I need to do something about this man

[Sparkleswirl]

He's married, to someone I know and like. I've heard bits and pieces from both of them over the years, suggesting that their relationship isn't great, but I always assumed these things crop up in a long marriage, and none of my business anyway.

I socialise with him quite a bit in a group. His wife is always invited, but often declines to come.

Recently, after many years, where I'd have sworn he was one of the good ones, never seen or heard anything inappropriate from him, he has decided to tell me "how he feels". I've really tried to shut it down and things will be normal for a while, but as soon as he has a drink , he's there declaring feelings again.

He's never suggested taking any action on these feelings, he still hasn't actually "done" anything, but obviously this is not OK.

In the last month or so, he's started messaging me, to the point that it's become almost daily. Nothing flirty, always positive. It will be things like "good so see James back a club last night" or "Sue did well in the comp at the weekend", "just checking, is it 3pm on Sat?", but this is all new. Previously these remarks would have been made in a group chat, if at all. I never reply quickly and only reply at all when an answer is required. I never make it chatty iyswim.

So, on the face of it all perfectly reasonable. If his DW were to share the messages on MN she'd be told it's perfectly OK for him to have female friends he shared an interest with. It's the sudden change, alongside the other conversations that bothers me.

I can't just cut him off, or at least not without sacrificing my main hobby and friendship group, and I'm not inclined to do that because a man is being ridiculous.

So what do I do?

This reminds me of how women have grown up to be mindful of men’s feelings, while they seemingly don’t give much consideration at all to ours. Tell him bluntly to keep messages to the main group and tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable. Job done.

She has to do it in a way that doesn’t get his back up , so everything can remain comfortable, so what you’ve suggested PP isn’t a good idea ..

I had this with a male (senior) colleague. Declared feelings to me in the pub after several pints. I was recently separated, vulnerable. I had had several gins and said ‘You’re MARRIED’, end of. Next morning I hoped it was just the beer talking but no, he persistently messaged despite me saying to stop, kept saying he’d behave but he didn’t. In the end, I blocked his number. Only way.
OP you know if you block someone’s number you can still see each other’s messages on group chats on WhatsApp? Just thought it might be helpful, not everyone knows this.

What could be more innocent and normal than getting another friend's (who just happens to be his wife) opinion.
If it gets his back up it clearly isn't an innocent or normal conversation on his side.

Sure that’s just it , he’s trying to strike up something & OP trying to shut it down , she’s trying to do in a subtle way where everything remains comfortable for everyone as they’re in that hobby together

This is brilliant, completely concur with you 🙏

I bet like PP says he has form.

When he tells you how he feels do you shoot him down or dance around rejecting him

For anything connected to hobby, keep replying: IDK - check in group chat?
Leave other attempts at chat unanswered.

The most understanding and emotionally intelligent response here. Do this

That's just ridiculous, "he has told you how he feels" so you need to tell him how you feel.
By ignoring what he is saying , by not shutting him down you are letting him think he has a chance.
Ignore his messages from now on, don't meet him alone and if/when he says or does something inappropriate then don't beat about the bush just tell him straight you don't feel the same and that he's advances are to stop. Block him from what's app and do not engage one to one going forward.