When you're out with someone, how much phone use is OK?

[Squarepuffin]

Newish BF. We do spend a lot of time together and he has a lot of friends and interests who are important to him, which is good.

So, when we're together he is often replying to or sending messages. Some will be a checkin on someone he either speaks to regularly or hasn't heard from for a while, some will be banter in a group chat, some will be plans and arrangements for something he's going to or something he's trying to gather a group together to go to.

I love all this about him, he 's proactive in friendships and in making thins happen/finding things to do, but I do find it rude when e.g. we're sat in a restaurant and he's on his phone. He'd say he's with me so.much that if he didn't do it when he's with me he'd never do it, which does have an event of truth.

Do you two live together then?

Either way, even if you were joined at the hip, it's rude and disrespectful to use a dinner date at a restaurant as a chance to be catching up with your phone.

What do you mean ‘speak’?

Why did you even bother posting this thread, OP? As you argue with everybody who says he's spending too much time on his phone when he's woith you.

You've asked how much phone use people think is OK and commented that you find your boyfriend's level of phone use 'rude'. Many here are agreeing with you and now you have pivoted to defending him

None, when me and DP are out together phones stay in pockets / bags. I might have a quick nose while she's in the loo or at the bar, but if I'm out with her it's because I want to be in her company, not my phone's. I do the same if I'm out with a friend, and generally don't make much effort to keep friends who sit on their phones loads when we're out.

I'm not arguing, I'm putting an alternative view. His view, when I can partially see his point, but don't like it.

Exactly.

She says she finds it rude and then argues with everyone who actually agrees? 😁

I mean it's different, but weird all the same.

Presumably you are not with him 24/7? I would expect the other person not to use their phone when out with me. Similarly when out with their friends I would not expect them to message me.

So for instance, today he'll have been working all day then he'll go for a run, nip home for just enough time to shower and eat, and then he'll come here for the rest of the evening.

He'll have messages to return and maybe plans he wants to make. It annoys me if he does it on "my" time, but I can see his point that if he doesn't, when will he?

why can’t he do that before he comes over to spend time with you?

It annoys me if he does it on "my" time, but I can see his point that if he doesn't, when will he?

Before work
During his lunchbreak
Before his run
Before his shower
During his own dinner

Those are just a few of many possible options which would leave him just checking for the very occasional text when you're together.

Do you spend the same amount of time on your phone?

If not, what makes him so special?

While eating, or between eating and leaving the house to see you. He also presumably has a lunch break at work so there won't be that many messages built up.

And again, if he's this rude while your relationship is fairly new, what do you think he's going to be like when the 'new' wears off?

Ok, so that's a bit different than being out and about. What will you be doing with him? If you're just sat on the sofa watching TV with him, then why does it matter if he's on his phone for a bit. If you're playing a board game together or something, then it's a bit more annoying.

Because by the time he's home and fed it will be 9pm and he wants to come ASAP. He probably should just say he doesn't have time to come, would that be better? (Fwiw he comes because he wants to, not because I insist!).

He is someone who fills every moment of life. He will get in from his run and be out again in 20 mins.

I have a lot more free moments and less busy social life. I don't have as many messages to send/return, but the fact that he is someone who does throw himself into life and enjoys people is good.

If I was spending the entire day with someone I’d say looking at your phone three times to see if there was any important messages would be normal.

If you were going out for dinner, no times, unless you have children or there’s a situation like an ill parent or something.

I spent five hours with a friend today. I checked my phone when I arrived (drove an hour) mostly to see if she had messaged me though, then we met, had a long lunch and then looked around the shops. In that time I looked at my phone once.

It’s entirely up to you what is ok for you. There’s no rule and I imagine it’ll evolve over time. People interact in different ways and that’s ok.

There are plenty of opportunities to send messages or make plans throughout the day. But you seem determined to make excuses for him.
Nobody fills every moment of life!

When? He's up and out early, drives to work, then has a job where he can't have his phone with him. Then he drives home, changes and runs, showers and eats and out again.

If he send some messages at lunchtime, when does he deal with the responses?

If you really felt this way, you wouldn’t be complaining about his using his phone when out with you.

He's someone who's taking the piss out of you.

If you're happy with that then crack on.

If you're not, then you'll need to raise your bar and let him know your worth.

I know mine and there's no way I'd put up with this ignorant treatment.

And I've been in my relationship for 25 years.

When eating his evening meal, when preparing his food, before he leaves in the evening to see you…

I'm not sure what the etiquette for younger people but for me, a bit older, I keep my phone in my bag almost all of the time unless showing photos etc, as do most of my friends.

Usually on silent but certain people enabled so I can hear messages and calls for possibly important stuff.

Never have it on a table or in my hand or reply to mesaages unless one of the few.

It all depends on how much time you're spending together I guess, so if was just an evening then I would expect minimal, but couple of days fine to do as normal.

Strange to think back to the days of no smartphones lol 😆