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Original poster

DD shared bed with friends mum

74 replies

Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 16:15

Not sure how I feel about this so tell me I’m BU if I am. My DD aged 6 recently slept over at her friends house and she told me they both slept in friend’s mum’s bed (with the mum in it). It just seems a bit off to me and there’s no way I’d think it was appropriate to share a bed with her bf if she slept at ours. I’m just going to say no more sleepovers for a while as she is still quite young I think.

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 28/05/2025 16:17

I don’t think think there is anything super wrong with it if everyone is comfortable with it - but I wouldn’t want that for my kid, it should have been discussed before and also 6 is very young for sleepovers unless it’s effectively trusted childcare.

Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 16:20

Yeah I realise it’s a bit young and I won’t do it for a while. I just was surprised she would do that. Not that I think it’s anything untoward but it’s just a boundary thing and as I said I’d not think it was okay for her daughter to sleep in my bed. I am not sure why this arrangement was decided on as my DD’s friend has her own room and bunk beds.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 28/05/2025 16:21

No it’s not appropriate, but it depends on what happened. Did she say, sorry girls, you have to both sleep with me tonight and they all climbed in to bed?

Or did the girls wake up scared and crying at 3am and refuse to go back into their own room and after an hour, she said, okay, just lie down with me, you’ll be fine til the morning because she didn’t want to call you to come collect her at 3am?

Or did they wake up at 5:30am and she let them come sit on her bed for an hour and watch tv before they all got up?

The first is not okay, but I think under the right circumstances, the latter two probably are alright assuming all else is fine (like she’s not pissed off her face and she was fully clothed).

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YouWillFindMeInTheGarden · 28/05/2025 16:21

6!! Way too young!

yabu for that alone!

ShesTheAlbatross · 28/05/2025 16:24

What was the situation? Was that always what was going to happen, or was there a reason eg the girls woke up very early due to the novelty so the mum maybe had a tv in her bedroom and at 5am said right, let’s lie in here, I’ll put Netflix on and we’ll all/I’ll doze off.

I realise I’m totally making up a scenario, I just mean it as an example and I’d probably want to know what the situation was. I could understand putting two non-sleeping children in my bed in the middle of the night/early in the morning, but wouldn’t plan a sleepover that way.

Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 16:26

mindutopia · 28/05/2025 16:21

No it’s not appropriate, but it depends on what happened. Did she say, sorry girls, you have to both sleep with me tonight and they all climbed in to bed?

Or did the girls wake up scared and crying at 3am and refuse to go back into their own room and after an hour, she said, okay, just lie down with me, you’ll be fine til the morning because she didn’t want to call you to come collect her at 3am?

Or did they wake up at 5:30am and she let them come sit on her bed for an hour and watch tv before they all got up?

The first is not okay, but I think under the right circumstances, the latter two probably are alright assuming all else is fine (like she’s not pissed off her face and she was fully clothed).

The first I think. My DD wasn’t traumatised by it or anything. She just said that they thought it would be fun. But if I was the mum I’d have firmly said no you sleep in your own beds. Not oh hop in and we will all sleep in here. Pretty sure no drinking and she doesn’t have a partner so no strange men (which made me more inclined to think it was okay in the first place). Her DD is an only child and she maybe babies her a bit but otherwise seems like a nice person and we do quite a bit of childcare for each other. It’s just made me see her differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 16:28

YouWillFindMeInTheGarden · 28/05/2025 16:21

6!! Way too young!

yabu for that alone!

She is 7 next month but yes you’re right and it won’t happen again. She did have a lovely time but something just felt off with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 16:31

ShesTheAlbatross · 28/05/2025 16:24

What was the situation? Was that always what was going to happen, or was there a reason eg the girls woke up very early due to the novelty so the mum maybe had a tv in her bedroom and at 5am said right, let’s lie in here, I’ll put Netflix on and we’ll all/I’ll doze off.

I realise I’m totally making up a scenario, I just mean it as an example and I’d probably want to know what the situation was. I could understand putting two non-sleeping children in my bed in the middle of the night/early in the morning, but wouldn’t plan a sleepover that way.

Yeah I’d not be too fussed about the early morning Netflix thing but I get the impression it was planned and it was all night and not because either girl was upset. Anyway I won’t repeat it and I am not going to say anything to the mum either as I don’t want to embarrass her. I would just never think it was okay.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 16:31

I think there's a bit of excess concern about sleep overs these days. I think my first was around age 6.
However, In OP's scenario I'd def be asking what the situation was.
Hi, Molly. My Sarah told me you all slept together last night. Was there a situation?
I'd be basing my decision about a subsequent sleep over on the explanation and ensuring my dc was ok.

Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 16:48

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 16:31

I think there's a bit of excess concern about sleep overs these days. I think my first was around age 6.
However, In OP's scenario I'd def be asking what the situation was.
Hi, Molly. My Sarah told me you all slept together last night. Was there a situation?
I'd be basing my decision about a subsequent sleep over on the explanation and ensuring my dc was ok.

Yeah, pretty sure I did them fairly young too. And my DD is not the type to be clingy or miss home. She has slept at her cousin's many times and she did have a good time at this one. All would have been totally fine if they'd had normal sleeping arrangements. Maybe I will text on the pretext of being concerned that my DD had been upset and unable to sleep. But I'm pretty sure I don't want her sleeping there again so I'm not sure it's worth it.
I'm just thinking back to the sleepovers I had as a child and never ever did I get into my friends' parents' bed - that would have been so weird to me.

OP posts:
Greenfinch7 · 28/05/2025 16:57

Seems completely fine to me.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/05/2025 17:03

Even if it's not done with any bad intentions it's a really odd and inappropriate thing to do. I'd have been very uncomfortable getting into a strange adults bed as a child and I think that's a protective instinct. It would make me question what other boundaries this family lacks even if they mean no harm.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/05/2025 17:13

as if 6 of too young for sleep overs if you know and trust them

Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 17:14

Yeah definitely has made me see her in a new light. It’s just her and her DD, so I assumed an all female house would be as safe as it gets. But it’s the boundary thing. I totally think that she had good intentions but it just troubles me that she doesn’t see it as odd to do this. I mean if a dad pulled something like this everyone would be up in arms but it’s not just the risk of abuse, (which I’m not worried about here) it’s the boundaries. And if it had been them waking scared at 3 and her tucking them into her bed to comfort them and then telling me about it I would have been fine. She didn’t tell me either - my DD did when she was dropping her off and she just stood there and didn’t react. My DD was like “we had pizza for dinner and then we slept in Suzy’s mummy’s bed”. Initially I thought Suzy’s mum had slept in Suzy’s room but my DD said that she also slept in the bed with them.

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/05/2025 17:28

I dunno if I'd make a big deal out of it tbh

DD sleeps in my bed and when I went into hospital, she was looked after by a neighbour, she slept in the same bed as the woman who took care of her (I'd known her for years, and she doesn't have a husband which was why I was comfortable)

Women aren't men tbh, I would feel far more uncomfortable if she were a man or had a man in her house

IButtleSir · 28/05/2025 17:31

When I had a friend sleeping over when we were both about 5, she woke up in the middle of the night feeling homesick, so my mum kicked my dad out of their bed and brought my friend and I into bed with her (with me in the middle). She told my friend's mum in the morning, and said she thought it was preferable to a middle-of-the-night phone call; friend's mum agreed.

I think the fact that the mum didn't tell you about this, meaning you don't know whether or not it was pre-planned, is the issue here. I wouldn't be happy about that.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 20:32

Could it be, then @Randomuser9812 , a situation of the friend asking her mum if they could sleep in mum's room? I think a prev poster asked similar? TV? Was it just girls' (incl mum) watching movies, chatting? Innocent?

Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 20:39

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 20:32

Could it be, then @Randomuser9812 , a situation of the friend asking her mum if they could sleep in mum's room? I think a prev poster asked similar? TV? Was it just girls' (incl mum) watching movies, chatting? Innocent?

Probably yes but I’d expect the mum to say no. If my DD had her friend stay the night I wouldn’t agree to them both sleeping in my bed. If they said they wanted to be in the same bed then I’d leave them in my bed and go sleep in my DD’s bed. I just find it a crossing of a boundary. However some of the comments here have made me think that maybe it’s not as bad as I initially thought. I’m not going to raise it with the mum but I will put a halt on sleepovers for now.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 20:52

All that matters is what you're comfortable with.

If it doesn't sit well with you, regardless of the reason or no reason, that's enough. We're all just trying to do our best for our kids. 😊

ConfusedAnxiousMum · 28/05/2025 21:17

Do you know if they are/were a co-sleeping family? I’m aware an acquaintance did this with two children she was hosting overnight after a sudden hospital admission for the parent. All four of them (Mum, child, both friends of child) slept in the same bed. They were a co-sleeping family so I don’t think thought anything of it.

I made a mental note never to allow a sleepover at their house! We don’t even allow visiting children to go into our bedroom (eg when playing hide and seek) so it seems very inappropriate to all sleep in the same bed.

GreenSkyes · 28/05/2025 21:20

I wouldn't be ok with it. It's completely inappropriate to have your child's friend in bed with you.
People seem to be ok about it as it was her friends mum, if it was her dad they shared the bed with,I bet the answer would be different.

AnotherName2025 · 28/05/2025 21:34

Greenfinch7 · 28/05/2025 16:57

Seems completely fine to me.

Me too, it wouldn't bother me at all if DD was happy & had a good time.

but I used to live sleeping with my Aunty or my Grandoatents & would have happily with close friends mums.

my parents didn't let us sleep in their bed, I think they slept better without random knees & elbows 🤣🤣

LimitedBrightSpots · 28/05/2025 21:41

If I were the mum and the kids were insisting on sleeping in my bed, I'd get them to sleep and then quietly exit and go and sleep in the empty child's bed.

Tallyrand · 28/05/2025 21:48

When my nephew (5) sleeps over, him my son (4) and I are all in the same bed whilst my wife goes in with my daughter (1).

It just seems easier to keep all the boys together and girls together.

That's family though, I don't think I'd be comfortable with it being friends.

Original poster
Randomuser9812 · 28/05/2025 21:52

Yes I think it’s very different if it’s family. Surely you wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as your sons male friends @Tallyrand
This isn’t akin to a family relationship. I get on well with the mum but wouldn’t say we’re friends. We don’t socialise. The girls have been friends since reception. They started having play dates about half way through year 1. This isn’t an auntie-like relationship which I know some people have with their parents friends.

OP posts: