Cannot cope with our children anymore

[RainbowAndArrow]

6 and 4
6 year old has ASD. We suspect 4 year old does too.
They are like hurricanes. They don't stop talking. Everything needs explaining to the nth degree
But the bigger issues is the volatility of behaviour. Fine one minute then utterly unreasonable and not listening at all the next. 6 year old then has massive guilt, tears etc only to repeat it all at the next opportunity.
4 year old wouldn't stay in bed til 6 today (that's our rule). Screamed at me, hit me when I tried to put her back in her room.

I'm getting hit before 6am on a Saturday. I'm utterly exhausted.

It's savage isn't it?
Even playing a game, they are both so highly strung if you don't play it exactly how they want it goes to shit. So inevitably the game is 80% then giving instructions and arguing and 20% playing.

Yes I would. What's the harm?

Have the tv on and then set up a crafty thing once you have had some down time. Keep the tv on and let them dip in and out of it. I think all of you need some downtime by the sounds of it. Maybe bring in some sensory things....bouncing on peanut balls helped us....teampoline....swinging.....waterplay...."safe spaces" in the house for each child.

I have one child with ASD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and visual stress plus one with ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and visual stress. Now age 11 and 13.

I have been where you are and through much worse I am sorry to say. Speak to your GP, ask for more help from nursery senco and school senco...ask for referrals to family support. The squeaky wheel gets most oil.

The being hit is very hard, I know. Ask for a non violet resistance training for parents. Or listen to Sarah Fisher Connevtive Parenting podcasts/Yvonne Newbold at Newbold Hope on YouTube for advice in this area.

If the TV is on DS wont do anything else.
They do have a trampoline, mud kitchen, swings and monkey bars but they don't want to go out and when they do they end up arguing.

Sorry. Pity party today.

I think your expectations are too high for 4. She was probably hungry.

I don't let them have unlimited screen time but they do have about 3 hrs computer a day on weekends with about an hours tv. (Mine are 7 and 9) Gaming is essential for mine to regulate themselves. Nothing else works as well as that. I like gaming too, so i get it. The important thing is not to go "right, TV OFF! Go out and play now!". That's not going to work for them. Lots of prep for transitions, let them finish the level they're playing or the episode of the tv show theyre on. Visual Timers are incredibly useful so the child can see how long they have next. Be flexible about the timer - if they're not ready to stop yet, it's better just to add a minute than to get into a fight about it. Leave twice as much time as you think you need. Deescalate, don't lay down the law. Pick your battles.

Sometimes offering them a range of options can be overwhelming so offer two - would you like to do a puzzle or would you like to play outside? If they say something else, cool, do that. Also if they're winding each other up then separate them - we do lots of one-on-one time with ours if they are particularly dysregulated and fighting a lot. Trampolines are very good for getting energy out - can you make up a little game like count how many jumps they can do or something. The key is there's no point trying to force a pda child to go on trampoline because you think it's a good thing to do. He's got to want to do it. For eg a low demand way to do it if you thought he needs to get energy out, you could go jump on it, he's likely to want to join you. Or get his favorite Teddy and say Teddy wants to jump on the trampoline, can you help him?

I have to be honest it is bloody exhausting being the parent of a PDA child, but this is the price for a quieter life.

Monkey bars are also excellent for some autistic children because of proprioception. If he's dysregulated and you can get him on the monkey bars that can really help.

I honestly don't know anyone that would let their kids get up before 6am.

Lots of people "let" their kids get up before 6am, because they realise they don't really get a say in it! Most four year olds are not going to stay in bed for long once they're awake, and it's very common for children that age to wake before 6am. Go to bed earlier so that pre-6am doesn't seem so early.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but I had a year of getting up between 4:15am and 4:45am. I coped by going to bed at 9pm.

Magnesium has worked wonders for mine, 6 and 3. Calmed them down lots. Look into mighty magnesium, it’s expensive but I have seen a difference

Yes, this! My toddler went through a phase of waking at 5 to 5.30. We went with it. Now she’s back to 6.30-6.45. You just adjust and have early nights. A ND 4 year old is obviously going to be struggling if they’re left alone when they are ready to wake up for the day.

This is a great idea. I would probably just have let her get up, and got up with her, but if not, I’d have set her up with something to play with, and got her a snack and water to eat while I dozed.

this child doesn’t have PDA, this child is having unreasonable expectations put on them…

Re: sleep - our life was completely untenable until we started giving DC melatonin. Then, even though he still started the day at 4am, he was at least asleep by 8:30 pm and not waking up every hour. He was 3.5 when we started this and had never slept through before that.

He’s nearly 9 now, and sleeps uninterrupted for 7-8 hours, and sometimes we don’t even need melatonin anymore.

OP if you don’t know anyone who lets their child get up at 6, this tells me you desperately need an ND parenting ‘village’ so that you don’t feel so alone and helpless and abnormal.

It made ALL the difference to me to hear from other parents in similar situations - parents who were completely sane and highly intelligent and doing their absolute best in atypical circumstances.

Sending love your way. It's hard.

I really wish I hadn't put in the stuff about early waking. It isn't usually a problem at all
It's the fact when you ask her to do something you risk getting punched in the face.

Thank you to those who have been helpful but I'm going to step back from this thread for a bit. X

@RainbowAndArrow I get it. Sending you so much love. Sorry if I piled on with too many solutions. I know how exhausting that is.

One of the best bits of advice I have been given is “parent the child you have not the child you thought you would have”

we all go into parenting with expectations that’s normal and they rarely work out. With a neurodivergent child they pretty much never work out. If your child needs to be up early for the day then change things to make that work. If your child comes home from a day out completely overwhelmed (even if they seemingly enjoyed it) then change expectations - make days less chaotic or reduce demands when home.

its hard and I don’t think any of us ever get it right all of the time but we need to be realistic about the child we are parenting.

Personally in everything I find the sleep things hardest even 15 year on. I have never slept well myself which doesn’t help, ds is also pump fed so that wakes me too. I am running on empty most of the time because my sleep schedule doesn’t match his!

I am super lucky my mum has him once a week and my partner (not his dad) understands whatever we do on our one night together I need to be in bed by 10!

All 4 of my DC are autistic, DC3 is an absolute hurricane (also ADHD possibly PDA)
When he was about 4, I'd taken DC2 to a event at the local high school. The waiting area was packed and DC3 started acting very giddy and was running around in circles.
I bent down and gently whispered to stop and he punched me full force in the nose. I was like a cartoon character seeing stars. A very kind mum I knew said she'd make sure DC2 got in the event OK so I hurried off.

It is really hard, particularly when they lash out etc. We've learnt some strategies that work for DC3 along the way, but it's bern trial and error. He reacts badly to what he perceives as too much talking and he needs space to climb down.

It sounds like it's been a difficult time with hospital admissions etc and end of term at nursery may be a bit different too.

My autistic 13 year old didn’t sleep through the night until she was 7. And she was definitely getting up at 5am when she was 4. We just rolled with it.

They need down time, which I used to enforce and now dd is good at doing it herself. There is loads of evidence that autistic children/people use screens to help regulate. We’ve never really had screen limits.

@RainbowAndArrowI’m so sorry you feel
this way, parenting ND children is so hard. People with NT kids just don’t get the strain and pressure. The lack of sleep is a killer, and I feel so constantly verbally abused. We’ve just been away for two weeks and burnout just doesn’t cover it.

No answers but sending love 💐You are doing an amazing job I’m sure. Look for a local SEN parents group, I’m on a Facebook group and the
support from people who understand is incredible.

We went to my elderly dad's this afternoon
They wanted to show him a dance they'd made up and DH and I knew they'd need to do that first so they did that..there are toys upstairs but DS wont play without me. They managed to play for a bit but then DD ended up getting hurt
I'm clearing out my stuff from their loft and we were looking at it, both kids jostling for a better view of it and they spilled squash over it

On the way home they played a game of biting each other, it was a game but they basically shouted and screamed the whole way home (an hour)

DH forgot DD doesn't like courgette so dinner was a struggle

Coming upstairs I had to ask DS 6 times to go for a wee.

DD then wee'd on her floor

Bedtime story included a little boy who 'went to bed when he was asked' and I just broke down and cried.

DS then found a bogey and flicked it on the floor

And that was my day.

It’s very normal for a 4 year old to want to be up for the day the minute they wake up. I think your expectations are unrealistic, especially as she goes to bed pretty early. I think by getting up with her at this time, you would save yourself a lot of grief. My children wake up an hour later than your DD but also go to bed an hour later than her. Many people are getting up at 6am with their children, or even earlier - you wouldn’t be alone

I get it op. But people are saying that as the expectations are unrealistic, the child becomes anxious, angry and lashes out. The reason people are suggesting pda strategies is because it might be better to completely lower expectations and meet her where she is. Even if that means getting up at silly oclock, giving her a snack and dozing on the sofa while she plays or watches some TV. Nursery don't think she is a pda profile, but they will be meeting her where she is and so not receiving the same response.

I honestly don't know anyone that would let their kids get up before 6am.

This surprises me a lot!

I wouldn’t personally expect my 4yo to stay in his room until a certain time before he woke us up. Not saying you’re wrong btw, maybe my expectations are too low!

Exactly that. You have to meet your child where they are. It sucks for the parents.

Oh it can be OK. I actually love all the songs in the Bagpuss DVDs because if young master wanted awake at 5 that's what was going on the TV. Beautiful, gentle stories and songs 🎵

6 am in the summer is a reasonable time to get up especially if they were in bed by 7.30 pm!