When someone is an interrupter and extremely “highly strung”, what coping mechanisms?

[ThomasShelbysfagend]

It’s a colleague.

Constantly interrupting not just me but lots of others too. Will not allow you to end anything without jumping in, taking over and has something to say about everything…everything no matter the subject. I often feel very “railroaded “ by her so now stay quiet in meetings.

Is extremely details obsessed, so as an example, will ask which train I’m due to catch for a meeting, I’m never ever sure (I look the night before) so then goes to great pains, completely distracted, not listening to anything as she searches for the exact train I should be catching. Then gives me the exact train down to the minute. Does not acknowledge anything that I say about any subject while absorbed in this search. I could say fuck fuck fuckety fuck and she wouldn’t notice.
She does it about people invited to meetings, exact times of meetings and emails. So will look at contents.. then read each one out to the letter, the exact times of meetings the email was sent and by who…

She also cannot stop moving, fidgeting, tapping pens, picks up the pen, puts it down, picks it up all at great speed. Every movement is at speed.

Disagrees with just about everything, if I say the sky is blue, comes back with “well no, there are white clouds so that’s not correct”.

I started to say “it’s so lovely and sunny here today”, I got as far as “lovely and sunny” when she interrupted to give me a detailed description of the weather out of her window compared to the weather app. (TEAMs)

If anyone asks a question in the group chat, immediately she will be the one to reply with some kind of answer that may or may not be right or even in her field of expertise.

This last week I have found it utterly exhausting and I can’t wait for the weekend for a break.

She has not talked about any form of anxiety or Neurological condition, she is very confident, in fact extremely confident.

How would you deal with this?

And yes I’m an impatient bitch (I’m not, I never show how this bothers me) I just want some coping mechanisms that won’t offend or upset her because she really is trying to be helpful, friendly and to just connect with those around her I realise.
Thanks.

Oh and yes to a meeting chair, and yes to discussing meeting formats with her (after running past your/ her boss). She may offer some insight herself on how best to approach this.

She may even say 'i hate meetings. I'm a good analyst/ engineer whatever but I get so anxious in meetings and get totally bogged down in extraneous details about bloody bus journeys. Can we update written project document and have an informal chat to stay in touch instead?'

If she's fiddling, Ask her outright. Is everything ok with your pens? I need us to move on as I want to get through this in 30 mins and these details aren't part of the agenda.

Autistic and ADHD folks need to stim because a) they have a higher need for movement and b) it actually helps with relieving anxiety and promoting concentration and focus, contrary to popular belief that it's just "fidgeting" and it's annoying and unnecessary. Do not shame people for this. However, it would be okay to bring it up if the way they are stimming is noisy, and discuss the option of quieter and less obtrusive ways to stim that don't disturb others. For example, pen clicking or rearranging pens could be noisy and distracting, can that be replaced with something else. We have staff who knit or crochet in meetings, and nobody is bothered by the odd click of a needle - for some reason that's never as annoying as people messing with pens! Where I work, it's very normalised that some people - even those who don't identify as ND - participate better if they can doodle or stim in some way, so there's never any issue with doing it as long as it doesn't disturb or detract from what we are doing. Most of the time, it doesn't.

Online, we ask people to mute their mic if they are not chairing or speaking, so that background noise does not bother others - if you noisy stim, you can do it to your heart's content then! Some people (like me) turn cameras off if we need to pace, stim or adjust a sit/stand desk, etc, we can still listen in and turn cameras back on if we need to interact. There is also the option of putting your contribution in the chat if verbally contributing isn't possible that day, and whoever is chairing reads it out and asks clarifying questions if needed.

Also, if the mere sight of someone fidgeting is a problem, then sit away from them in meetings, angle your chair so it's not directly in your eye line, etc. I absolutely have no time for NT staff who whine that simply seeing someone stimming is a problem for them or they believe it's a distraction and they're not participating "properly". That's internalised ableism, and I have no time for it.

I think we do people a disservice by not telling them when their behaviour is problematic. I would never have had the nerve to say this type of thing as a younger woman, and would have just avoided this person, but now living with 3 ND people I see how they need guidance and very specific examples of when their behaviour is upsetting those around them. They don't see the way they affect others and even when they realise their behaviour is causing friction they still don't quite get it. Worse still, subtle hints or social cues don't work so it needs to be spelled out to them. Literally and very specifically. Maybe talk to HR or to this woman directly but have a written list of behaviours and very specific examples so she gets it, and approach with kindness and empathy. She needs to learn to get a handle on this because she is making life very difficult for colleagues. It's not her fault she is this way, but I believe 100% that people can adapt and grow and manage ND.

No, Not shaming her or trying to cause her more distress or loops of distraction. Acknowledging her behaviours, then trying to move on and find a solution that works.is the aim

. Leaning into a structure may help her. Similarly perhaps she can do some work finding an approach that doesn't dominate the meeting.

As I say, I think the OP should discuss this with her manager first.

She can't be hamstrung by not wanting to address this (in the right way). It's eating up a lot of time and energy.

My ADHD and medical issues have affected my work and studies in more ways than I care to go into. I also have medical training. I'm not unaware. It's not that the woman is making noise. it's that she causes a substantial distraction and doesn't focus, to quite an extreme degree. I think there are strategies to try and manage that. This needs to be managed with compassion, but it doesn't need to just be ignored.

I have no time for assuming people are making lazy assumptions themselves because they have a different response and suggestions. For colleagues (as a previous manager too). Perhaps this is as good as it gets but the OP is entitled to ask whether there is anything she can to to improve matters. She shouldn't be told whether she has any diagnosis, that's confidential. But she shouldn't assume it's already been raised. Someone did this with me (approximately) and it was really helpful.

Manager needs to sort it out.