Struggling with the mental load of parenting tweens. Is this how it is in other families?

[Alonebutmarried]

I am not a single parent, but I parent alone as my husband works away. A lot.

3 children, 13, 10 and 9. In the last 12 months they have turned from a joy to be with, into a bit of a nightmare. I am going to rant a bit about my children in this thread, so if this will upset or trigger you then please read something else for both our sakes.

I cannot deal with the emotions. There are too many of them and they are constant. It’s like living in a drain of negativity and complaining. I can no longer separate to real problems from the moaning.

This morning already - DD10 is in tears because her favourite school jumper is in the wash. She will apparently be teased for wearing a cardigan (despite the fact that at least 50% of the class are wearing them whenever I visit school). If she would get her school things ready the night before as I keep telling them, I could have washed it then, but she won’t. So she’s in tears, moping, glaring at me.

DD9 is in a mood because it’s her turn to feed the guinea pigs (which they all wore me down about and promised they would look after). She is snapping at DS as this is somehow his fault, and just ate the last bagel. She doesn’t like bagels, but he does so she forced it down so he couldn’t have it. I can’t prove this because she claims to now like them (with a smirk).

That is just this morning. In more general terms:

They will not leave me alone. I have had 4 door knocks whilst writing this with whiny non-problems.

They never ever clear up after themselves. I will NOT let this go so it is a constant battle. They then tell their dad that I am making them do all the housework. Nope - just want you to put your own bastard plates away and your own shitting clothes in the washing basket.

There are CONSTANT school dramas from the oldest two. Constant. I dread them coming home tbh. You know - massive fallout with friend who has pushed them over and grazed their arm. Friend is awful, I’m up in arms. Then next day best mates again.

Bedtime is a nightmare because all the emotion comes out. They cannot just be tucked in. They need a detailed 30 minute therapy session each about the days various issues/life in general.

They are spoilt. Many of their problems/moans are just so ridiculous. They do not know they are bloody born.

Night time issues can be ‘I want to go to private school because then I wouldn’t get bullied.’ After 30 minutes unpicking it turns out their friend who goes to private school told them it was really cool, so they’ve exaggerated their normal school bickering to bullying, in order for me to presumably feel sorry for them and send them to private school.

It just goes on and on and I’m finding it exhausting.

This probably won’t even make sense. I am just completely worn down with the angst of these kids and with the best will in the world, it is too much for me. The arguing and door slamming starts fron pretty much the moment they wake up. Before really, because when I wake them up for school they’re furious with me before they even open their eyes.

IAProbablyBU but I am just emotionally exhausted. Is it just me? If not then how do you cope?

Oh man yep, the switch in gear from when they are primary age and their biggest influence is mum to them then doing the separation thing and their influences being outside of your control.. it’s hard. Much harder for them I think.
they have heaps going on for them at these ages and it’s intense for everyone involved.
the main thing that stands out for me (as I feel it too) is the burnout for you and also the rub with maybe how you expect them to be at this age vs the absolute humaness that they are.
have a look into what you can do to manage yourself first and foremost so that you’re in a position to show both yourself and your kids empathy.
i doubt very much you’re going to like my answer 😂 but ultimately it boils down to the old addage that you can only control yourself and not others so the work has to start there sorry love x

Like a PP said, zone out and you can say "that's not important, i'm not engaging". Not everything is deserving of your headspace, and every so often we need to very firmly say "no, we're not going to discuss that, get over it". Yes you have to make some judgement calls as to what is actually important but quite a long doesn't need long navel gazing. I also don't get involved in sibling battles unless I can see it's getting out of hand. I consider things like the bagel episode things that can pass me by - if I catch one of them in the act of being deliberately mean, they get a loud and public bollocking.

Also no child ever has ever looked after any pets, no matter how much pleading and promising they do. Pets are alway a grown up responsibility in our house, and anything from the kids is a bonus IMO.

My eldest is now 19 and youngest 13, with a 16 year old in the middle.
I found the shift from them being cute, funny, loving and easy enough to cheer up with an ice cream to whiny, difficult, prickly, defensive, argumentative etc incredibly hard. I remember thinking that there was no joy in any of it and felt hard done to…(also because I wasn’t allowed to behave emotionally myself as a child/teen)

My top tips are;
-find something small that soothes you..luxurious bubble bath that you keep under your bed ‘just for you’ for 20 mins of you time..
-have a cut off point with each of them about when they can access you/interrupt you..probably not so much of an issue yet but the teenagers are nocturnal and saw no problem with starting big old conversations at 11pm when I’d be shattered and no good for anything!
-accepting that this is their first experience of being a human and if you’ve done right by them, they will feel all of those big emotions, dramas and fears and want to air them. This is a good thing and you are needed for comfort, not solutions ie you aren’t there to ‘fix’ their woes, just be alongside them as they experience them
-fix in 1-2-1 time where you do something lovely with each of them - you get a different version of them than the bickering, moaning, hormones driven one you get at home in the household
-it’s a joke really about getting a dog because they’re always happy to see you (unlike tweens & teens) but my dog really is a tonic in that sense and gives all of the love and cuddles
-know that like every bit of parenting, this is a chapter and a phase. My eldest is 99% of the time a fantastic human to be around- handles their emotions well, copes, is resilient, practical etc but 5 years ago lived a very different way.

Strength to you!

I got called into my son’s primary school because he had threatened to kill himself. I understood why the school called me in but that was what he was like aged 10 - never knowingly under dramatic. It was exhausting. Ignore, smile, find some me-time. They will get over it and so will you!

Thanks so much for all the solidarity. Nice to know I’m not alone!

@YesHonestly Wafting sage! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh op - your crime is that they were easy before ! Mine have always been delightful little bastards so the tween years were just more of the same. My friends with lovely small kids spent those years looking punch drunk.

re chores - I used to joke it took two years of shouting at children everyday for them to ‘learn’ a chore. So keep going. Now mine are so useful when clearing up that it’s a shocker when they don’t help (just dinner stuff tho).

deffo put yourself first. Three kids and a workaholic DH is A LOT !

@Backupbatterydown🤣🤣🤣 Are you a writer? If not then you should be!
I daren’t ask what a history cheat sheet is but it doesn’t sound fun at 6:30am. Do they really stand staring at you to wake you up?!?!?

That’s so funny I am just in the last 20% of trying to FINISH WRITING A BOOK but they won’t all LEAVE ME ALONE long enough to write it.

Yes! They do! They stand and watch me and often I am trying to pretend to be asleep and then one of them kisses my hand or the other one groans dramatically and thats how i know which one it is. And someone or other is always in my bed! But they are very sweet and I adore them obvs.

ah I have a dramatic tween op, and a negative teen! The teen complains about so much. I listen and sympathise up to a point and then try to divert the topic or point out something positive, and if they keep banging on I do tell them I've heard enough. This is only when something is genuinely a whinge, eg going on about choir cancelled as a teacher is off, but they want to know why and when the teacher is back - no way of knowing! It is hard as she's autistic and does find life hard, but has to accept consequences, eg if you find a subject boring, you still have to study it, so make an effort.

My dramatic Y6 tween can be slightly exhausting as she likes to tell me every little detail and it's not always the best time (ie after school when i'm wfh, bedtime). However, honestly, I feel very lucky she is close enough to tell me all this, and I like hearing about all the dramas with her friends. It's her life at the moment! She is very curious about people and I guess I am too, so I don't mind hearing lengthy stories about a child and their family/friends who I've never met. All I can say is be completely available when you can be - listen fully and show this - and when you do have time/patience, ask about what's happening with x. Show you are listening and then when you don't have time, agree to catch up at a time when you do.

Yes, I'm completely staggered at PP who had siblings who didn't bicker until tweens. I think the first words of mine were part of a squabble.

Just jumping on to say thank you! This is life with tweens summed up and written beautifully ❤️