When someone is an interrupter and extremely “highly strung”, what coping mechanisms?

[ThomasShelbysfagend]

It’s a colleague.

Constantly interrupting not just me but lots of others too. Will not allow you to end anything without jumping in, taking over and has something to say about everything…everything no matter the subject. I often feel very “railroaded “ by her so now stay quiet in meetings.

Is extremely details obsessed, so as an example, will ask which train I’m due to catch for a meeting, I’m never ever sure (I look the night before) so then goes to great pains, completely distracted, not listening to anything as she searches for the exact train I should be catching. Then gives me the exact train down to the minute. Does not acknowledge anything that I say about any subject while absorbed in this search. I could say fuck fuck fuckety fuck and she wouldn’t notice.
She does it about people invited to meetings, exact times of meetings and emails. So will look at contents.. then read each one out to the letter, the exact times of meetings the email was sent and by who…

She also cannot stop moving, fidgeting, tapping pens, picks up the pen, puts it down, picks it up all at great speed. Every movement is at speed.

Disagrees with just about everything, if I say the sky is blue, comes back with “well no, there are white clouds so that’s not correct”.

I started to say “it’s so lovely and sunny here today”, I got as far as “lovely and sunny” when she interrupted to give me a detailed description of the weather out of her window compared to the weather app. (TEAMs)

If anyone asks a question in the group chat, immediately she will be the one to reply with some kind of answer that may or may not be right or even in her field of expertise.

This last week I have found it utterly exhausting and I can’t wait for the weekend for a break.

She has not talked about any form of anxiety or Neurological condition, she is very confident, in fact extremely confident.

How would you deal with this?

And yes I’m an impatient bitch (I’m not, I never show how this bothers me) I just want some coping mechanisms that won’t offend or upset her because she really is trying to be helpful, friendly and to just connect with those around her I realise.
Thanks.

I second the "hands up" idea on Teams.

It stops anyone interrupting or talking over people. We have someone on our team who is the same, but "hands up" cured it overnight!

Face to face you need different strategies I personally hold out my hand up and say "Hold on Jane, I'm still talking" with a smile on my face.

You also need good meeting chairs to step in and manage serial interrupting. I've managed to find some non-shaming ways to deal with it over the years, having worked in some very neurodiverse teams. "Jane, can we come back to your point right after Sarah is finished? I want to make sure we hear what you both have to say properly. Sarah, please continue and Jane, we'll come to you next". You want to emphasise the value of everyone's contribution, but also signal it's not okay to speak over someone. I've found that more often than not, the interrupter will then say sorry for jumping in and wait their turn.

I also model apologising and shutting up if I accidentally interrupt. I have noticed that in teams where managers don't model that behaviour, there is more of it.

I don’t know how you deal with it but I don’t get how her actions don’t scream nd?! I like the suggestion of pointing out you need to finish telling her etc. sometimes people need to actually be reminded!

It’s an interesting one as her need to talk doesn’t trump your need for peace and quiet! You’ve done very well to be so patient so far.

I’d really disagree that it’s about anyone being allowed to ‘trump’ their colleague. This isn’t about a battle of conscious wills to try to get their own way, the ND colleague isn’t trying to be rude or control the conversation she is not choosing to have these behaviours.
That’s just her natural behaviour. It’s likely to have a big element of anxiety to it.

It is a behaviour that doesn’t lend itself naturally to every workplace or situation at work which is very challenging for some ND people because they are expected to mask to fit in all day every day, which is a lot to ask over your whole career. Masking long term is proven to negatively affect mental health. It literally is not being able to be yourself. That’s a horrible feeling.

The colleague is presumably bringing in lucrative other strengths to work, that do come naturally to them, which is why they have got that job.

I have been in this exact situation. I found being quite short with her and showing my annoyance was the only thing that worked.

It sounds like adhd. Alot of adults just aren't diagnosed.

IMHO the key is to not start going all fragile yourself about how relaxed you should always be able to feel with your colleagues in the office, and how you shouldn’t have to think about any of this stuff. (I’m not saying OP is doing that). Obviously its OK and important to prioritise the job you have to do and to protect your own feelings too, but part of making an inclusive workplace is that really you do have to think about these things.

Don’t read this interrupting as behaviour that’s threatening or trying to dominate you in any way because it really isn’t. If you have a natural advantage of being good at reading social cues in every social setting at work, think yourself lucky.

Working positively with a colleague like this will need an intentional approach: clarity but not in a negative way about what’s expected, using humour or distraction to deflect or de-escalate sometimes if needed, with everyone NT and ND being allowed to have boundaries in the workplace. Some great tips have been given above.

I think sometimes it’s hard to accept (or it even causes resentment for some NT people) that they have to actively be conscious about how they communicate with some ND people, if the ND person is not highly masking at that time. But it’s an essential part of professional life.

If NT people find having to do that intentional thinking a bit tiring or annoying with say, one work colleague in work for a limited amount of time each week, then maybe they should reframe and be happy that they’re not the ND person having to actively be self conscious about how they communicate with almost every person they ever meet outside of home, all day every day, for the rest of their life.

I did a deep dive on social media watching videos about what it feels like to be autistic and have ADHD in the type of workplace like mine is. Honestly very eye opening. I’m not saying I have got it right at all but it’s helped me to be more aware of why colleagues are how they are.

The rate of unemployment and underemployment for people with autism, for example, is massive, a national scandal and massive waste of talent. The social world in many ways and definitely many of our workplaces were built for NT people and value their skills much more highly, which is very limiting, so it’s a widespread active mindset change that is going to be needed to make more workplaces more inclusive.

If NT people find having to do that intentional thinking a bit tiring or annoying with say, one work colleague in work for a limited amount of time each week, then maybe they should reframe and be happy that they’re not the ND person having to actively be self conscious about how they communicate with almost every person they ever meet outside of home, all day every day, for the rest of their life.

@CurrentHun I take your point but there does need to be a balance between finding certain behavior abit tiring and being unable to have productive meetings due to constant interruptions, for example.

The OP has been given some good ideas on how to manage this situation and I think she should also speak to her line manager/HR as ultimately they need to ensure that the workplace can be productive.

Yes, I agree with you about balance. You’ve quoted selectively for some reason. I didn’t suggest reframing as the only strategy.

@CurrentHun That was the part of your post that I wanted to focus on, that everyone in that workplace needs to be able to be productive and that management/HR may need to put in strategies to ensure this, for example, to ensure that during a 30-minute meeting, no one goes off on a tangent for 15 minutes!

If the person is very rules based, can your manager work on some new ‘team rules’ like using ‘raising hand’ in teams online meetings and in person not interrupting each other. Add in travel to and from meetings to be discussed outside of the meeting.

see if that would help?

a close relative is like this, I can manage for a couple of hours but then I just lose the will to live. They get louder and louder and start talking utter rubbish about people that you never met. Thank fuck I don’t work with them.

Fair enough, I agree with you

I know a couple of people like this at work but I'm female in an all male team, it is a very flat structure so 'rules' aren't really expected. I just tend to see as they are adults and we all have strengths and weaknesses so they can cope with me being clear and direct so I would just say that I need to just get this point out and would wash and repeat until point is made. There was one time their new focus became something they wanted to sort there and then but I had to collect my DC and I just had to directly cut in and tell them that I wasn't doing that, I was going.

I agree with this and where I work we wouldn't get much done as there are a high percentage that exhibit these behaviours.

Palm up, ✋️ " Jane, stop talking, wait until Peter has finished"

I think how she responds to feedback will be very telling. I’m ND. If someone gives me feedback like ‘Hey burnout, you’re doing great but I find it really difficult when you interrupt me. Please can you wait till I’ve finished?’. I would be embarrassed (I know I do sometimes do this and work really hard on it) but then work on it. Whereas I have a colleague who I believe is narcissistic (please note I know a LOT about this, I’m not saying he has NPD but he thinks VERY highly of himself and our clients say that a lot) and when he did this I said ‘Please don’t interrupt me’…continued, he did it again. ‘You did it again, please don’t interrupt me’ tried to finish and he did it again! I said ‘and you’ve interrupted me again!’ He said ‘I think you’re being too sensitive about this.’ 🙄 No strategy works with someone like that! I tended to avoid him and not start conversations.

Yes I agree ADHD is my first thoughts here.
I got diagnosed last week at 58.Never had a real problem in the workplace until my last job.
I got diagnosed as I now want a signal when to shut up.
The interrupting is just because she will most likely forget if nothing is said.
She may come across as confident but it could be a mask to hide the hideous feeling of imposter syndrome.

Don't do the palm up thing. It's infantilising and passive aggressive and there are better ways of dealing with unintentional interrupters (as opposed to the aggressive male kind).

Better meeting chairing and agreements about how to work together are usually the best solution. If people feel secure that they'll be heard and get their turn, they won't be fighting to talk, or not knowing when they can and can't. If someone keeps interrupting in my meetings I can say "we have a team agreement to use hands up so I know who wants to speak and in what order, please can we stick to that so everyone gets a chance to contribute" - and if someone repeatedly doesn't stick to it, I can take them aside and have a quiet word.

Another way of dealing with it is to try making the serial interrupter the meeting chair or offering for them to do minutes. Give them a role and they might be less focused on cutting in. It also makes a difference if the person has to see what it's like in the chair role managing lots of different people vying with each other to speak!

Social situations are a different thing, but if you can establish better ways of working in work, I usually find this results in a calmer, more relaxed team outside too.

If you feel that your manager sees what you see, talk with them. Explain that you are finding it hard to have the constant interruptions, train advice, etc.

I would suggest that you ask that each meeting has a Facilitator . Facilitators role is to ensure everyone gets a chance to speak.

Facilitator should be trained to recognise signs of anxiety/ differences in communication style and work with that., gently in the case of your colleague,

In my organisation several team members took facilitator training and we rotated in and out of the role as needed.

Textbook ADHD.

My DH has it, and the ceiling could fall in while he’s Googling something and he wouldn’t notice. Hyper-focus. Always needs to be up in others’ business.

I thought I had things to say but instead I'm reading @CrazyGoatLady's posts and either agreeing already or learning a lot. CGL I'm sure you earn far too much to bother with this, but if you ever start a consultancy getting companies to make the most of every type of staff member, count me in, I'd pay a lot for your input.

I'd see this as a management issue. The person chairing the meeting(s) should be noting what's working and what isn't. Meetings should be productive and at least bearable if not actively enjoyable. Likewise line managers should be reflecting on their reports' abilities and challenges in team situations. I'd take it to your manager and ask hem to think about things like CGL's approaches as a group. Or get promoted yourself...

She sounds like she has autism and ADHD to me.

Good advice already. I have ND friends and colleagues for whom some of this behaviour is familiar. No shade. I have ADHD but a different flavour.

Sounds like she gets hyperfoccused on detail and doesn't manage her behaviour at all.

Have you tried really structuring conversations? Strict visual and temporal agenda, sent before meeting? I think you can afford to try quite firm verbal cues as long as you're still polite.

E.g 'which train? I'll arrange my own transport, thank you'. End of topic. Our next item is...

For the weather, she may just not grasp polite chat and want to burrow down into the detail. Take control and move on. 'we've got 30 mins. I need us to move on from the weather and make a start on today's actions'?

I would be quite clear with SMART targets when you're asking her to stay on task. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time bound.even when helping to plan a discussion or meeting.

I think differentiate between and factor in quick 'rabbit hole' chats outside meetings as that's who she is. You can't change her core personality. If for instance she is talking about HER, so if she has a concern or personal issue, keep a time limit and a structure but let her use her own words.

However, when you need to get work done, be a lot more structured and firm. If she is derailing the discussion by not focussing, be firm. 'we need to move on from discussing meeting attendees. That's sorted/ not in the scope of this meeting. We have ten minutes on the agenda to cover X. Can you please give me an update on Y project for the last month?

If she's fiddling, Ask her outright. Is everything ok with your pens? I need us to move on as I want to get through this in 30 mins and these details aren't part of the agenda.

Asynchronous instructions as follows up or when you're burning out again the end of the week/ pacing yourself will help.

If you want to put in more structure and be a bit firmer with timings, may be an idea to run it past your manager first so they're aware of your plan. Just in case she takes it amiss. I would expect you'll be supported as long as you're polite but I think it's always helpful to be getting support too with managing a tricky work relationship.

I would also suggest a discussion with her manager if nothing changes. Ask whether they have why suggestions re helping to manage interactions better as she seems to spend a lot of time getting fixated off the point and and she may require some support. Be tactful be make it known that it isn't helpful for time management. They may not be aware, or they may have some ideas. If she has OH involvement, perhaps they can provide more support. I wouldn't present this as a complaint,.
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