Every word of this.

@RainbowAndArrow
What is the daily schedule at nursery? How many transitions are there during the day and how are they managed? Is there a naptime and how is it managed? Are there specific behaviors expected at snack time and lunch time, and how are these behaviors encouraged, or are they dictated?

That's the only time to talk to them about it - you've probably already realised this, but the work you do while they're regulated and calm WILL eventually help to reduce the intensity and the amount of times they melt down. But you can't teach emotional regulation when they're in meltdown - that's when you have to ride it out. Talk to them about it after. Ask them how they felt, could they have done anything differently, how do they think things might have turned out if they had done something differently?

I have found it incredibly useful to model emotional regulation myself as well - for eg "I'm finding it very overwhelming due to the amount of noise in here. I'm going to step away for a minute, and daddy will be taking over". Then do that. Then when you return, say "i feel better now. Sometimes we all need to take a minute to calm down". Mine are a little older, but yours aren't too young to see you taking care of yourself and building on good habits.

You could be describing my ASD 7 year old. She was diagnosed with adhd too a couple of months ago and starts meds next week. I’m hoping that will help. Worth asking for an adhd diagnosis too??

I sincerely that hope your dd starts talking one day, and I'm sorry that your parenting journey doesn't look how you thought it would. Nor does mine. I don't think my comment was any worse than yours, to be honest - telling a mum who is literally at the end of her tether that she should basically be grateful and stop complaining is a pretty terrible thing to say. I've had it said to me and it's clear the person saying it has absolutely no idea about my life, even though they also had an autistic child. So yeah - I'm not going to apologise for calling that out.

Knowing that some people can't talk doesn't make it any easier when you're barely coping with life, and your child never stops. They're on the go 24/7, and you can't even have a pee in peace without them standing outside the door asking you about the meaning of life, after a full day of it. People have a limit. It doesn't make us bad mums. One of my dc doesn't attend school due to ebsa and cannot be left alone not even for 2 minutes. I'm autistic and i need quiet and downtime. I don't get that. I have to keep on going and going and going and yes, sometimes - it's bloody hard. It's absolutely ok for me and the op to say that.

Everyone has different challenges. Wouldn't it be very crass of someone to say to you that you should be grateful for your child not talking because then you don't have to deal with being overstimulated?

To be clear, that's not what I'm saying. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. But that's the equivalent of what you said to the op.

This is where I wonder about me because my head is just swimming now

It's all so inconsistent. We did a two week holiday going to four different places last winter, they were amazing. The whole holiday they were just totally cool with it
Home is so difficult and they love their activities so I'd be so sad to drop them but I am very aware that some days DD is in and out of the car.

Starting school should help a bit as we won't have a multi location drop off and pick up. That caused a meltdown this afternoon.

I've bought a new visual timetable thing

This morning DH forgot the routine and let them watch tv before they got dressed. To be honest tho there was resistance they actually got ready really quickly once we were upstairs, I made sure I was ready so I could just focus on them.

God I'm so so tired of thinking about it all.

I think holidays can be easier because the expectations of routine are off the table, for everyone.

DS3 has always struggled with short transitions and the afternoon school pickups when he was in nursery, were utter hell.

It's a precarious balance with DS3 having the right amount of information. He copes better when he doesn't know too much in advance at what's happening, as otherwise he says he's stuck thinking about it and it makes him feel annoyed that he can't stop the thoughts.
He gets ready very quickly, but not a moment before he needs to.

I offer no answers just solidarity 😅

Bedtime culminated in DD literally raining blows down on me as hard as she could, screaming into my ear and biting me .

I'm phoning SS tomorrow. I'll end up hurting them or me

I'm so sorry op. It fucking sucks. Was dh around? It's generally really useful that if that kind of situation is going on, switch the parent to give you breathing space and to change up the energy. I'm sure you already thought of that but it can be hard to remember to do in the moment.

If you tell us what county you're in maybe we can help you find resources or organisations that might be able to help you. We've got a few different charities working with my family at the moment. I'm in a virtual peer support group through one of these and sometimes it just helps to know that other people are going through it too and agree that what you're going through is rubbish. Also some limited help is available through the government without going through the full social services. For example in Kent where i am, we have Early Help which has a meeting with the family and they can refer/signpost/support to useful places. They can help to coordinate services as well. They're like one step down from social services. There might be something similar where you are. We also have family hubs that can do similar. But there's no issues calling social services - hopefully it'll trigger some helpful processes but you may need to push them as all the services are over stretched but you deserve help as much as the next person.

Is your dd on the waiting list to be assessed for autism i can't remember? If not have a look at Right to Choose and get her referred for an assessment for autism - waiting lists are still long and in my experience, nobody cares if your dc isn't diagnosed even though it shouldn't make a difference, so get that diagnosis early. Also that way it's on her GP records. Your GP might also be able to signpost or refer you for help as a family. If you haven't got the energy to call them see if you can do an econsult.

Also flag it up to the school early on - tell them she's suspected SEN, insist that she's put on the SEN register (her being referred for an assessment should be enough to get her on the register) and a SEN support plan created - the fact she's so anxious about it with 3 months still to go is a red flag that she's going to need more support than her peers and that's the criteria for getting her on the sen register (the sen code of practice is worthwhile having a read of if you ever have sufficient energy).

Hang on in there op. It can get better than this.

But she made it really clear what the issue is at dinner time? She is very stressed and anxious, and feels worried about starting school. It doesn't sound as if this was taken up as an opportunity to really get alongside her and dial down everything. I do get it, but I think you yourself are in a fight flight state of mind, either describing it all as a battle or in desperation, which is so understandable, running away mentally. It's really not surprising that by bedtime she was in a total state like this, because it is also chronic; it isn't a one off where she returns to a baseline of feeling safe and happy in herself.

Thank you
We are in Kent too. I spoke to her key worker today and she's going to make a referral to early years for us

I did exactly that. We talked about school, we went through the booklet she has together, she drew a picture of the playground. Then she asked to go on the hot tub so we did that.

DH put her to bed which was the trigger, he went to brush her hair.

I'm sure I sound defensive but I am taking every opportunity to get alongside her. I finished last night with a bloody arm where she bit me that hard.

It's OK, you don't sound defensive. It's hard because they both sound like super bright children. And as such they'll be very aware of all the nuances of life, and as they are so little, perhaps become more anxious than lots of children as a result because they are very aware of a lot of things. And then, simply can't return to a calmer baseline because they are flooded with overwhelming feelings and anxiety so often. And then, you have the huge response to something seemingly small.

It may be that the overwhelm and resulting behaviour is partly in the context of neurodiversity, and that's one thing to look into for sure. But given your description of her, there are other things I'd try first, and also keep in mind a) it can actually take quite a long time to settle and b) unfortunately if the anxiety has been centred around school starting, that will be background noise for quite a while, contributing to a heightened response to all sorts of other things.

I actually wish that a light touch approach social service such as early help would take your concerns seriously, as a little support now might really help her approach life and school more calmly and positively, and help her make the most of that natural intelligence. There's a very good private group called the Therapeutic Consultants who do some lovely work with younger children and families, and could also help with the referrals and assessments if they think ND also at play. It probably wouldn't even take too many sessions with them and if you've any possibility of accessing that support I'd think that now, before she starts when her anxieties are at their highest, might be a good time to reach out. But I know it may not be financially or logistically possible.

I hope you get lots of hot tub time yourself over the summer!

It sounds like you're doing everything right. Your daughter may simply not be old enough or mature enough to properly process all this. If hairbrushing is a trigger, what was it about the hairbrushing? Does it hurt? Does she want to do it herself? Does she not like the brush?

Early help referred us to something called Together With Parents and they've been amazing - it's worth seeing if you can be referred to them. They come out and talk to you about techniques, strategies and further support. They run peer support groups and courses to help you understand autism and help you and your child. We didn't have to wait that long either.

Also play therapy if you can afford it. It's done wonders for mine but they are that little bit older.

Thanks both, so much.
It helps to know that I should trust my gut and know that what we are experiencing isnt experiences by every parent. Last night I felt very woe is me but I feel brighter today. Hopefully we can get some help and work through it
We had swimming after school. She was so teary and I told her she didn't have to go in. She went in and was still crying, I moved myself closer to the pool and she was much happier, she came out absolutely buzzing that she'd swum 10 meters
But then the teacher told me I should leave so she can settle quicker.

Trust your instincts, ignore the teacher, she needed you ❤

How's things been today op?

Hi
Yesterday was good, we had a meltdown from DD at bedtime which didn't last long but just highlights how inept and exhausted we are.

All four of us in the bathroom, kids having their teeth cleaned. DS dropped his electric toothbrush and broke it so we are taking turns.

DS is going first, DD is playing a tickle game with me.

They swap over. DD is irritated and moaning that DS will get more goes, we assure her he will get he same as her. But I also need it to last the two minutes of her teeth cleaning, so I tell him to go out the bathroom door and come in as a 'run up' to the game.

DD loses her shit. That's not fair. She didn't get to do that. I explain that DS cleaned his teeth nicely. She escalates into hitting me.

I take DS away and DD comes in and she's fine

DH had given her an extra go. I get it, I'm not angry, he couldn't face a bedtime of screaming.

I don't know how I could have managed that better. I'm just constantly an anxious mess.

Have you had any support form Homestart ? They might be able to help you.

its really hard, I’ve a now 22 yr old AuAdhd young person and i remember regularly telling him you only have 1 million words and you will run out by the time you are 20 !

Can school help with more transition days so that’s not such a worry ?

Hi everyone
I thought I'd come and update the thread.

We've had three weeks of no meltdowns tho I don't know why!

DS saw a clinical psychologist last week. He first words when out of DD's earshot were 'shes remarkable. I've not met many four year olds with that articulation. You must be exhausted though'

Even just that was so validating

DH and I have had a meeting with her about strategies we can implement and she has her first session at school without me tomorrow.