How on earth do I end these bedtime antics with toddler?

[tallache1]

Me and DP are at our absolute wits end with the whole bedtime circus we have to go through every night 😭. I stopped breastfeeding our 2.5 year old a few weeks ago because I couldn’t cope with the constant latching and unlatching before she fell asleep. But her behaviour is shocking now 😭

We start winding down around 7.30, give her a bath, read a book, maybe watch something non stimulating like the Gruffalo. For the next 2.5 hours she will get up, get out the bedroom and go downstairs. Run around. Say she’s hungry. Say she’s thirsty. Says she needs a wee. Asks for 4728284 different books. Until one of us cracks and takes her out in the car which is the only way to get her to sleep. WTF is going on? How do people have children that get into bed and go to sleep? When she’s getting up and creating we literally turn all the lights off and pretend to be asleep but can just hear her wreaking havoc downstairs.

Advice needed please 😭 me and DP are desperate for an evening to ourselves.

My 2.5yo toddler can be a nightmare at bedtime too. I was finally able to stop breastfeeding at around 20months but she really needed it to calm herself down. I'd say I end up needing to sit next to the cot and shush and stroke her back to help settle her to sleep about twice a week now.
She gets absolutely wired around bedtime and sometimes refuses to get in the cot, wants 500 books, then screams she wants a plaster ... everything under the sun.
Agree with a bit of rough and tumble after bath before books and maybe let her choose a soft toy to take to bed, tuck it in etc and tell her to be quiet. Maybe lie next to her bed till she falls asleep.

Not helpful that nursery let them sleep! At least you know she can fall asleep without boob.

Would it help having someone else, dad, grandparent, babysitter to put her down for a couple of nights? My lo wont play up to dad or our nanny, just me

Good luck

This is the only thing that worked for us. Super nanny. Make it boring, it’s bedtime, no eye contact, repeat, repeat, repeat

I had a good sleeper followed by one like this. We were so smug with DC1.

The best thing I found for this age was the vanishing chair. You sit beside the cot, if necessary holding her firmly in bed patting her gently. Ssh it's time to sleep, no other words.
Gradually reduce this to just sitting by the cot. Then move an inch further etc. etc.

We insisted on naps till 3 (for this one) but nursery were helpful with waking her after she had enough sleep (e.g. wake her after an hour/half an hour) even if she was deeply sleeping, at the point when bedtime was too late.

Just be boring keep putting her back calmly and quietly. Do not engage with the nonsense.

We allow 15 minutes of charging about before teeth and story time, it does help.
Re reading stories, would you consider a Yoto player or similar? This will read the stories for you! My DS falls asleep to his every night. That said it may not work if it is your attention she is after but it’s worth a shot - and may buy you some non-screen downtime at least.

Lie down with her until she's asleep. She will have you for comfort after her story.

Starting bedtime routine at 6pm approx sounds much more suitable for her age. You're putting her to bed too late.

Have a chart with pictures and tick things off each evening:

Bath (picture of bath)
Three books in bed in subdued lighting (picture of three books) - get her to choose and lay them out before her bath
Two songs in bed (p[icture of two people singing) - in subdued lighting
Lights out

Let her tick things off as they are done.

Show her the chart and tell her that now she is a big girl, this is what will happen at bedtime from now on. Do not take her out in the car! - do not have car on the chart! Do not mention the car! Step away from the car!!!

Do NOT give in to requests for more books/songs - take her back to the chart and show it has been ticked off for that day. Ask her to think about what books she might choose tomorrow.

Honestly the only way is to be consistent - these are the rules; this is what we do and absolutely nothing else is allowed.

If she gets up, take her back to bed and explain it all again; if she gets up again, take her back, explain etc. ...... ad nauseam. She will be hopeless for the first few days and you will be up and down like a yo-yo but once she knows you really mean it then it will begin to sink in. Every time you give in you are prolonging the agony.

If she wants a wee take her to the loo, then back to bed straight away. And do it however many times she needs but always straight back to bed.

Children need rules. They are superficially attracted to the idea of having control over you and manipulating you but in reality it terrifies them. If they can make you do what they want then who is going to protect them from the things that scare them? They know you have no power.

Calm and firm and consistent.

Agree!

It’s almost certainly the nap, I’d say. Will her nursery agree to keep her awake?

I forgot to say in my comment yesterday that singing to my son while lying down with him often works. It takes him a while to get to sleep and he still sometimes sits up and tries to chat (I shh him and don’t engage) but he doesn’t charge around the room and listens quietly. I think falling asleep is a skill and it feels quite unnatural to a toddler to just lie down quietly and wait for it to happen - ie they are bored.

Thank you again for the extra replies, they are really useful! I’ve shown DP and we have a game plan in place of repeatedly putting her back to bed and not engaging in her nonsense as before we were indulging her and she was running absolute rings round us! I’ve also messaged nursery and said as they not allowed to wake her then can they drop her nap as it’s impacting her sleep at home. Nursery manager has said they won’t encourage her to nap and try distract her but if she says she wants one then they have to let her. So we will see how she gets on. But I feel a bit more hopeful about it all ☺️

The problem with no nap at nursery is that she will be knackered and fall asleep in the car on the way home .... an even later nap!! ..... and more bedtime problems!!

Definitely drop the nap and start bedtime earlier. If my 2.5 year old has even 45 mins at nursery, he’s awake until 9.30/10. Without a nap, I take him upstairs at 6.30, in bed for 7.15 and he’s asleep within minutes. Always awake by 5.45 though.

My 2 year old is like this but i start our dinner, bath bed really early so in bed by 6.30/7, sometimes books but mostly an episode of a tv show, mr bean is weirdly the in thing now. 2 hours is generally normal so i try and wear her out by about 3.30/4ish in the afternoon so lots of walking and running.

Ugh sounds exactly like my DS was at that age - including the headbanging and getting to sleep after 10.30pm... I remember crying out of frustration many nights...

He also used to demand endless books - we realised they were actually keeping him up as he was too interested. We limited the books to 2 or 3 a night (he did meltdown/headbang at first but gradually came to accept it). AND we use the books as a bargaining tool. I know it sounds harsh, but if he wasn't playing ball we'd say 'ok, im going to count to 10 and if you don't do XYZ then no books'. It still works.

Your bedtime regime is too long. You know that.

Start a new routine, and stick to it like painful clockwork. The first three days will be the worst. It is helpful to introduce a new toy or clock to help signal the new regime.

Day -1: tomorrow you will be 2-and-a-half (or three quarters. Or whatever. Your kid is unlikely to know complex fractions so you can make anything up.) You will be grown up enough for a different bedtime and there is a special present.
Day 0: today you are (whatever age). It’s not a birthday but you’ll be getting bedtime bunny / bedtime car / bedtime iguana later

at bedtime: introduce bedtime bunny for big children. Now you are big, you will have a bath and two books and then you will put bunny to bed and wake them up in the morning. Do the routine. Finish with ‘it’s sleepy time for bunny and dc’. Every time your child leaves the room, lead them back and just say “it’s sleepy time”. You need to be as boring as possible. This is literally the only thing you say, even if you do it 60 times. If you have to change a nappy do it quickly and don’t make conversation, just sleepy time.

Next day: the same. And the next, and the next. The returns will be less frequent.

This is what I did with my terror toddlers. All cracked fairly soon. One had a toy which was too exciting. But we got there.