Stop me before I do something I’ll regret - dd15s bitch friends

[Unconvinced8768]

DDs bunch of fucking bitch friends have met up without her AGAIN which is obviously fine, their choice, yada yada but do they really have to put it all over their fucking insta? And leave me with a heartbroken child? I am so tempted to post on the group WhatsApp I’m on with theses girls mums and say please ask your girls to be just a bit fucking kind and not rub my child’s face in it ps you’re all cunts
But something tells me that might not do her any favours.
Sigh. This is hard. She’s such a lovely girl and high school is destroying her.

There’s a really good book called Queen Bees and wanabees by R Wiseman about girl friendship dynamics, which I found it useful to read when my daughter was going through similar at school and then later at college. I wish schools would focus on stuff like this in PHSE lessons. Bullying by exclusion is just as corrosive to mental health as obvious physical bullying.

what helped my daughter was having other interests and a part time job in the end in which she developed other friendship groups. I feel for you and hope things improve for your DD.

I think meeting up and leaving one firm member of the group out or not making the invite open to the whole group could be unkind but it depends on the activity not everyone can always fit with everything. For examples if an activity relies on lifts given in a single car means only 3 friends can be invited unless the car has more capacity. Or most of the friend like bowling so would like to go and one friend says I hate bowling I want to go to the cinema, well that's not really the groups; problem. They can do the cinema together another time.

I do not however think posting about the outing is not unkind it's simply what kids do these days.

So being left outs is potentially unkind depending on how the get-together came about but posting on social media, unless they make references to your daughter, is not about you or your dd it's these girls silly enjoying themselves.

Op we all feel protective of our kids but you sound intense. if your dd gets left out repeatedly these girls are not her friends and it's time to move on and not waste time with them any longer.

I feel your pain, it’s heartbreaking. I will try to do something lovely with my dd when this happens. It doesn’t make it ok but takes her mind off it for a while and reminds her how much she is loved at home by her family.
I drove past the school last week as dd was walking to our meeting spot, her ‘friends’ were walking behind her mimicking the way she walks - i was so ready to jump out of the car and break their scrawny legs. But ultimately I guess our kids need to learn to navigate these situations on their own.
sending love to you and your dd xx

I don’t think posting about the outing is unkind it's just what kids do these days.

These girls likely won’t think twice about sharing everything on social media, which is a bit of a problem in itself.

It’s not just about the person who sees the photos and feels left out, constantly updating their lives minute by minute can make them vulnerable. They chase ‘likes’ and validation, which impacts their self-esteem.

If your daughter is feeling strong enough, she could have a little fun with it though. She might want to 'like' or 'heart' a one or 2 of the shared pictures and (definitely not the 'queen bee''s ones though, if there is one).

Then make sure to plan something fun for her today whether it’s taking her out yourself or arranging for her to meet up with a friend from outside the group, or maybe a cousin.. Have a great time, and she can share her own pictures to show she’s having a great time.

The key is for her to act like not being invited doesn’t faze her at all. She can keep it cool, confident, and totally unbothered showing that she’s doing just fine, with or without the invite.

At school, she should start seeking out some other girls to spend time with but be super nice to this group, just more detached and a bit above it all.

Why make a comment so unhelpful?

This is the reason I’ve never allowed social media for my daughter. She has a wild and free social life and we are a very relaxed family but that’s the one thing that I knew would cause her pain so I never let her have it. Even adults can’t manage their feelings around it.

Don’t react. It will do more harm than good. I’d suggest she comes off Insta and then gets some new friends.

My DD was ostracised by her friendship group after a falling out with the Queen bee (who had previously been her BF). DD had confided in her about SA she had suffered as a child. The ‘friend’ told everyone about it. In desperation, we ended up having to sell our home and relocate after DD began self-harming and refusing to go to school or leave the house.

Teen girls can be nasty little bitches. It would be worth talking to school to see if they can encourage your DD to form other friendships by putting her into different groups etc. If it’s any consolation these things do tend to pass. My DD is an adult now and actually still good friends with a few of the girls from her old group, and travels to see them regularly. (Not the ex-best friend though, she’s still a horrible nasty bastard).

Does she not have what's app? Snapchat?

Yip I find it hard as an adult to be on SM, even though I know it's snippets of someone life or edited etc etc. So how kids/teenagers can navigate through it god knows.

Yeah I'm dead against under 16s having SM. Hoping the laws change so kids can't have accounts at all. There will always be risk that they will get access somehow( like under age drinking). However surely as a society we should be minimising the risk to children's mental health.

Teenage girls bully by exclusion and bitching behind backs.

It's awful to be on the receiving end.

Teen girls can be nasty little bitches

I don't like girls being called bitches. And boys can be equally nasty.

Hope you and DD are OK today, OP.

Don't get too involved. Firstly it will likely all blow over soon anyway and secondly if you get too upset it will make your dd feel worse. My dd was left out and bullied constantly through secondary school. We made sure she feel loved and wanted at home, spent lots of time with family friends with teens, kept her busy and involved outside of school with other people. She made friends online too through a shared interest. She went to a college away from most of her classmates and it got better than she went to uni where she knew noone and she has found her place and people. She has a boyfriend, good group of friends and is very happy. I spent years secretly crying about why my daughter had to suffer so much. But all has turned out OK in the end. Just try not to worry - I know how hard it is!

Also remind her it isnt about her - they aren't excluding her because there is something wrong with her. Make sure her feeling of self worth is strong.

Not sure why so many don’t seem to understand how horrible it is seeing your child be deliberately left out by people she believes are her friends. The posting on socials is just rubbing salt in the wound and done for exactly that reason, to hurt her feelings.

Who organises these meetups? Is it always by the same person ? Are they actually a whole friendship group? Does she ever get invited to anything? Does she ever organise something herself? Is she friendly and sociable and enjoys being out/part of the group?

A friend was really upset over something that had been said.

I drew their face on an egg and he threw it at the garden fence.

It is surprisingly satisfying.

This has happened to my dd so many times. Of course because of snap chat she knows where they are and that she wasn’t invited. I managed to persuade her to leave the group and now she has made a different group of friends. Utter scummy rat bags. Sorry op

Suggest the book to the mums chat......

Hint, hint, bitchy mums.

Agreed. DS has three different sets of friends (primary, secondary, football club), some with overlapping members, so someone could easily think they’d been consciously omitted.

And if being the parent of a tween and later teen has taught me anything, it’s ’Don’t overreact to friendship stuff — one minute someone is the devil incarnate, the next minute they’re back amicably bickering about gaming as usual.k

Just wanted to say thanks for this post which I was going to say almost word for word myself. I know it doesn’t help OP’s plight (which I fully sympathise with) but it doesn’t help the sisterhood to perpetrate this trope about ‘girls being bitches’. Males do far worse in the great scheme of things. Yes, these girls are bullies. But let’s not extrapolate that out generally to all teenage girls - their lives, and the pressures they’re living with are far more complex than ever before, so their behaviours are going to reflect that.

Horrible for your DD.
They do know, I promise you, every photo they post is to ‘show’ where they are/what they’re doing and how they look, and they will absolutely know your DD will see.

Sadly, I know a few mums of teenagers who behave exactly like this. Some mums of daughters who feel their child isn’t being included the way they want will resort to gossip and blame other girls, often causing unnecessary drama. It’s really counterproductive. The best thing is to let your child navigate social situations themselves they’ll learn valuable skills like conflict resolution and self-assertion.

Sometimes, the girl who’s left out isn’t helping herself. Either she clings to the group, not picking up on the fact that these girls aren’t a good fit for her, or she doesn’t try at all to engage, even when she would be welcome. I’ve seen a situation where a girl wasn’t as “girly” as the others and acted superior, refusing to join in while simultaneously trying to dominate them. Her mum went around trashing the other girls, portraying her daughter as the victim of some mean clique. She famed this girls as being silly, frilly and ridiculous because they liked make up and more traditionally girly. It was all completely unfair and uncouth.

This type of gossip and negativity is really damaging. The mum in question stirred up tension and turned other families against these 12- and 13-year-olds. Ironically, her dd had left my daughter out of things several times, including sleepovers but of course that was never mentioned.

Yes, being left out can hurt, but the solution isn’t mummies gossiping and being nasty about their dd's peers. Either you try to fit in or you move on from that group. No need for so much drama. Parents shouldn’t be perpetuating these issues it doesn’t help anyone.

@Unconvinced8768 it's fine for your dd to take her time to find new friends but giving her a victim identity isn't going to help anyone. Shit happens, especially when they're teenagers. We know all about it as have seen this dynamic play out from different sides.

With respect the difference in friendships between teenage boys and girls is like chalk and cheese. My son and my niece are the same age, I also listen to my older son and his girlfriend talk, the nastiness of girls is next level, boys have such a different relaxed dynamic.

OP your daughter will be ok as she has you! It won't feel like it now and it will hurt but time and age will improve things.

My DD is the same, always on the edges of any friend group. End of term she suggested a meet up with her current bunch of bitches, who agreed to it. When she told them she couldn’t do afternoon as her dad was back from an overseas tour so she wanted to see him for the first time in months they went without her rather than rearrange the time.

Luckily she’s met good friends through work so hopefully some of them will stick. Hope your DD’s hobby friends are a better bunch. Solidarity with you

And yea, they then posted about it online. So thoughtless.