Struggling with the mental load of parenting tweens. Is this how it is in other families?

[Alonebutmarried]

I am not a single parent, but I parent alone as my husband works away. A lot.

3 children, 13, 10 and 9. In the last 12 months they have turned from a joy to be with, into a bit of a nightmare. I am going to rant a bit about my children in this thread, so if this will upset or trigger you then please read something else for both our sakes.

I cannot deal with the emotions. There are too many of them and they are constant. It’s like living in a drain of negativity and complaining. I can no longer separate to real problems from the moaning.

This morning already - DD10 is in tears because her favourite school jumper is in the wash. She will apparently be teased for wearing a cardigan (despite the fact that at least 50% of the class are wearing them whenever I visit school). If she would get her school things ready the night before as I keep telling them, I could have washed it then, but she won’t. So she’s in tears, moping, glaring at me.

DD9 is in a mood because it’s her turn to feed the guinea pigs (which they all wore me down about and promised they would look after). She is snapping at DS as this is somehow his fault, and just ate the last bagel. She doesn’t like bagels, but he does so she forced it down so he couldn’t have it. I can’t prove this because she claims to now like them (with a smirk).

That is just this morning. In more general terms:

They will not leave me alone. I have had 4 door knocks whilst writing this with whiny non-problems.

They never ever clear up after themselves. I will NOT let this go so it is a constant battle. They then tell their dad that I am making them do all the housework. Nope - just want you to put your own bastard plates away and your own shitting clothes in the washing basket.

There are CONSTANT school dramas from the oldest two. Constant. I dread them coming home tbh. You know - massive fallout with friend who has pushed them over and grazed their arm. Friend is awful, I’m up in arms. Then next day best mates again.

Bedtime is a nightmare because all the emotion comes out. They cannot just be tucked in. They need a detailed 30 minute therapy session each about the days various issues/life in general.

They are spoilt. Many of their problems/moans are just so ridiculous. They do not know they are bloody born.

Night time issues can be ‘I want to go to private school because then I wouldn’t get bullied.’ After 30 minutes unpicking it turns out their friend who goes to private school told them it was really cool, so they’ve exaggerated their normal school bickering to bullying, in order for me to presumably feel sorry for them and send them to private school.

It just goes on and on and I’m finding it exhausting.

This probably won’t even make sense. I am just completely worn down with the angst of these kids and with the best will in the world, it is too much for me. The arguing and door slamming starts fron pretty much the moment they wake up. Before really, because when I wake them up for school they’re furious with me before they even open their eyes.

IAProbablyBU but I am just emotionally exhausted. Is it just me? If not then how do you cope?

I only had two dc but they used to argue and moan about each other all the bloody time so I have sympathy OP. Even when they were old enough to be left at home and I went out for some peace they’d text me about each other 😂
They’ve left home now, and I live a blissfully quiet life…so it does get easier…eventually!

I do have a recollection of escaping to my room with a book for an hour and banning anyone from knocking the door or texting me unless the house was burning down. That used to buy me some time occasionally, just to breathe through it 😂

Just here for a fist bump in solidarity. They are twats aren't they. But they will hopefully grow out of it.

Have you tried “That sounds really hard. What are you thinking of doing about that?”

And also some family meetings about things “I have noticed that the Guinea pigs haven’t been fed for 4 days and I’m worried they will die. Let’s have a meeting and decide what to do about it “. And then don’t speak other than to occasionally say things like “what will the three of you do about that do you think?”

I feel this too, have 3 similar ages. You are not alone. No answers or useful suggestions for dealing with the kids, but try to make time for stuff you enjoy if possible (this may well be without the kids!). This helps me get through the moaning/bickering! This age is so much harder than baby/toddler. Can be fun too though, we take time to do stuff together outdoors, they only moan a little and it’s fun to spend time with them!

One young adult one older teen and one young teen here, so I’m a few years on from you and raging through exam season. You are doing fine. The mental load is a lot. We are only ever as happy as our happiest child and I’m in the thick of hormones, periods, stinky everything, eye rolls, ages in the bathroom, unthinkingness, going out with their friends and not answering their phones, new drivers, boyfriends and girlfriends, 1am homework panics, job and uni applications and interviews, exam stress, endless school open evenings and communications, forgetting everything I’ve ever taught them seemingly, being apparently invincible yet still thinking I can solve all of their problems. Yet I do feel like we are getting something right as they still want to hang out with me, their friends think I’m cool apparently, and we have absolutely zero direct disrespect. Unthinkingness and empathy fails we have but absolutely no rudeness or aggression.

I understand feeling like they all need a therapy session it takes longer to get them to bed than toddlers sometimes and far more intense because you can’t solve the problems.

Here are some things that might help.

asking - is that something you would like me to do something about or are you just venting? Or would you just like to talk about this or would you like me to give you advice?

This I think would help. Introduce the idea of venting to them so they know they can do a little rant at you and let it all out without you having to feel like you have to do something about it/actually really engage with the issue unless it turns out to be a serious one. Then you can ask them if they need to vent about something at other times that aren’t bedtime. Each one of my kids vents at different times pretty reliably. One always vents if I take her out in the car or if we watch a certain favourite sitcom. One talks to me when I style her hair for her. And I go running with the third and all his problems come out then usually on the warm down. At least it means I’m not getting a triple load of 1am problems and I can get other things done at the same time. It also reduces the expectation that you are there to solve problems and it helps them on their way to solutions themselves. Once you know which kid has some kind of problem you can schedule in a venting time for them using the activity that helps them open up and then you get to control the narrative/situation a little more.

I also have shared diaries with each child where if they want to tell me something they write it in our diary and leave it on my dresser, I write somethingback to them and leave it on their beds, and it goes back and forth. Sometimes the things they write are only 1 sentence or a question. But I get things in there that are actually really important (and I can deal with them at a time to suit me)

I have every sympathy with you. It's very hard when there are 3 of them and only one of you.
Regarding the bickering between themselves I decided that it was within the family that they were going to learn how to navigate relationships. I refused to be a referee..If they had a problem my response was"If she started it then you are carrying it on" and "Rise above it". They knew not to bring petty arguments to me. Their irritation with me gave them common ground and overrode their annoyance at each other. They have always been very close.
Change is always difficult and whatever you decide to implement will probably make things worse before they improve. I agree with others that that will grow out of this stage and be lovely again..

It's a transitional age, and I found it hard.

With little children you know exactly what your job is, to be at the centre of their world, make everything is OK, be the fixer of problems. Then with older teens, once again, you know what you have to do: you have to stand back and simply offer guidance and support while they manage their own lives.

With tweens it isn't so clear cut and that leaves you constantly second guessing yourself about how to handle things.

I’ve got a 5 year age gap between my two sets of kids (so I’ve two DD’s 19 and 18 and two DSS’s (13 and 11). It’s made for a lot of tween drama as a near constant level for many years as we have always had one of them kicking up about something. Im very over it at this point.
solidarity OP. It’s shite.

wait? they knock your door?

If my secretary is engaged.

Total sympathy, I have 2 teen girls and their emotions exhaust me. My DH is very present but it’s mummy they always want to confide in. I have quite a stressful job but it’s my girls friendship problems that keep me up at night!

It’s so tough and I am trying to be a bit firmer with them. I have one who indulges in the night time dramatics. I am learning to say “you need to go to bed now, it doesn’t help to keep going over it.”

I also try to remember that I never told my mum anything and we are not particularly close. I hope me and my girls will be close once they get through the dramatic years and make it to adulthood.

You sound lovely and this is the sort of parent I wanted to be.
Thanks for this, I will take it on board and try some of the ideas. Love the diary 💐

Oh god it sounds exhausting and they are so ready for half term. Hormones are raging too.

mine are older now so have survived this. This is what I’d do. In a couple of days when people have rested a bit, had a lie in etc sit them all down for a family meeting. Calmly say - family life is getting stressful have you all any suggestions. And then listen. They are old enough to reflect on how they are behaving and I think them taking some responsibility will help calm them down. A weekly catch up meeting can help especially with older kids as they get to say what they are focused on that week / what’s upset them and then it’s done in one go. Worth a go?

I’d second PP who suggests asking if they are looking for a solution or just want to vent - it’s been a game changer with DD, 9. We still have lots of emotions (the toddler ‘big feelings’ are now bloody massive!) and tears over random shit and she can under breath grumble for England but now I know what she wants from me it’s easier for me to manage my feelings and reactions. FWIW I was struggling with 1, I think you’re a hero for doing it with 3!

Yes

I wish I had some useful advice, but I am rubbish at routines and kids seem to just ignore me a lot of the time. They bickered like you wouldn’t believe, would both want to sit in the exact same spot despite plenty of space etc.

They somehow grew up to be pretty decent adults. Best I’ve got is just keep buggering on.

Unmumsnetty hugs OP, we are in this too.
Last week one of mine left their phone on public transport being distracted dopey and we ended up on a police style chase across a large part of our county to track it down using the FindMyApp. Then complained dinner was late - I nearly blew a fuse!

Itll pass.

I think the best thing is to detatch a bit emotionally. You can hear their problems without taking them on as actual problems, if you see what I mean. A bit like when they are 7 and describing a Minecraft adventure to you and you nod and glaze over. Uh huh, yeah, that sounds difficult, mm hhhm. I think they just need to get it of their chest and have a rant as you have done here, but you don't need to own each problem as an actual issue. I always give it a few days to test how big the issue is (even medical 'problems', which my DD is the Queen of, as they usually go away on their own and ta dah, all is fine after 3 days).

In terms of the cleaning up battle, I think rotas and specific times work better with kids as they 'know their day'. They will still moan (just need to block it out and repeat that they are doing blah blah today. Of course no other child has to do ANYTHING EVER in their homes!). But there is a bit more acceptance with the rota as they know it's coming, especially if it's visibly up somewhere. We have table laying, and clearing/ loading dishwasher on a rota. Clothes go in the wash on Friday night. I have to remind them about 3x on Friday!! If they're not in the wash they don't get washed. They make their own lunch from Y6. They get a monthly allowance and they can use this for food at school if they can't be bothered to make lunch or they can make lunch and save it. They also have some chores but they've gone by the wayside since Easter with exams in the house.

I've also never tolerated whingeing since about 2 because I can't stand it (the whingey voice). They know I don't even hear it if it's said in a whingey tone. If they want something they can ask for it properly. If they're just moaning then, as long as it's in a normal voice, I will listen.

Despite this, my eldest has some SEN and is the most negative person I've ever met. I just have to laugh - internally - at what he comes out with (I'm the most unlucky person in the universe - yeah, lucky you weren't born in Gaza. You have NO IDEA what I've been through - nobody has any idea what someone else has been through). He is very draining but he's 19 now and that's the way he is. The other two are OK (16) and need emotional support at times but not constantly.

I only have one that age but it sounds normal to me - the grousing, the friend drama, the tears, the emotions 😆 Sending you strength and peace vibes OP!

That's hysterical!!

I really really really here you OP down to the absent DH performing Paul from Motherland style ‘oh that sounds really hard babe sorry I’m just here at the pub’ the man who made the mistake of saying about a key school event he’s going to miss tomorrow ‘WHY IS IT NOT IN MY CALENDAR?’ Uh- cos I’m not your PA, I have my own job which I am negotiating my way out of the most toxic team ever like a ninja, the kids are high performing at various activities, some of which require me to volunteer, one of which I was at last night until 9.30, was awoken at 6.30 to write history cheat sheets for child (they don’t knock they wake me by staring intently into my face like a cat or dobby from Harry Potter) who is outstanding at maths but literally terrified of history. So I wrote four cheat sheets on the Black Death, the Magna Carta, Matilda who was almost queen but not and flipping old murder-in-the-cathedral Thomas a becket himself! Before I had got out of bed! Then child said in misery voice of doom in car ‘we’re going to be late’.

Also on my list: toxic line manager who used our last ‘catch-up’ to tell me why he thinks everyone in our team INCLUDING ME is shit, I have more social skills than him (not a high bar) so sat trapped on teams nodding and smiling and saying ‘what an interesting tale’ while writing ‘work notes’ consisting of F off you prick. Toxic team director inventing a lot of bureaucracy and makework (her specialties) for me to do before I escape to another department. Dealing with all the ‘friendliest-people-you’ll-never-be-friends-with’ parents at the kids activity, one of the regulars of whom was having an actual party at her house to which I of course wasn’t invited as I am ‘friendly’ but not ‘friends’ with her (totally fine btw but still galling to drive home past their house and see lots of other people I knows cars lined up there there). The school gate is a minefield, and increasingly I find my top tip is just to surreally detach from everything and just drift along smiling and waving like Kate Middleton and saying ‘really?’ ‘My goodness’ ‘that’s very insightful’ and ‘well, thanks for sharing’ to all conversations.

HEAR you. I HEAR you not here, even spellcheck is against me.

I used to do that ... except there was a time when the hob was on fire and they were scared to knock 😁.... I'm not an ogre, honest!

Oh my god!!!!