If I'm not acat person does that make us fundamentally incompatible.

[Icecreamstick]

Stayed over at new man's house.

He has a cat....on the bed.Tbf he did shoo it out of the room when he realised I wasn't loving the idea, but he clearly loves his cat (which is quite sweet) and I'm a bit scared of animals...

I don’t really like animals, very many of my family are actually terrified of cats. Like won’t go inside a house with one. I do think that’s ridiculous but they clearly are afraid and I suppose there is no major need to overcome that fear (if it were dogs it would make more sense to try some kind of therapy as they are bloody everywhere). I don’t mind animals as in would feed them for friends and would not be cruel to them but wouldn’t allow a cat or dog in my house or car - I have walked dogs for friends if they needed help or popped in to feed cats when friends are away for a weekend. I stroke them and speak nicely to them so they hopefully are not freaked out by this weird human who doesn’t think they are all that. Then I wash my hands!

I would rather not date someone with a cat or dog but if they did have one I wouldn’t be prepared to sleep in the same room as it (obviously they can do what they like and I know people love their pets but they are not for me).

My DC love animals but will have to wait until adulthood to own a pet.

You have claws and teeth and germs @Icecreamstick.

On a more serious note play it by ear and see if you warm to the cat. I had animals since an early age and they were very much loved and part of the family so it was different for me.

It's a deal breaker. My cat is right here with me. But I can't stand dogs. It's not going to work.

And humans. They've teeth and germs as well. Claws too if they let their nails get too long...

Yes-you are fundamentally incomparable I'm afraid.
Animal lovers can never be totally happy with people who dislike/fear animals. Animal lovers don't ever change-it's an empathy, caring thing.
sorry-but do both of you a favour & move on.

I'm afraid you won't have any say in how close said cat gets to you.
Cats get a kick out of rubbing up against/sitting on/spreading cat fluff on/staring at you very closely while you are asleep, whether you like them or not. It's particular cat fun if they think you are scared of them.
I'm sure you're a deep down hidden cat worshiper because us cat lovers ( your new man included) would be able to sense if you were a cat hater and wouldn't have given you the time of day. 🐱

Any man in my life has to love my dogs - otherwise it’s a no go!

I’m married to a cat phobe. He told me he’d leave me if I got a cat. 5 cats later he’s still here!
cats are very low maintenance generally. You can live with one and not have much interaction with it really.
Im sure you will soon see the error of your ways and become a cat lover though. They are adorable terrors!

I’m not a fan of cats AT ALL. I’d much rather have a Great Dane taking up my moving space on the bed than a tiny cat (kittens are cute though).
he’s not your guy.

Cats don't lick your face unless they know you extremely well (I had one who used to try to groom me as a teenager when I was upset and then she would get all flustered as my hair was too long )

Don't listen to the people who insist this will happen. It's true that cats often end up winning round the cat-hesitant members of the family but that's because they do it at your pace. If you're actually frightened they are very unlikely to come near you, because cats tend to hide rather than go on the offensive. The annoying/intrusive cat behaviours are reserved for people who will put up with them.

I would give it some time - I used to be nervous around dogs because I couldn't read their body language and therefore they were very unpredictable. The more time I spend around them the more comfortable I get with them.

YANBU if you do decide it is a dealbreaker, but IME fear of animals due to not knowing how to predict what they will do is perfectly rational and goes away once you gain that knowledge.

It would end the relationship for me if someone was afraid of animals and didn’t like my cat.

In your situation, OP, it is a straightforward incompatibility for me.
We are all different. I am not a cat person. Dating someone with a cat for a pet is a solid no go area.

One of our cats licks faces! Mostly just mine and he doesn’t object to me stopping him but he definitely wants to groom me. We’ve had 3 cats that have done it over the years. We have got and had lots of cats though (as we live rurally and the neighbours all know I won’t turn down a feral kitten that’s been found abandoned).

Thing it's not the cat that's going to make it break the relationship as you'll more than likely find yourself bonding with it because cats are hard not to love, the problem is you've already said that you've no intention of committing to a man or living with them, that's something you need to make your boyfriend aware of as long term he may want a life partner rather than a girlfriend that occasionally visits.

Sorry, but it’s obvious how someone can be afraid of a cat. When, especially at night, they get THAT look in their eye and have their equivalent of zoomies…and they run at you. Their claws are quite dangerous.

They also swipe at feet from underneath beds and sofas.

I’m not remotely scared of any dog, but I wouldn’t trust a cat.

OP, the cat on the bed would have grossed me out, but I don’t think it means you’re incompatible (as long as he doesn’t expect you to be its BFF).

He's well aware. I think you'll be surprised how attractive that proposition is to , men and women, once they get past the child rearing stage.

I think cat and I may have come to an arrangement. He walked quietly up to me when BF was making tea, and I was brave and stroked him a bit, then he wandered off.

Later when BF was back in the room cat came to me (not BF, why did that make me happy? 😁) for more fuss and when BF patted his knee for cat to jump up he walked over BF to sit next to (not on) me, and we sat quietly together for quite a while.

I still drew the line at sex with a cat on the bed though 😂

People who have never been around cats often don't realise that cats tend to build very significant bonds with certain people, but rarely all.

We have three - our eldest boy cat is very deeply embedded in a mutual bromance with my OH (I am very much the Spare Human), our youngest boy cat is my little shadow and our middle girl cat is a pragmatist and plays us off against each other depending on who is of more use to her in the immediate moment.

Don't worry about the ear-licking - grooming between cats and humans (cats grooming humans, not humans grooming cats, because that would be weird) tends to be very limited to the Chosen Human only, because cats think humans are actually quite disgusting.

You’d have to ask him but as an animal lover I wouldn’t consider for a minute, dating anyone who didn’t like animals, was scared of them, allergic to them or didn’t want to live with them. It’d absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I struggle to be friends with people who don’t like animals so dating someone who doesn’t would be out of the question.

My partner and I have been together 22 years, never married and never wanted kids and are now past the age of having any at 45 & 51. I can't honestly say I know couples that refuse to live together, I enjoy travelling with my partner, we discuss what we want to do when we retire and how do you make that work if you always need seperate houses to go back to at night.

I did have a a friend once whose partner wouldn't commit fully, they had separate houses and mortgages and he would stay at her house and treat it as a hotel but then go back to his own when he felt like it or when they had a row. She wanted a proper relationship with him and to sell the two houses and get a nicer house together but as the years went on and he wouldn't commit, the relationship just got more volatile. What your partner wants now at the beginning of a relationship might change down the line that's all.

You’re about to embark on a beautiful friendship with this cat. I guarantee you’ll be a cat person, you just don’t know it yet!

Grow up

Oh you'll be fine, the cat will win you round, they're masters at that

DP is a cat person, I am not. I was very clear that I wouldn't want to ever live with a cat when we got together, and DP accepted that. DD, when she turned up, less so.

I finally caved about 5 years ago during COVID, and now we have a cat. Luckily it is a clever cat that understands my limits. It comes on the bed, but never my side. It thinks I'm too stupid to open the food cupboard, so doesn't nag me. And it would never lower itself to shitting inside, so I never have to smell it. We get on reasonably well as a result.

The fucker has taken to getting me out of bed at 5am to let her out though.

You haven't read the update 2 posts before yours? I thought is done very well 😁