DD shared bed with friends mum

[Randomuser9812]

Not sure how I feel about this so tell me I’m BU if I am. My DD aged 6 recently slept over at her friends house and she told me they both slept in friend’s mum’s bed (with the mum in it). It just seems a bit off to me and there’s no way I’d think it was appropriate to share a bed with her bf if she slept at ours. I’m just going to say no more sleepovers for a while as she is still quite young I think.

Yeah me too

I was going on sleepovers with friends from 5. I find it weird how horrified that makes some people.

I can understand sleeping with your own child in your bed, especially if she is a single parent - comfort, cuddles etc.
But why on earth would anyone want a random child in their bed? It makes no sense to me and I would feel really uncomfortable to be honest.

Don’t assume other parents will parent like you. Lesson learned

I'd be dubious about my 10yr old having a sleepover let alone 6. You're asking for trouble at that age. Once it looks like your lax with where your very young child is stopping over, that'll be very useful information for some creep somewhere.

Personally, because it's a mum and female I'd be less wary. But it's still inappropriate. It's giving out the message of "it's ok to sleep in a bed with an unrelated adult that you don't know well" the mother should have known this wasn't appropriate.

Would you be saying that if it was only the father at home ? It’s not only men who are sexual predators. I would not have been happy if it was my child.

Yes it’s that. I want my child to recognise boundaries and I would expect other parents to have similar ones to me. I am really re-evaluating things now and thinking about things that have happened before in a different light with this mum. I don’t think she has boundaries with her DD in terms of giving her privacy (we were out once and she went in the same toilet cubicle as her DD when there were others free) and I think there is too much babying (or more like the DD will often pretend to be a baby and the mum will indulge that - she’s 7 and it just feels weird). I am not going to discourage the friendship as the girl is lovely and they get on well. Just no sleepovers and firm reinforcement of boundaries and that my DD is older now so of course will use loo on her own (luckily she is really not into baby games and is more into copying her 9yo cousin). I think the other DD is being stifled though and I wonder what will happen when she gets older. She doesn’t see her dad at all.

Yeah god if it had been a dad I would have hit the roof. It’s just so inappropriate and unnecessary. There were enough beds. If they had been stranded somewhere and had to go to a Travelodge I would have been totally fine with the mum sharing with my DD because it would have been necessary. This really wasn’t - it was a choice the mum made.

You need to find out what happened. At 6 my dd always used to stumble into our bed in the middle of the night and stay there. Did something like that happen and your dd followed? I personally do think it’s a bit odd. Other mum should have spoken to you about this. Wouldn’t have an issue with my sister doing this but even my very best friend I’ve known my whole life - I’d think it weird.

No I am pretty sure they slept in with her the whole night and went to bed in her bed. I did ask her today why did you sleep in Suzy’s mummy’s bed and she said because they wanted to. She also first told me they slept in the mums bed when the mum was there dropping her off and she said nothing to correct it and didn’t explain it at all. If it was a case of getting into her bed because they were scared in the night (which my DD isn’t the type to do anyway) I’d have expected the mum to immediately explain that. She didn’t even seem to think it was odd or realise that I might think it odd. I didn’t say anything to her then because I was quite taken aback.

You’ve said the mum is a single mother and the daughter an only child. I expect they are very close it being just the two of them, and that at 6 the daughter is often in the bed with her mum so it a normalised situation in that household. I would try and ask your daughter how they slept, ie if her friend was in the middle or if the mum was top to toe or something. Mum in the middle between the two friends is for me much wierder and would be a red flag than them being in there with your daughters friend in the middle.

for what it’s worth, my kids have been having sleepovers since they were about 5 or 6 years old. Mostly with one set of their cousins we are very close to, but once or twice with a family in the village we know very well. Son is now 9 and loves sleepovers, there are 3 or 4 families we know and trust that he goes to. One family he has been to that we didn’t know so well. I had great fun at sleepovers as a child and wouldn’t want mine to miss out on that, but I don’t send them anywhere I’m not sure about and always ask leading questions about the stay once they are home to make as sure as I can that nothjng concerning was going on

I can imagine at that age if the child is used to going to sleep in the mum’s bed or being in and out of it during the night they didn’t think anything of it?

Sounds like one of those lessons in other families doing things differently? I can remember friends being astounded when I said our kids had never been into our bed in the night!

It’s easier when they’re bigger as they’re less likely to want comfort in the middle of the night (something I’d deal with with a cuddle, reassurance and tucking back in but other families would take them into the parents’ bed) and they have better communication and confidence?

Re the going to the toilet on her own. One of mine had a phase aged about 6 or 7 of being capable of going to the toilet on her own, but finding it hard to cope if the loo roll ran out, or the door lock was different in some way or the toilet wouldn’t flush. So she’d end up coming in with me (which was annoying!) or I’d hold the door for her then she’d wait outside whilst I went.

The thing is you don’t like it , whether it’s harmless and I’m sure it is , it’s still not what you want for your daughter so it’s not unreasonable . I wouldn’t want this either . My niece is 2 and sleeps in with me sometimes when she sleeps over but she is my sisters child and I’m like a second parent and my sister knows and my children did the same at hers when they were small. It depends on the relationship. I would say something subtly one day if you could, you sound really understanding but some other parents might not be and she’s not judged that correctly.

I spent most of my childhood in an all female house and I do think things just get normalised. It's still okay to feel it's not appropriate. My friends definitely saw my mum and older sisters in various states of undress, topless fake tanning, on the loo with door ajar while minding toddler etc.it is only in hindsight I realise it was probably very weird for those friends who grew up with dad's, brothers etc. I'm sure there's no harm meant but absolutely fine to set your own boundaries.

Half of my friendship group were sexually abused as children in their own homes. Now I know that isn’t going to happen to my children under my roof, but there is no way I can be certain it wouldn’t happen to them under someone else’s roof. And for that reason it is a firm no, if that makes me over protective then so be it.

One of my children was still getting out of bed at 6 and coming into mine. Not all the time but some nights. Maybe this child is like that and your child followed. If they were crying would’ve been harsh to leave them.

However, my child would not have been going on sleepovers at 6 with friends. Even with parents I knew well. I feel it’s too young.

What has been the end result? Has it had a negative effect on your daughter?

Well I don't let my six year old go to the toilet on his own when we're in a public toilet, he has been known to lock himself in!

I wouldn't be too concerned about this, 6 is very young, they may have been scared etc and the poor woman probably just needed some sleep and this was the easiest way. Agree that it would have been better for her to go and sleep somewhere else once they were asleep but maybe she just fell asleep too.

I wouldn’t be worried about this at all.

hypothetically - they could have asked to get in with the mum and then taken ages to fall asleep and she just fell asleep too.
This happened to me, kids similar age (cousins daughter though) the kids were meant to sleep in my DD bed, after an hour in there giggling and messing around it was late and they came in and said can we sleep in with you, by the time they settled, I fell asleep too. The girls had just got themselves over tired in DD room.

Firstly ignore the helicopter parents raising kids who are going to suffer from separation anxiety, etc… 6 is not too young for sleepovers. My daughter has been having them since she was about 4 (possibly even earlier, I can’t remember) she’s now 8 and has one with her best friends every couple of months, gone on Rainbow camps, stayed with her aunty, etc. She’d have them more frequently if diaries worked.

But I would have expected the mum to refuse to let them in her bed and tell them they had to stay in their own room, unless she’d cleared in advance. That’s the whole point of midnight feasts, etc. and you may have a policy of not allowing her into your bed, etc.

I really don’t see what the bid deal is, different families do things differently, you sound very judgmental of the woman’s relationship with her daughter. Just say next time if there is another sleep over that you don’t want your daughter bed sharing. No need to shame the women she has done nothing wrong.

Some people do things a bit differently when there's no blokes in the house. My sister was still occasionally getting in my mums bed when she was 11. It's quite possible that the mum Co-sleeps with her daughter. I would expect that her own daughter was in the middle as that would be the obvious thing to do. I wouldn't have personally done this, however, even though my 8 year old occasionally still gets in my bed (and also still wants me to go in public loos with her!).

I wouldn’t be too surprised if the other child co-sleeps with her mum, then mum says “yes little Jane can come for a sleepover if you stay in your own bed” kid agrees only to chicken out at the 11th hour and mum ends up with them both in her bed rather than sending your child home and upsetting them both. I don’t think it’s too weird personally if there are no men in the house and your DC hasn’t said anything else of concern.