Going on holiday - washing left behind?

[Blastandbollocks]

I'll start by saying that I know my expectations are not normal. I had a DM who I loved and I know loved me, but who was a little bit exacting - to say the least.

Holidays are a source of stress for me around cleaning and preparation. Previous family holidays were very much self sufficient - self catering and we took supplies with us; food, clothing for a fortnight, no shopping unless it was for one careful curated souvenir or a post card to send home. The house was cleaned to within an inch of its life, and no clothes left behind to be washed. I have memories of her (and my DF and me) being up at 5am to wash the bedding & PJs, and to tidy, or leaving the night before so we didn't make a mess.

So now, I struggle with "normal". My DH understands why I stress and tries to help, but gets frustrated because I'm putting so much pressure on myself. The issue is that I don't know what is standard to leave behind or what standard to pack, or okay to buy. I still have my DM behind me muttering about being judged if I died and there were PJ's left unclean, or if I forget something that I should just go without and be miserable. Before I could mask as my DS was little so it does tend to be a military operation, but now he's older and self sufficient, it's become really obvious that I'm out of the norm!

Help? What do you do to prepare to go on holidays, what is normal to leave? Calm my panicky brain!

I have had therapy for this! Not the holiday prep (although it was astonishingly similar!) But the bit where you said about being judged if I died and there were PJ's left unclean

It got so ingrained in me and almost took on a new life of meaning where I had to have an empty washing basket before I left for work every day to mitigate that exact scenario.

It's hard to break out of these behaviours that our parents (mothers?) were so fastidious about. What i learned though was that was my mothers thing and I could choose for it not to be my thing. And I do still get a 'buzz' from an empty laundry basket, but i don't obsessively make sure its empty before work. Or a journey. Or a birthday. Or Christmas day.

Isn’t the question. Less what is normal and more how do I stop getting in a tizzy over it all and feeling bad about not being good enough?

I mean if the sheets are changed a few days ahead of the holiday they are still clean when you get back and you know that but you are still panicking

My family tease me because I like to hoover the house and make sure the kitchen is absolutely clean before we leave. Washing is usually up to date since we always end up washing something we want to take with us at the last moment.

The reason I do it is because I like to come home to a clean and tidy house, rather than return feeling tired from the journey and despair at seeing chores needing to be done. Also it's easier to hoover when a certain amount of stuff is packed in bags.

I don't wash bedding or towels though. I'd never expect to take all possible shopping with me either, though it's fairly rare that we go to self catering holiday accommodation within the UK anyway. My mum took food when I was a kid as we went caravaning, but it had no fridge so that wasn't possible anyway.

Other than that, what you describe is OCD - my advice is to fight it, make only reasonable preparations.

The only thing I do before my holiday is make fresh beds, give the kitchen a clean and empty the bins and put bleach down the toliets Anything else can wait.

I always empty the bins and check there’s nothing in the fridge that’s going to cause issues. Make sure the laundry is done the day before if possible, because I know I’ll have a ton coming home with me - but whatever we wore the night before is in the basket. I do a bit of a clean if I have time, but nothing out of the ordinary.

I don’t worry about what anyone thinks though - everything I do is making sure that I don’t come back to a complete mess.

OP, your Mum obviously had issues. It is beyond rational to be up at 5am to wash sheets etc before leaving for holiday.

No one wants to come home to a tip and piles of chores, but changing your sheets a couple of days before you leave, leaving a waslosd of stuff in the basket and dime drying in the rack is normal.

Maybe make sure you have clean uniforms and work outfit ready for when you return.

Essentials are empty the kitchen bin, clear up pet bowls, don’t leave dirty washing up in the sink or sticky crumbs all over the counter, clear the fridge of anything that won’t last into the freezer or bin.

Give it a go! Free yourself! Look at half a basket of washing and say out loud “Sorry Mum! Here I go”

I remember as a child coming home after a six week holiday to a half pint of milk left out in a bottle on the counter. We'd never seen green milk before 😀

Key jobs:

• Kitchen & food waste out
• Food disposed of that will spoil while away
• Quick tidy up of the lounge (folding blankets, straighening up sofa cushion etc)
• Washing up done, wipe of surfaces in kitchen, fresh tea towels put out
• Open dishwasher door if no time to empty

Nice to do if time:

• Empty bedroom bins
• Change beds (usually I try to do this the day before we go away)
• Vacuum lounge, mop dining room and kitchen (might also do this the day before)
• Empty dishwasher

Not bothered about washing being left (we don't have anything really stinky like gym clothes) but I do try to get as much through and (ideally) put away in the run up, just so we have clean clothes when we get back.

You know your mother was completely irrational, right?

If you died on holiday - or at any other time - no one but no one, I guarantee it, would judge you because you had unwashed laundry in your laundry basket. They would be immensely sad and grieving and would wish you were still alive with every single washable item in your house dirty and stacked up in piles.

Your mother was quite poisonous to make that suggestion. You really do need to get past this and live like everyone else in this regard .

For me it’s not about being judged, but a defensive “looking after future me”. In other words making sure the house is one that I want to come back to, not one that presents me with a thousand jobs! So nothing left that will rot, beds that are a pleasure to get into (changed 2-3 days before leaving with time to have sheets washed and put away), tidy, vac’d and dusted within a week before leaving, clothes washed and put away only up to the night before.

I do the basics really like emptying the bins and fruit bowl. Making sure there’s nothing in the fridge that will go bad. If I have time I’ll try and get washing done purely because I know I’ll have loads when o get back but if there’s not time I won’t stress. If time I might hoover too so it’s nice to walk back in but to be honest I usually get everything done the day I get home. It’s always a bit musty and dusty anyway so no need to go crazy as won’t be that nice to walk back into anyway!

Do not be a martyr to housework.

Life is too short.

The end.

The thing is, you have distressing reasons that motivate you. I do the same, but my motivator isn't fear of criticism.

I would completely clean house the night before and day of travel, but I do it because coming home should be a joy. The travel home might have been hectic, arriving to a clean home is soooo wonderful. Also, there's all the holiday laundry to do (depending on where I am on holiday, I may even have done this before departing home!).

The minute my body leaves my house to go on holiday it forgets that I have an actual house! I don’t do any preparation with regards to my house at all! Washing left? So what? Bedding not changed? So what? Do I clean/tidy my house for me to go away? Haha no I don’t! My nanna was the same, spent her life worrying about things that don’t make one iota of difference when it becomes your turn to lay on the death bed of life!

why not try it? Go away on holiday and leave Al those things! Put them out of your mind and see what, on your return, really makes a difference!

So long as bins are emptied and perishables cleared out the fridge I don't sweat the small stuff.

Sure I'd like to change the beds but I'm not going to fret if I don't have time.

My parents were like that too - my first trip to France was aged 3 with my very baby brother and my mum panicked that we wouldn't be able to get potatoes over there so according to Dad packed so many tins of potatoes that the car was barely driveable

I prefer going on holiday from a clean house with minimal laundry. Just means less to do when I come back.

We usually go on a Saturday about 1 ish, so we put clean bedding on on the morning we go so it’s fresh to come back to - that gets washed and dried in the dryer, usually before we go but not always if there’s not time for everyone’s. Our house is usually relatively clean and tidy so it just gets a swish with a feather duster the day before we go as I know it’s always a bit dusty regardless when we get back. The bathroom is normally done properly but it doesn’t take long. Dishwasher on before we leave and bins emptied and that’s pretty much it. I do washing while we’re there so there’s only usually our pjs and undies and maybe the odd bits to come back to. This is for a 2 week UK holiday.

We also went abroad for a week in April and it was similar, though the bedding was changed the day before as we flew early hours. And of course, I brought lots of washing home from that but luckily the weather was great so it was done and dry in no time.

It’s nice to come back to clean bedding but like others say, maybe do it the day or two before so it’s not too much. Empty bins and no dirty pots is pretty much all you need to think of IMO. And to get rid of anything that might go off in the fridge or cupboard. Laundry is never ending so don’t worry about that. The only thing I do make sure is if we’ve used any facecloths or dish cloths that are wet, I hang them somewhere separately to dry so they don’t make the rest of the washing all foisty and mouldy.

We are utterly useless, everything is last minute and complete opposite of your family. We always run out of time to do everything we would ideally do. So we often come back to rotten milk and vegetables, and a sink full of dishes 🙈

Yes. See this as an appallingly negative mental habit you acquired from your parents, and work on getting rid of it asap, as you would nail biting or eating large amounts of junk food.

Housework is completely unimportant in the scheme of things.

Yes. This is me right down to the therapy which has partially worked, but I'm still a work in progress.

Being fair to my mum, she never said those exact words to me; it's my own amalgamation of all of those sort of phrases parroted by parents and grandparents which have taken on a life of their own. I suspect she had a lot of pressure from her parents who lived close by and checked the house every day when we were away so the obsessive cleaning was a response to that.

I do get everyone has different standards, but I think I need to see that the world won't stop turning for a pair of pants in the washing, or a speck of dust on the windowsill.

I don't like to come back from holiday and walk into a house that makes me want to roll up my sleeves and start cleaning because the benefits of a holiday are gone in a flash. I leave it tidy and change the beds a couple of days before we go so I can wash the bedding and have it back in the airing cupboard.

I refused to do self-catering for years because I thought i'd just be working on holiday but I had an epiphany several years ago and love them now. I do a couple of wash loads on holiday and come back with suitcases of clean clothes. It's no bother to shove it in the washing machine and hang it out in the sun on holiday.

You do! Keep working on it.

I’m the complete opposite and have no problem living with a bit of mess.

I can’t imagine checking the washing basket or changing bedding before going on holiday as there’s bound to be washing to do when I return, so it can all wait till then.

To be fair, we never had holidays when I was a child so I’ve no idea whether my mum would be obsessive about cleaning but she definitely liked a clean and tidy house, but never got one. My dad was a messy bugger too! 😂

OP, keep trying with the therapy. Hypnosis is very good for treating compulsive behaviours. Take care.

I do nothing apart from make sure the house is a normal amount of clean and tidy with no washing up in the sink and a clean bin bag in the bin. Nothing else needs doing! It's a holiday FGS, it's supposed to be fun. And when you get back you have to do some laundry - so what? It's hardly writing war and peace. If you die on holiday you won't care if someone comes into your house and sees your laundry basket is full. They won't care either. Literally nobody normal thinks like that.