When someone is an interrupter and extremely “highly strung”, what coping mechanisms?

[ThomasShelbysfagend]

It’s a colleague.

Constantly interrupting not just me but lots of others too. Will not allow you to end anything without jumping in, taking over and has something to say about everything…everything no matter the subject. I often feel very “railroaded “ by her so now stay quiet in meetings.

Is extremely details obsessed, so as an example, will ask which train I’m due to catch for a meeting, I’m never ever sure (I look the night before) so then goes to great pains, completely distracted, not listening to anything as she searches for the exact train I should be catching. Then gives me the exact train down to the minute. Does not acknowledge anything that I say about any subject while absorbed in this search. I could say fuck fuck fuckety fuck and she wouldn’t notice.
She does it about people invited to meetings, exact times of meetings and emails. So will look at contents.. then read each one out to the letter, the exact times of meetings the email was sent and by who…

She also cannot stop moving, fidgeting, tapping pens, picks up the pen, puts it down, picks it up all at great speed. Every movement is at speed.

Disagrees with just about everything, if I say the sky is blue, comes back with “well no, there are white clouds so that’s not correct”.

I started to say “it’s so lovely and sunny here today”, I got as far as “lovely and sunny” when she interrupted to give me a detailed description of the weather out of her window compared to the weather app. (TEAMs)

If anyone asks a question in the group chat, immediately she will be the one to reply with some kind of answer that may or may not be right or even in her field of expertise.

This last week I have found it utterly exhausting and I can’t wait for the weekend for a break.

She has not talked about any form of anxiety or Neurological condition, she is very confident, in fact extremely confident.

How would you deal with this?

And yes I’m an impatient bitch (I’m not, I never show how this bothers me) I just want some coping mechanisms that won’t offend or upset her because she really is trying to be helpful, friendly and to just connect with those around her I realise.
Thanks.

Write her an email, telling her exactly how you feel. Or even send her the link to this thread.

You need to not match her freneticness. When she interrupts, hold up your hand, and slow everything down. Leave a pause and say ‘As I was saying, Diane —‘ Don’t respond to whatever she’s interrupted with.

Or just say ‘Diane, do you mind not interrupting? It’s incredibly annoying.’

She may not have declared it (or even know it!) but many of the things you describe suggest neurodivergence. Interruptions, hyper focus, fidgeting.. I’d suggest a private chat. She’s probably aware of certain traits. If she is ND, subtle hints won’t work. Sensitive comments will. FFS don’t show her this thread! She’d be devastated.
Explain certain things are distracting and then gently point it out ‘Sandra, I need to focus, please stop’. ‘I’m just getting on with this’. Might help. Did with my difficult colleague. So did working from a different office!

ND possibly, rude definitely. She can fix rude.

Don’t react or respond to the rambling, pull her up on the interrupting.

She has not talked about any form of anxiety or Neurological condition

Well why would she?

She sounds bloody annoying and I used to work with someone similar.

When I really wanted to talk because it was important, I would say firmly and loudly, "Please don't cut me off again, I need to say this now".

And then I would continue talking loudly.

If I had to (and I was talking to them in person), I'd put the palm of my hand out and I was firmly speaking.

It seemed to work quite well although it was exhausting.

I feel a bit sorry for her. Maybe if you just said, please can I finish speaking, she might get the hint.

She has ADHD, possibly on the spectrum too given the specifics she adds in to conversation.

I have ADHD, but don’t divulge it to colleagues. I fidget in the way you explain. I’ve had to train myself not to jump into conversation as the comment in my brain sits there. I have to write it down though or I forget moments later what I was going to say. But then just writing it down (to avoid interrupting somebody) takes my attention away from what they are saying -similar to the way you describe her behaviour when searching for train times. I can have a conversation with someone and say yeh, and ahhh at all of the right times and I won’t have taken anything in because my brain is preoccupied with wanting to search the train times.

it’s annoying to live with, and I imagine very annoying for others to deal with.

I find it strange that ND children are supported and treated sympathetically as they can't help being a bit different but as soon as they grow up and enter the workplace, all empathy vanishes.

I found with my autistic colleague, I just had to leave them say their piece then once they finally stopped talking after generally not quite understanding the question being discussed, we pulled the conversation back to the original point and they kept quiet for a while.

Your description suggests ADHD and possible autism. You could suggest to HR that it might be helpful to book in some whole team training on neurodiversity awareness.

She sounds exactly like my housemate, who is otherwise lovely so I've just accepted her now. She says she's autistic (self diagnosed, but I think seems more adhd) and had a difficult childhood. Things that have helped me: if she says a random fact you know is not true, just agree while understanding you know better. Trying to be kind and complimentary while also having alone time in my room or going out. Routines and visual clues help, so she knows now if I'm on my computer (wfh) in the house she can't talk to me. Clear communication helps 'I'm just having a meeting then I can talk to you in an hour' headphones on and ignore if necessary. Stating things clearly but in a kind way 'do you mind if I use the clothes airer tonight'. Not bringing up topics she could debate or google if I'm not in the mood (but if am feeling generous might throw her a little weather debate just for fun). Sorry if this seems obvious, she did my head in at first but now it's poss the best living situation I've had, and she's very kind and thoughtful. I suspect some childhood traumas can affect people's brains in this way.

You sound kind and understanding while being able to maintain your boundaries, which can be a difficult balance. So nice to hear. I have a very similar profile to your housemate and due to a traumatic upbringing learned to 'mask' (hide the symptoms) from early on, in order to be accepted and not punished.

Years of the intense effort of masking led to burnout and isolating myself, only relying on my husband (also neurodivergent but more outgoing and better adjusted) for social connection. Now, since diagnosis and getting help I'm accepting my differences and have found a few friends, some neurodiverse, some not, who I like and who like me. It's nice to know there are people like you and my friends who are accepting of differences and look for the best in people, after a lifetime of feeling unwanted and defective and not knowing why. Faith in humanity well and truly restored.

Edited to add: I still have to mask at work, although sometimes I wonder how successful I am at it! Am definitely the 'weird coworker' but do my job well and am a team player so can get away with being 'eccentric'.

You sound really lovely and understanding. She is lucky to have you

That’s a good idea @CurrentHun.

Also, if her behavior is wearing you out and affecting your ability to do your job @ThomasShelbysfagend, you should ask for support for yourself from HR.

Yes, neurodiverse. Most workplaces that claim to be 'inclusive' have absolutely no idea how to support neorodivergent staff or those who work with them. They stick a jolly inclusive sticker over it and say, it's not our problem. I'm neurodivergent and have suffered greatly in workplaces. It undoubtedly is bullying but the blame lies with the system that lied and told me if I tried hard enough it would be fine.

We have one similar to this

Tough to nip in the bud as all meetings are online

Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD.

This screams ADHD and possibly autism. Just be aware she may not be as confident as she is coming across.

Have a quiet chat with her line manager.

Thanks.

We have all had ND training. So interesting and enlightening.
I recognise that she does have something and of course it is private and confidential.

The difficulty is that of course over a long period of time, it becomes very challenging to tolerate day in day out and as someone further up thread, even more so over TEAMs.

When we all meet F2F I do look to see how others deal with it because our team are a kind, supportive bunch who are just decent human beings so I know they will each have a very special method. I hope to steal some of their ideas. But no, they are interrupted so they just stop talking mid sentence and say nothing.

I tried continuing with my words while she interrupted me once to see if that would work but she just got louder while talking over me and continued seemingly without even noticing. (That was very early days)

line manager will know because she does this to everyone including them.

I'm wondering if your colleague is a) neurodivergent (possibly AuDHD) and b) younger?

I am AuDHD and I find most social interactions difficult at work. It's really difficult to know when to speak in online meetings and I have definitely interrupted people or spoken at the same time as them without meaning to. I cannot pick up as easily on cues in a group video call that someone is done speaking or has more to say, or that someone wants to speak next unless they use the "hand up" function. People's faces appear more 2D on video calls, and you can't see as much body language. It doesn't happen in person, it's 100% a struggle I have with phone and video calls, so it may be worth bearing in mind this could be more difficult if you do most of your work remotely. Being a senior manager, I cope by chairing a lot of meetings and asking people to use the hands up function or put questions in the chat a) so that everyone gets a fair chance to contribute and b) because otherwise I may unintentionally interrupt others because autistic and can't pick up on those cues online in a group. But I also have the luxury of being safe to be out at work and in management, so if anyone decides to say any ableist bullshit I can call them on it.

Group video calls can be harder for lots of people, not just ND folks. If you're quieter/shy, or new, it can be hard to learn the norms of a workplace when a lot of stuff happens online. Maybe suggest some ground rules to your manager for how online meetings are run? You don't have to single out anyone, but you could say you've noticed some people don't always get chance to speak or contribute as much and could we do something so everyone gets a fair chance. That might actually help everyone, not just your colleague.

The rambling - ugh, despite being ND myself, that would drive me nuts too. I absolutely have rambly colleagues who take ages to explain things and go off on tangents and who are differently ND flavoured than me. My workplace kryptonite is a highly verbal dyslexic ADHDer! If I get frustrated, and the rambling is harmless, I try to remember that we all have bad habits at work that probably annoy our colleagues, and that to a colleague who is wired for detailed verbal communication and highly sensitive, I very likely come across blunt and abrupt to them because I tend to be to the point and want things concise and clear.

If the rambling and distractions are derailing the focus of a meeting, I find it can help to say something that acknowledges good intention, but refocuses attention - like "it's very kind of you to look up the train timetable Susie, but right now we need to sort out X and we have limited time left in the meeting and other things to discuss. Can we bring the focus back to X so we can get everything sorted before we finish?"

Your colleague might as well be walking around wearing a sign saying she is AuDHD.

the obsession with detail, accuracy, and trouble knowing when to jump into the conversation. The constant fidgeting. It’s all ND.

The break points really aren’t obvious. We either jump in too soon or someone else starts speaking, even when we know the information we need to contribute is essential to the conversation.

im quite confident at my job. I’m damn good at it and people beg me to be on their projects. They will wait to start essential work if I am not available, even when I suggest alternate staff who are perfectly capable. They know I’m a bit odd and they don’t care because I am the best at what I do. Having ASD doesn’t make me meek or unqualified.

Thanks @RoseofRoses

I have also found since I changed how I ran my meetings workplace interactions in person are calmer too, because it's no longer the norm that meetings are a free for all where everyone has to either fight to be heard or fade into the background.

I have found that a predominantly Teams based workplace actually can give rise to bad manners in general, among both NDs and non-NDs alike. This is especially the case if people use asynchronous chat a lot to communicate, as we likely all do both in work and in person. You can "infodump" in a group chat and it's not rude, as everyone else is probably doing it. Teams chats aren't really conversations. It also doesn't matter if you type or post at the same time as someone else, whereas it does matter if you speak at the same time as someone else!

In some ways doing a lot of text based asynchronous communication works better for me as an autistic person, but I think it's also impacted my social skills (not as practised), my social motivation (lower) and social battery (runs out much quicker). I think our chronically online lives are likely impacting all of us, but I do see it having a more profound impact on those of us who struggled socially before, but had no choice but to engage. Now we do have the choice to text instead of call, or say good morning in the group Teams chat instead of getting a coffee with a few colleagues. And actually, I see most of us making that choice not to "do" human interaction when we don't have to - it's impossible for that not to then affect our interactions when we do need to.

Surely this is for your line manager to address? If she is dominating meetings and taking them off on tangents whilst everybody else sits there awkwardly then ND or not, it is not an effective use of anyone’s time.

She does need to learn strategies that stop (or minimise) her doing this.

I have a staff member on my team who is undiagnosed ND (but very evidently so). She has some methods of working that take longer than everyone else which we give her some leeway with because she is very good at her job but her line manager has had to pull her up and ask her to make certain changes around her report writing because the level of unnecessary detail was causing the important stuff to get lost. You can tell she struggles with summarising but she has to get on board with it.