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Original poster

I need to do something about this man

61 replies

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:01

He's married, to someone I know and like. I've heard bits and pieces from both of them over the years, suggesting that their relationship isn't great, but I always assumed these things crop up in a long marriage, and none of my business anyway.

I socialise with him quite a bit in a group. His wife is always invited, but often declines to come.

Recently, after many years, where I'd have sworn he was one of the good ones, never seen or heard anything inappropriate from him, he has decided to tell me "how he feels". I've really tried to shut it down and things will be normal for a while, but as soon as he has a drink , he's there declaring feelings again.

He's never suggested taking any action on these feelings, he still hasn't actually "done" anything, but obviously this is not OK.

In the last month or so, he's started messaging me, to the point that it's become almost daily. Nothing flirty, always positive. It will be things like "good so see James back a club last night" or "Sue did well in the comp at the weekend", "just checking, is it 3pm on Sat?", but this is all new. Previously these remarks would have been made in a group chat, if at all. I never reply quickly and only reply at all when an answer is required. I never make it chatty iyswim.

So, on the face of it all perfectly reasonable. If his DW were to share the messages on MN she'd be told it's perfectly OK for him to have female friends he shared an interest with. It's the sudden change, alongside the other conversations that bothers me.

I can't just cut him off, or at least not without sacrificing my main hobby and friendship group, and I'm not inclined to do that because a man is being ridiculous.

So what do I do?

OP posts:
TallulahBetty · 23/05/2025 13:14

I'd tell him, both on a message and in person, that you'd feel more comfortable only speaking at the group. You don't need to give a reason.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/05/2025 13:22

I would ask him to stick to the WhatsApp group as you find it easier and wouldn't be alone with him. For example if you're out with a group, sit well away from him and immediately remove yourself if he sidles up to you.

Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:37

I don't really want to admit to him that I've noticed the change or and bothered by him sending perfectly reasonable messages.

OP posts:

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ExceedinglyCharacteristic · 23/05/2025 13:40

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:37

I don't really want to admit to him that I've noticed the change or and bothered by him sending perfectly reasonable messages.

And it’s this reluctance to create even the slightest conflict that’s giving him a private conduit to you. Just say ‘Why not say this on the group chat? I’m trying to streamline my WhatsApp usage and would prefer to keep all hobby-related chat in the same place.’

verycloakanddaggers · 23/05/2025 13:43

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:37

I don't really want to admit to him that I've noticed the change or and bothered by him sending perfectly reasonable messages.

This is unhelpful. You can't enforce boundaries if you persist with this.

Just tell him to stop messaging you.

Wherewillitend25 · 23/05/2025 13:44

“Brian, there is no need for you to messaging me. Stop it”.

BIWI · 23/05/2025 13:48

What did he say to you, when declaring his feelings? And how did you respond?

Comedycook · 23/05/2025 13:50

He sounds like one of those men who doesn't take the subtle social cues you're throwing out. So you take ages to text him back...some people will read between the lines that you don't want the conversation. He is obviously the sort that just thinks, great, she replied! I would start to ignore him on message

gamerchick · 23/05/2025 13:50

You need to tell him on PM to stop with the private messages. Tell him once and then just ignore any more private ones..that way he can't blame you when his wife finds out.

Don't ignore it, it always bites you on the arse.

Mulletbelle · 23/05/2025 13:53

Your gut is correct - his MO has changed and he is nudging boundaries.

You sense it you know it. The nudges are deliberately small so that you would feel foolish calling him out in the moment on a single incident.

But you both know that this is a pattern of behaviour. He's trying to boil the frog.

There is enough context and evidence here. Call him out and take action.

Dont reply to any text messages - even if he persists.
Dont sit near him.
Get up and move if he comes to you or starts a convo.

He will get the message once you a blunt and consistent with your actions.

Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:54

BIWI · 23/05/2025 13:48

What did he say to you, when declaring his feelings? And how did you respond?

The first time it was horrible, he cried and apologised for not telling me much earlier how he felt.

Since then it's been a variation on that, sometimes with fewer tears and sometimes kicking himself for not "keeping his stupid mouth shut".

Often in noisy environments and tbh it feels like I missed something from the first one because he keeps going on about "feelings" but I don't think he's ever specifically said what they are.

He's had a bereavement recently and cries a lot.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/05/2025 13:57

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:37

I don't really want to admit to him that I've noticed the change or and bothered by him sending perfectly reasonable messages.

"Barry could you stick to WhatsApp please as your messages are getting lost and it's easier to keep track in the group chat."

SunsetCocktails · 23/05/2025 14:00

I agree with others, tell him to stick to group chats from now on and after that ignore any personal messages he sends you. He’ll get the hint eventually when you’re completely ignoring him.

Mulletbelle · 23/05/2025 14:00

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:54

The first time it was horrible, he cried and apologised for not telling me much earlier how he felt.

Since then it's been a variation on that, sometimes with fewer tears and sometimes kicking himself for not "keeping his stupid mouth shut".

Often in noisy environments and tbh it feels like I missed something from the first one because he keeps going on about "feelings" but I don't think he's ever specifically said what they are.

He's had a bereavement recently and cries a lot.

Show quote history

He's had a bereavement recently and cries a lot.

He's after a pity shag. Grim and manipulative.

This guy is emotionally dangerous.

Everyothernamewasalreadyinuse · 23/05/2025 14:02

Yeah you need to ignore him, he is taking any reply as cause to up the communication. Then men like this will start with the emotional texts, and the ' i don't know what i would do if i didn't have you to talk to' emotional blackmail bollox messages.

Either that or be direct - Next time he dumps his feelings on you, just say 'Tom, i have no feelings for you - the only thing i feel that is remotely connected to you is pity for your poor wife being married to you'

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/05/2025 14:02

Public weeping trying to get sex? Barf.
Text him to fuck right off.

Gothamcity · 23/05/2025 14:02

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:37

I don't really want to admit to him that I've noticed the change or and bothered by him sending perfectly reasonable messages.

But you SHOULD tell him that due to him "telling you how he feels" you aren't comfortable with him messaging you one on one as its makes you feel awkward. Just don't reply to him ever. I have a work colleague who used to be a good friend but then a few people started to say he fancied me. I get on well with him, and will still socialise with him in a group, but if he ever messages me now, (always completely innocent stuff) I completely ignore him, never respond. He's never said anything inappropriate to me, but as soon as I got wind that he may have "feelings" I cut any communication outside of work off.

Catlord · 23/05/2025 14:03

Sorry OP I'm not sure I've read this correctly.

So he's approached you in person and expressed he likes you as more than friends but not make overt any move towards an affair?

What he is doing is subtly increasing contact in very innocent ways so that he is more regularly in your orbit but nothing that could be incriminating? Sneaky beaky. No audit trail.

I would assume he has a little plan to increase this gradually further and if he thinks you're receptive (doesn't matter if you are, even your polite responses may be read as such), sally forth with whatever tedious plan he has in store. Lucky you.

I would be tempted to play this quite straight. Now was his initial overture? Was it clear or cryptic? Sounds like he's going to some lengths to be discreet. Yuck.

If clear, I'd approach in person, give a chance to climb down and save face 'Rupert, after our conversation, I would like to remain friends with everyone here. I'd be more comfortable if we could please keep messages on the chat. I'm sure you understand'.

If not clear, maybe start replying on the chat and see if he gets the message.

If he carries on, my all means let his wife know but the shady prat has been clear there's nothing to deny. It's just so irritating.

YellowRoom · 23/05/2025 14:04

Weeping and telling you he has feelings ffs - is he twelve? You don't owe him anything. Ignore the personal messaging, walk away if he tries to talk to you about said feelings. Don't let him affect your hobby. He's an adult and will cope with hurty feelings.

Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 14:04

Everyothernamewasalreadyinuse · 23/05/2025 14:02

Yeah you need to ignore him, he is taking any reply as cause to up the communication. Then men like this will start with the emotional texts, and the ' i don't know what i would do if i didn't have you to talk to' emotional blackmail bollox messages.

Either that or be direct - Next time he dumps his feelings on you, just say 'Tom, i have no feelings for you - the only thing i feel that is remotely connected to you is pity for your poor wife being married to you'

Yes, but we've never had an emotional conversation!

I lost DH, quite a few years ago, and this group was great because they took me out and kept me busy. I never really "talked" to them though and definitely not to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 14:08

Catlord · 23/05/2025 14:03

Sorry OP I'm not sure I've read this correctly.

So he's approached you in person and expressed he likes you as more than friends but not make overt any move towards an affair?

What he is doing is subtly increasing contact in very innocent ways so that he is more regularly in your orbit but nothing that could be incriminating? Sneaky beaky. No audit trail.

I would assume he has a little plan to increase this gradually further and if he thinks you're receptive (doesn't matter if you are, even your polite responses may be read as such), sally forth with whatever tedious plan he has in store. Lucky you.

I would be tempted to play this quite straight. Now was his initial overture? Was it clear or cryptic? Sounds like he's going to some lengths to be discreet. Yuck.

If clear, I'd approach in person, give a chance to climb down and save face 'Rupert, after our conversation, I would like to remain friends with everyone here. I'd be more comfortable if we could please keep messages on the chat. I'm sure you understand'.

If not clear, maybe start replying on the chat and see if he gets the message.

If he carries on, my all means let his wife know but the shady prat has been clear there's nothing to deny. It's just so irritating.

So he's approached you in person and expressed he likes you as more than friends but not make overt any move towards an affair?

Yes, that.

I really don't know about the rest. I've known him, and his closest friends for a long time and tbh been one of the lads with them. It's come as something of a surprise that he's even noticed I'm a woman 😂We've been drinking together many times. I'm sure I'd have heard if he had form.

OP posts:
BIWI · 23/05/2025 14:08

What did you say to him though? How did you respond?

Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 14:08

YellowRoom · 23/05/2025 14:04

Weeping and telling you he has feelings ffs - is he twelve? You don't owe him anything. Ignore the personal messaging, walk away if he tries to talk to you about said feelings. Don't let him affect your hobby. He's an adult and will cope with hurty feelings.

He's about to turn 60 and that could also be relevant, I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 14:10

BIWI · 23/05/2025 14:08

What did you say to him though? How did you respond?

Well I'd been drinking too. I think I just told him not to be daft and walked off.

When he apologised about opening his mouth I said not to worry we'll just pretend it never happened.

Latterly I've said a more firm "stop it!".

OP posts:
BIWI · 23/05/2025 14:16

In which case you can easily tell him to stop sending you private WhatsApp messages. Just be equally as blunt about it. Make it clear that you are definitely not interested.