Struggling with the mental load of parenting tweens. Is this how it is in other families?

[Alonebutmarried]

I am not a single parent, but I parent alone as my husband works away. A lot.

3 children, 13, 10 and 9. In the last 12 months they have turned from a joy to be with, into a bit of a nightmare. I am going to rant a bit about my children in this thread, so if this will upset or trigger you then please read something else for both our sakes.

I cannot deal with the emotions. There are too many of them and they are constant. It’s like living in a drain of negativity and complaining. I can no longer separate to real problems from the moaning.

This morning already - DD10 is in tears because her favourite school jumper is in the wash. She will apparently be teased for wearing a cardigan (despite the fact that at least 50% of the class are wearing them whenever I visit school). If she would get her school things ready the night before as I keep telling them, I could have washed it then, but she won’t. So she’s in tears, moping, glaring at me.

DD9 is in a mood because it’s her turn to feed the guinea pigs (which they all wore me down about and promised they would look after). She is snapping at DS as this is somehow his fault, and just ate the last bagel. She doesn’t like bagels, but he does so she forced it down so he couldn’t have it. I can’t prove this because she claims to now like them (with a smirk).

That is just this morning. In more general terms:

They will not leave me alone. I have had 4 door knocks whilst writing this with whiny non-problems.

They never ever clear up after themselves. I will NOT let this go so it is a constant battle. They then tell their dad that I am making them do all the housework. Nope - just want you to put your own bastard plates away and your own shitting clothes in the washing basket.

There are CONSTANT school dramas from the oldest two. Constant. I dread them coming home tbh. You know - massive fallout with friend who has pushed them over and grazed their arm. Friend is awful, I’m up in arms. Then next day best mates again.

Bedtime is a nightmare because all the emotion comes out. They cannot just be tucked in. They need a detailed 30 minute therapy session each about the days various issues/life in general.

They are spoilt. Many of their problems/moans are just so ridiculous. They do not know they are bloody born.

Night time issues can be ‘I want to go to private school because then I wouldn’t get bullied.’ After 30 minutes unpicking it turns out their friend who goes to private school told them it was really cool, so they’ve exaggerated their normal school bickering to bullying, in order for me to presumably feel sorry for them and send them to private school.

It just goes on and on and I’m finding it exhausting.

This probably won’t even make sense. I am just completely worn down with the angst of these kids and with the best will in the world, it is too much for me. The arguing and door slamming starts fron pretty much the moment they wake up. Before really, because when I wake them up for school they’re furious with me before they even open their eyes.

IAProbablyBU but I am just emotionally exhausted. Is it just me? If not then how do you cope?

PS - obviously I do love my children.

That sounds hard Op - I have two similar ages, and whilst I don’t quite have the same challenges all the time, the circular arguments and bickering between thm drive me to distraction at times! And yes the general lack of taking responsibility over anything can also be really annoying!

I shouldn’t laugh but this has amused be. I’ve just read it to DD13 who also laughed. It’s very well written
its perfectly normal. I just smile and nod. usually I zone out when she starts. You’ll get through this they’ll grow out of it

They gave to knock on the door to speak to you?1

I think you should relax and treat things more casually. Even laugh at some stuff ... "you want to go to private school? ... you'd better start doing the lottery then!"

"People do fall out sometimes ... it will pass "
"Plates in the sink/clothes in the wash or no TV ...end of."

Children's problems seem "ridiculous" to us but are not to them. The challenge is to know when to take it seriously (major bullying) and when to shrug it off a bit to help them get a sense of proportion.

Don't expect them to knock on the door to speak to you.
Re home the Guinea pigs.
Set firmer boundaries - they've got used to getting their own way. "You're going to have to wear a cardigan".
Ignore the nonsense about private schools.

I feel you. Tweens are hard work!

Find your inner zen so that nothing they do can disturb your peace.

School jumper not clean? Cheery “oh dear, you must remember to put dirty clothes in the basket”.

Private school? Tinkly laugh “I’ll look into selling a kidney”

And then walk away. Preferably while wafting sage to rid the house of their demon energy.

It will pass OP, but until then solidarity.

You need to learn from the things you’ve written and take some steps back.
Listen to the moaning about school friends but then learn from the last an expect it too al be right again tomorrow.
Develop a shell for the tears about things that are the result of them being lazy or ignoring warnings. Not got their fave jumper because they didn’t think to do anything about it -tough. Not your problem.
You know that by the time they get to school they will have forgotten you exist never mind worrying about your feelings or the strop they had this morning.

They gave to knock on the door to speak to you?1

Yes if I’m in my room with the door shut, in case I’m getting changed.

I think you should relax and treat things more casually. Even laugh at some stuff ... "you want to go to private school? ... you'd better start doing the lottery then!"

Yeah tried that.
Bit harder to do when they’re claiming that bullying is the reason.

"People do fall out sometimes ... it will pass "

When they come home physically injured? How am I supposed to work out which are the bullshit bickerings and which are the serious issues?

"Plates in the sink/clothes in the wash or no TV ...end of."

No TV for who? Quentin (not his real name) put his plate away and he wants to watch Police Interceptors. Cressida (not her real name) put her clothes away AND Arabella’s clothes, so she should be able to watch Free Rein.
‘It’s my turn anyway to watch my shitty babysitter programme!’ pipes up Arabella. You swapped it me yesterday Quentin because I took your turn at filling the guinea pig water, you utter prick.’

Children's problems seem "ridiculous" to us but are not to them. The challenge is to know when to take it seriously (major bullying) and when to shrug it off a bit to help them get a sense of proportion.

Yes I know. Hence my problem.

Thanks v much for the solidarity 💐

That sounds really draining OP. Could your DH be at home a little more? You must all miss him. I reckon that’s where a lot of the angst is coming from.

Sending support OP. You are doing a fantastic job, well done for insisting on the chores.

Yes, the emotional chat/support side really ramps up as they get older, combined with their bedtimes moving later as they get older and need more sleep. My DS is almost 7, and genuinely isn’t tired/ready for bed now until 8.30-9pm, still up early, and we’ve noticed such a difference to our evenings than when he was asleep by 7-7.30pm like DD (3) still is 🥲😴😂 There is very little downtime.

Unsure quite what to say, but just wishing you some rest/peace/downtime ☺️

I KNOW this is meant to be helpful and I TRULY TRULY appreciate the reply and I think you sound like a lovely kind person, but my mental thread at the moment is so threadbare that I’m afraid I could not help saying out loud ‘Well no shit Sherlock!!’ when I read this.

You are right of course, but it’s not possible at the moment. Because he is a workaholic.

Sorry that came out worse than I meant it @RabbitsRock

I understand the pain.
DS18 and DD8 are at it this morning DD13 left early as they were so focused on eachother her input was being ignored 🤐

I feel for your OP.

The tween age was probably my least favourite stage of parenting so far. It didn't help that in toddler hood through to later primary they had all been largely delightful, so it was bumpy transition. It felt very joyless at times, after the sunshine of the earlier years. They started low-level bickering for the first time, which I found particularly draining.

They are all teens now and it's much better. They've become good company again and we have a lot of fun together although the bloody bickering hasn't stopped yet

Hang in there!

Thank you 💐

Yes I think that’s why I’ve found it extra hard too. They were just the loveliest babies, toddlers, small children etc. Then the oldest hit 12 and everyone changed, seemingly overnight.

I feel every word! Dd shredded my last nerve yesterday and I raised my voice at her….she actually sent me a text to apologise for being rude!

What I find helps is putting a big smile on and talk cheerfully. Hard to do but it does often de-escalate everyone’s emotions.
The other thing is to make sure everyone is getting lots of exercise. All those hormones and emotions need to be burned off.

So you have a DH problem on top of the kids.

You're coming across very defensive and in attack mode all the time. I guess your kids are picking up on this and rage baiting you.

Private school would be a non starter in this house, we can't afford it, end of.

Physical injuries need contact made with school, not hours of pandering at home.

Do they not have their own devices? That could stop any arguments.

It does sound a bit like you react to everything like it's the end of the world and give a deep conversation. Sometimes they need to be told that you haven't got time, it's "not that deep" and when they have a real problem, come back.

Can you book yourself a weekend way? Solo or with friends? It won’t stop the kids being a mare but at least you’ll have renewed vigour for it.

Also, it doesn’t half grind a person down being the emotional punchbag of a few other humans (in my case four kids and a partner). It drags you down eventually, taking on all of their worries and moans and trying to filter the real from the ridiculous.

Night time, stop sitting with them, notebook by the bed for worries and you'll discuss them in the morning when everyone is more rational.

That made me laugh OP. Honestly I think you need to lean into that and find the humour in their absurdity, and comfort in the fact that you are most certainly not alone.

Seriously though, I do absolutely emphasise with the endless worry of not knowing whether, out of the 100 whinges you hear every day, you need to take one of them very seriously. There's no easy answers I don't think, all you can do is have trust in your instincts and keep batting on.

I parenting teens too right now. My advice is to take a massive step backwards are care a lot less about the drama and non problems. And not accept behaviour that creates issues for you. Give them more responsibility and agency

Non of these non problems are your problems.
Perfect your nodding oh dear expression for the friendship drama. Ask them what they intend to do about it.

Give them more responsibility when they muck up the tiny responsibility they currently have. Kid is cross for jumper not being clean because they didn't put it in the laundry basket. That kid is now in charge of washing their clothes

Kids arguing about watching the TV. Tell them to sort it out between themselves quietly or you'll put the tv in the shed for the night.

@Alonebutmarried I have had 4 door knocks whilst writing this with whiny non-problems. are you in bed?? if you are just getting dressed then you are taking ages! get out of the room and sort the problems! the quicker they are sorted, the quicker you can get them off to school!