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Original poster

I need to do something about this man

61 replies

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:01

He's married, to someone I know and like. I've heard bits and pieces from both of them over the years, suggesting that their relationship isn't great, but I always assumed these things crop up in a long marriage, and none of my business anyway.

I socialise with him quite a bit in a group. His wife is always invited, but often declines to come.

Recently, after many years, where I'd have sworn he was one of the good ones, never seen or heard anything inappropriate from him, he has decided to tell me "how he feels". I've really tried to shut it down and things will be normal for a while, but as soon as he has a drink , he's there declaring feelings again.

He's never suggested taking any action on these feelings, he still hasn't actually "done" anything, but obviously this is not OK.

In the last month or so, he's started messaging me, to the point that it's become almost daily. Nothing flirty, always positive. It will be things like "good so see James back a club last night" or "Sue did well in the comp at the weekend", "just checking, is it 3pm on Sat?", but this is all new. Previously these remarks would have been made in a group chat, if at all. I never reply quickly and only reply at all when an answer is required. I never make it chatty iyswim.

So, on the face of it all perfectly reasonable. If his DW were to share the messages on MN she'd be told it's perfectly OK for him to have female friends he shared an interest with. It's the sudden change, alongside the other conversations that bothers me.

I can't just cut him off, or at least not without sacrificing my main hobby and friendship group, and I'm not inclined to do that because a man is being ridiculous.

So what do I do?

OP posts:
Todayisaday · 23/05/2025 14:20

Block him. Send him one message to say its making you uncomfortable and putting you in a situation and that you are blocking him for that reason. Say that you have no issues with the friendship as it was but this is not ok and you are blocking him.

Todayisaday · 23/05/2025 14:22

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:54

The first time it was horrible, he cried and apologised for not telling me much earlier how he felt.

Since then it's been a variation on that, sometimes with fewer tears and sometimes kicking himself for not "keeping his stupid mouth shut".

Often in noisy environments and tbh it feels like I missed something from the first one because he keeps going on about "feelings" but I don't think he's ever specifically said what they are.

He's had a bereavement recently and cries a lot.

Show quote history

Eugh what a wetwipe. Actually just tell him to fuck off. I would in fact be rude at this point as hes being pathetic and uaing tears to manipulate you into speaking to him.

Catlord · 23/05/2025 14:24

Fine so you've known him a really long time. How would you feel about having a discreet word, something about valuing his friendship and his wife's, that last message was a bit personal and its better if you speak on the group chat?

Just to stop these residual ideas creeping up. Definitely let him climb down with grace.

I agree with bluntness but it 'oi! Pack it in' can be read as flirty/ challenging if someone is in that mindset. Id personally spell it out in in full, a bit professionally.

Interested in this thread?

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ExceedinglyCharacteristic · 23/05/2025 14:25

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 14:10

Well I'd been drinking too. I think I just told him not to be daft and walked off.

When he apologised about opening his mouth I said not to worry we'll just pretend it never happened.

Latterly I've said a more firm "stop it!".

Show quote history

Good. Can you not apply that same firmness to his messages?

Wishing14 · 23/05/2025 14:27

Next time he texts you reply in a way that is obviously a response to what he’s said/ his question but not obvious to the others. Do it on the group chat. Every time.

Original poster
Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 14:33

I have stopped replying.

Today he's sent a " I didn't realise that..." message relating to a mutual friend. No reason to send it, no reason to reply.

Looking back at this week, he sent me a good luck message which I just said thank you to, a couple of "notices" with info that was vaguely useful to me, that I just did thumbs up to. I haven't replied to anything else.

OP posts:
Veganpug · 23/05/2025 14:56

Block him on your phone

WilfredsPies · 23/05/2025 14:58

You could just ignore the messages completely and say your phone lives in your bag and you only look at it when you need to use it. But you know that this is just prolonging the inevitable.

All you need to do is say ‘Mate, I don’t want to fall out with you, but in light of some of the things you’ve said to me recently, I think it’s best for both of us if we keep conversation within the chat. See you at the next meeting’.

Mulletbelle · 23/05/2025 16:05

WilfredsPies · 23/05/2025 14:58

You could just ignore the messages completely and say your phone lives in your bag and you only look at it when you need to use it. But you know that this is just prolonging the inevitable.

All you need to do is say ‘Mate, I don’t want to fall out with you, but in light of some of the things you’ve said to me recently, I think it’s best for both of us if we keep conversation within the chat. See you at the next meeting’.

‘Mate, I don’t want to fall out with you, but in light of some of the things you’ve said to me recently, I think it’s best for both of us if we keep conversation within the chat. See you at the next meeting’.

Yes do this. It would be a good emotional learning experience for you in assertive, calm communication.

Kittykittymeowmee · 23/05/2025 16:13

Similar happened to me - drunk texts and all; you just need to nip it in the bud really..

I straight up asked what is it he wants from me? Reminded him he's married, made it clear I'm not interested even if he was single; and said we can either keep things civil or I can take it up with his wife (whom I don't know in real life but easily found on FB)!

AllWhitNoWhoo · 23/05/2025 16:17

I had something similar with perfectly innocent questions on the surface.

I solved it by not replying direct to him but instead telling his adult son to tell him " it starts at 3 pm " or what ever .

Not my problem if the son then asks his dad why I had to answer what ever question he already knew the answer to.
Soon stopped.

If that's not doable, ie you're not in contact with his wife or family, then just answer in the group chat.

Same thing, if you're having to answer a question that is already clearly answered in the chat

Lovehascomeandgone · 24/05/2025 19:07

By allowing the behaviour to continue, he is getting the message that it’s ok. Stop replying to any messages he sends that aren’t on the group. Avoid being alone with him as part of the hobby and if you can’t tell him straight he is disrespecting your dearly departed husband and you, to shut up and stop this nonsense.

Laura95167 · 24/05/2025 19:25

I'm not interested.

As youre married I also feel uncomfortable, Id rather we didn't speak privately in future

HevenlyMeS · 24/05/2025 19:29

Yes & surely if he was crying saying he's got feelings for you, isn't this some form of emotional conversation on his behalf? If you didn't set & establish firm boundaries in a kind manner following an incident like this, it's giving mixed signals because he doesn't completely comprehend, you're not wishing to pursue or reciprocate his so called feelings? He needs to hear from you what you have shared here...

Firefly100 · 24/05/2025 19:51

I agree with previous posters regarding either blocking him or if that is not practical to only reply via the group chat. I wouldn’t even hide it either- eg “hi Bob in answer to your question it starts at 8” or whatever. It will encourage him not to ask questions to you directly if it is being made obvious to the rest of your group that he is frequently directing messages via personal chat to you rather than the group. You could do the same for responding to observations that are not questions where possible.
If he does the drunken/private in person chat attempt again, I would get my phone out and say ‘one sec Bob I just want to set my phone to record”. When questioned, I reply “I want a record of exactly what you are saying in case I need to speak with your wife”. That should see him disappear pretty quick.

GentleJadeOP · 24/05/2025 19:55

Just say you’ve had people stay before and you ended up falling out with them, and don’t want this to risk affecting their friendship

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 24/05/2025 20:24

Ignore the messages. Don’t reply. He’ll get bored and stop.

Don’t entertain him drunkenly telling you about his feelings. Get up and walk off.

Men like this only continue to behave like that if women enable them. You need firmer boundaries.

Planesmistakenforstars · 24/05/2025 20:30

I don't know why you're being so passive about it. He's crossed a massive line already and now he's trying to sidle his way to a more personal relationship. Obviously you're not responsible for his behaviour, but he's going to escalate if you don't shut him down. When he messages you just respond with "ask this on the group chat" or something like that, like a broken record. Then post on the group chat "just replying to dave who mistakenly messaged only me..." Every single time, like a broken record.

Munkyfuzzable · 25/05/2025 00:25

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 24/05/2025 20:24

Ignore the messages. Don’t reply. He’ll get bored and stop.

Don’t entertain him drunkenly telling you about his feelings. Get up and walk off.

Men like this only continue to behave like that if women enable them. You need firmer boundaries.

Nope. Men like this behave this way with or without ‘enabling’ from women, as you call it. Her replies of ‘don’t be daft’ and ‘stop it’ should be enough for most people, but men frequently forget what the word no means. He’s doing it on purpose, being manipulative. Yes, she needs to be firmer, but let’s not pretend that she’s enabling this man in any way, he just feels entitled to push boundaries and needs a metaphorical slap in the face.

Boreded · 25/05/2025 01:25

Bet it’s a bike club @Sparkleswirl

if it is please thumbs up, nobody else can see but I wonder if I am right

FluffyBenji23 · 25/05/2025 06:05

Years ago I had a similar experience. He wasn't married but in a long term relationship. I was mortified and very uncomfortable but also young and unsure how to respond or if I should tell his partner. Anyway as I said we were all young and moving a lot and they moved away. I finally confided in another mutual friend and it turned out he tried it on with everyone - I was nothing special to him! Lesson learnt.

Missj25 · 25/05/2025 11:05

Sparkleswirl · 23/05/2025 13:01

He's married, to someone I know and like. I've heard bits and pieces from both of them over the years, suggesting that their relationship isn't great, but I always assumed these things crop up in a long marriage, and none of my business anyway.

I socialise with him quite a bit in a group. His wife is always invited, but often declines to come.

Recently, after many years, where I'd have sworn he was one of the good ones, never seen or heard anything inappropriate from him, he has decided to tell me "how he feels". I've really tried to shut it down and things will be normal for a while, but as soon as he has a drink , he's there declaring feelings again.

He's never suggested taking any action on these feelings, he still hasn't actually "done" anything, but obviously this is not OK.

In the last month or so, he's started messaging me, to the point that it's become almost daily. Nothing flirty, always positive. It will be things like "good so see James back a club last night" or "Sue did well in the comp at the weekend", "just checking, is it 3pm on Sat?", but this is all new. Previously these remarks would have been made in a group chat, if at all. I never reply quickly and only reply at all when an answer is required. I never make it chatty iyswim.

So, on the face of it all perfectly reasonable. If his DW were to share the messages on MN she'd be told it's perfectly OK for him to have female friends he shared an interest with. It's the sudden change, alongside the other conversations that bothers me.

I can't just cut him off, or at least not without sacrificing my main hobby and friendship group, and I'm not inclined to do that because a man is being ridiculous.

So what do I do?

OP , you can’t beat honesty so be honest with him ..
Tell him straight out , it makes you uncomfortable & you know he’s a nice guy , bla ,bla, & while you know his messages are just being friendly , you feel they’re better off on the hobby group chat ..
Say aswel you don’t appreciate when he has one to many how he speaks to you , that he’s married & you like his wife ..
That it’s inappropriate, she wouldn’t like it & you don’t either …

Noononoo · 25/05/2025 12:02

I think we can trust OP to see this through delicately. I doubt if this is a callous seduction sounds more like a crush a fantasy romantic attachment but he is being unrealistic and you are having to kindly dump him. It is a very delicate situation big feelings all round. But mostly you are luckily not similarly infected by his desire and can faultlessly stop his wife from being betrayed. How do you do that? Well without increasing his adoration of you even more you will have to unromantically step back and back and back.
Don’t humiliate him but be firm. Don’t respond to any messages. Except to say ‘more appropriate to group chat Brian’ and then if you can be so brave go up to him and say ‘ I’m sorry you have feelings for me but they are not reciprocated and I feel uncomfortable as I know and like your wife.’ Maybe add ‘ And I feel uncomfortable when you keep messaging me.’
Don’t put yourself on too high a pedestal though. These feelings don’t get easily brushed away. As you say you have known them a long time and he hasn’t got form of this type of behaviour. So of course you can be kind, it’s far more difficult to make yourself less attractive to him in doing so. And of course part of you is flattered. We all want to be adored deep down so it is difficult. so let’s not underestimate that.
Somehow you need to crush his fantasising. Getting closer to his wife while ignoring him might help.
It’s reverse frog time you’ve got to gently ease him out of the hot water into the cooler and ideally the cold water. Good luck.

S0j0urn4r · 25/05/2025 12:12

Invite his wife to your chat.

Missingpop · 25/05/2025 18:50

It’s simple tell him if it continues you’ll block his number if he continues or you’ll speak to his wife because your just not interested