Stop me before I do something I’ll regret - dd15s bitch friends

[Unconvinced8768]

DDs bunch of fucking bitch friends have met up without her AGAIN which is obviously fine, their choice, yada yada but do they really have to put it all over their fucking insta? And leave me with a heartbroken child? I am so tempted to post on the group WhatsApp I’m on with theses girls mums and say please ask your girls to be just a bit fucking kind and not rub my child’s face in it ps you’re all cunts
But something tells me that might not do her any favours.
Sigh. This is hard. She’s such a lovely girl and high school is destroying her.

PP mentioned "The Anxious Generation" by Jonathan Haidt. Take a look at him being interviewed on YouTube about it. No point in confiscating the phone now but it definitely encourage her to limit her social media activity.

Surely you see what’s wrong with leaving out one friend from the group and her seeing it online? As a grown women that would upset me never mind a teenager.

I’ll take a look. I certainly agree with what you have said about it!

Ummmm
with respect, ‘finding new friends’ is really fucking hard. And meeting up without one member of the group is unkind. Posting about it after the event is also unkind.

any tips for what to say/not to say?

Talk about how the girls are growing up, their personalities are developing, their hormones are kicking in. It can cause some to act unkindly, some thoughtlessly. What matters is how she reacts to it and how she conducts herself.

Tell her you were chatting to your friend Bea whose DD went through similar at that age but who found her tribe at 16 and now she's 20 she makes friends wherever she goes because she refused to stop trying, kept being friendly and determined to have fun.

Is that what's happened here though? That's not what the op said.
My ds is 14 and is always out with different friends, not all friends get involved in every outing, is he supposed to make sure everyone is invited every time? How do you you even coordinate that.
Very different if they are being mean and saying things like 'you can't come' or 'look what we did without you.' But posting weekend activities on socials is a very typical thing for teens to do, they're not necessarily being malicious, just she wasnt involved in those plans.

Consider that they are not doing it to be unkind. They are doing it because kids these days post their social lives on social media. Its got nothing to do with your daughter really, she doesn't have the right to be invited.

The f'ed up bit is that she has to watch it, and feel excluded from the fun. Thats not something a 15 year old is emotionally equipped to deal with. You can't deal with it yourself!

Get her off social media. Find her other hobbies, other real life friends, books, art etc.

And its a bit not ok to refer to a bunch of 15 year old girls just hanging out as a bunch of bitches and cunts btw.

My DD went through the same thing, she’s 28 now and bloody gorgeous. She went off to Uni, stuck 2 fingers up to the bitches from high school and made some lovely friends. She quickly realised that these girls weren’t worth anything.

Focus on freinds outside school setting and keeping busy with family - days out or doing stuff together- and get her to look at going somewhere else post 16.

Been there with all my three - left out actively picked on/bullied - and finding it hard to make friends at all. Anything concrete you can try the school - but leaving her out horrid as that is for her - probably something you can't do much about - it's happen to my kids and well me as an adult it is upsetting but other than move on little to be done.

Things shift - DD2 was left out Y10 her close friend turn group against her and she had a horrid few weeks then moved on to new social group within school - it can happen I didn't think it likely for her but honestly worked out better - there are fewer issues and she got to do things with new group and their parents that she didn't with other.

Absolutely this.
It doesn't help right now at all. Senior school was rough for my DD.
She's 21 now at Uni though living at home, has a few friends from school but now work and Uni too, plus a lovely boyfriend.
I know exactly how you're feeling, and the strength of those feelings. It does make your heart hurt.

@BeaSure THANK YOU xx

OP it's so awful.

Is there anything you can do like go to a fancy restaurant or something?

How many times have they left her out?

I thought I had made friend's at work and then the three people I felt closer too left me out.

The amusing thing is I know one far better than the other two, and she's completely self obsessed and listens to dive in with her own stories and not out of empathy... on repeat so I know it's petty but I comforted myself that there would be little proper conversation going on.

If this is her actual friend group id just de roll her and let her work from home.

On line stuff is far better anyway
She may jump grades and be happier

lots of people can be vile.
I hate when the whole 'girls are bitches' is rolled out

I do get that. Actually the boys at her school can be as bad, in different ways. Maybe teens just really struggle, is a fairer way of putting it (now that I am calmer!!)

Sorry to hear you felt left out by your colleagues. This actually happened to me but the opposite scenario. Myself and two other close friends/colleagues met up for brunch at the weekend, as we do so every few months. Another colleague who we didn't feel so close with got really upset we hadn't invited her and messaged us to tell us so. To be honest, it hadn't even crossed our minds to invite her, we're polite in the office and chat over lunch etc but she's not a close friend. I felt sorry that she felt that way but it would have been odd to invite her and completely changed the dynamic.

I echo other people, you have no clue if they deliberately excluded her or it just happened.

Even if they deliberately did it, it could be a for a non mean reason like they think your DD doesn't like doing X or she's at Y today. They might be wrong with the assumption but it can still not be malicious.

The post on socials, that's just what teens do I wouldn't read masses into it.

I would start working on her self confidence and resilience, get out it into her head that most of the time people aren't thinking about her and are usually worrying about themselves.

Get her comfortable with being liked but that also means she might not be invited to everything and that not a reflection of her worth but is usually for a multitude of reasons.

@Sickoffamilydrama its not the first time by a long stretch (sorry to drip feed) so its more that I’m just fed up of it, there’s only so many times you can say ‘I’m sure they didn’t mean to’
And as for making new friends - hard to have the confidence to do so when you feel rejected all the time.

I’ve been in this situation with my teenage DD many times, it’s horrible. Trying to rationalise with her in the moment can be quite hard. I probably over compensate by doing as many nice things as possible with her and tbh we have a great time. I think she’s quite wary of ‘best friends’ now and instead focuses on having a lot of more casual friends rather than a small close friendship group where this kind of scenario is more amplified and hurtful. She also doesn’t wait around for people to arrange stuff and invite her, if she wants to do something she instigates it and puts out an open invitation which is empowering. Might be helpful for your daughter too?

I was your daughter and it was awful. The best ever they used to ask me to drive them to parties and never ask me to go and I was so desperate for the approval I did. My heart goes out to your daughter, I truly understand what she is going through but if you approach their parents it could make matters worse for your daughter. If it is any consolation the wheel
always turns.

Just a thought is there anything your daughter could join? Has she siblings / cousins she could go to cinema with? Could you organise a mother/daughter day?

best wishes

@Wayk my heart breaks for your teenage self. I bet she’s fucking fabulous now, I wish she knew that then xxxx

@TartanMammy I'd never have messaged my leaver outters. One of them stopped themselves once about inviting me I think it's the self obsessed one who stopped it. .
It does amuse me in the office watching one dancing around the other behind careful with whatever they say because once she catches your eye... the flood gates open.

Anyway op I heard of a younger girl being bullied and she's out or school doing it herself and doing extremely well

I would reassure her that she isn’t the only one going through it and teenage girl friendships are tricky. However she does have a choice how she reacts to it. Her tribe are out there, it’s just going to take a bit longer to find them. Encourage her to keep talking to you and stick some pins in some voodoo dolls of their parents or something on the quiet!

Just to give you a success story. My DD asked me randomly a few days ago if she could go to ‘Mary’s’ house, I’d heard Mary mentioned in passing as someone she sits with in some classes and likes but Mary isn’t part of her main friendship group and I think has had a rough time with other people she thought were her friends from DD’s witterings. But Mary had clearly taken a bit of a step and asked my DD and two of her friends round and they all said yes and have had the best time apparently and DD is now talking about meeting up again. It must have taken Mary quite a bit of courage to do that. (DD had a rough time at the end of last year with some girls turning and has gradually sorted herself into a new group who she are much more inclusive.)

Clearly there is a back story, hence the 'AGAIN' in the OP's post.

Totally agree. Many of the posters here seem tone deaf to the situation!

It’s so tough isn’t it.

All you can really do is empathise with her feelings and tell her that she can only control what she does and not what others do. So she can take from this a lesson in how not to behave.

But I’d also talk about peer pressure and how many of those girls are not actually bitches but are insecure and trying to fit in. And that if they are lucky and work at self growth then one day they might grow out of that.

It’s a life lesson. Remind her that she is a good person. And focus on her other friends