im not sure if im hurt or angry or just plain unreasonable

[mazie2024]

a bit of back story. my parents were awful growing up. every kind of abuse bar drugs. because my parents had money it was ignored by familly. it was 95% aimd at me because the familly disliked girls. i now see that as their problem not mine. on my 18th birthday my parents told us that the familly business had gone bankrupt. they owed a lot of money to bad people so we had to leave. my gran paid for the rent on a house. my brother and me went to work full time giving my parents all the money we earnt. told to take out multiple loans for them. the choice to say no wasnt there. it ended up with me in 25k plus in debt. not 1p was mine. my parents moved abroad telling me i wasnt going. this was a huge blessing. my salary was mine! it took me 10 years but i paid back every penny they had had. i got myself on my feet. they call again. its gone wrong. i bail them out with 10k id saved.
the relationship started to go better. they are my parents after all. i wanted to try.
it ended up with them living with me. dad helping around the house (he was now retired as was mum). mum paid for my eldest child to get private medical treatment i couldnt afford (around 3k).
after 5 years they said they wanted to start paying me back as much as they could afford. i took it! i had about 300 per month from them. not a lot considering what id given them and debt i was left in.
they did this because i fell on hard times. i married a man that sold the house id bought and left me homeless and in debt. i know how to choose people haha
5 years later im still not back on my feet. im strugging to find a house. my mum died 2 years ago. dad found out mum had done private pensions for my dad. he will be getting 90+k within the next 6 months. all the way through hed said to my brother and me that we would be given 15k each as a sorry for everything. hed live off the rest (he also gets a state pension and then the monthly private pension).
oh forgot the fact mum had been over paid by the dwp. i was forced to be the executor of her estate. meaning i was liable for her debts. it was 74k. i have 9500 left to pay.im lucky i earn an ok salary through all of this.
my father has said regarding the 15k each i am not getting what my brother is getting because he wants to keep money in his account. im allowed 7k. im at the point of saying pay it off on mums debt and never speak to me again.
its honestly not about the money. he knew i was buying a little field to start again on. its how i started over 20 years ago. he knows its not even close to being enough.
i dont know if im being ungreatful or right to feel so hurt. its nothing to do with the money. its more im feeling like a fool for allowing myself to belive he may do something that was nice. not to look like he was a fantastic father. genuinely nice. my older kids just said told you hed do this

i was forced to be the executor of her estate. meaning i was liable for her debts. it was 74k. i have 9500 left to pay.im lucky i earn an ok salary through all of this

That’s not what it means. An Executor is responsible for administration of debts of the estate from the money within the estate. An Executor is not responsible for paying any debt from their own money if there is not enough within the estate to cover it.

You need legal advice.
I am sorry that all this has happened to you. 💐

It’s reasonable to have your feelings about what’s happened - you’ve lived your life financially entangled with people who haven’t had your best interests at heart. I don’t understand why you were liable for your late mums debts, that’s not what being an executor means.

Going forward I’d detach entirely from my families financial affairs, it sounds like left to your own devices you’re able to earn and pay your way, so that’s what I’d be doing. You’re not responsible for what other adults do financially.

Why are you paying off the debts for your mother ?

Exactly. An executor is just an administrator, not liable for anything. I agree, seek legal advice immediately.

they are in extreme circumstances. i have taken legal advice. in the situation i was left in i have been forced to pay for it.

Kindly OP, I'm sorry all this has happened to you but you do need to take some responsibility here. It sounds like you have enabled them to walk all over you and bleed you dry financially for years. And your still doing it after your mum's death. Being an executor doesn't make you liable to fund debt of the deceased out of your own pocket, this should have been paid from the estate/private pension before it was distributed. It also isn't a mandatory requirement that you are forced into just because you are named as executor, I'm pretty certain you can decline this responsibility.

You could seek legal advice but moving forward I think you should seek some counselling and reevaluate your position in this family. Stop taking on this responsibility and throwing money at them that you can't afford. I don't understand why you keep doing this just to leave yourself with nothing.

sadly in extreme situations the executor can be left to pay debts.

i tried to do that 5 years ago. my parents reported me to social services for drink and drugs. i dont drink or do drugs. my kids told them my grandparents were liars so it was ok. my eldest has mental health issues and cant cope with the situation again
i am very capable of living a sensible normal life. i own property all over europe. im relatively successful without them.

because she had no will and hid things no one knew about. im still finding things now!

the government think mum had over 200k in her estate when she died. when in truth she was in debt for over 25k with 100 in her bank i put there because she didnt want to die in debt. because of the difference i their figures to mine it means im liable for the balace

ive tried that about mums estate. i keep being told its to complex for them. the cab keep signposting me to different people who say the same. ive nearly paid it off so can draw a line in that thankfully.

unfortunately i wasnt left an option but to be executor.
ive said in another reply mum had things hidden in multiple places. ive just found one this week. im about to start looking at what it is. the dwp have a 200k estate when i had the amout of -25k and #100 in her bank id put in days before her death so she didnt die with nothing (her wish).
i have allowed it because when i tried to walk away 5 yeras ago ( i had tried before and had a time when they moved abroad for 10 years) they called social services saying i have a drink and drug addition. i obviously dont have either of those. my older kids told them the truth. mums to tired and always working to do that hahaha

im hoping that the shares ive just found of mums will clear the 9500 balance. im sure theyll come after me for the 25k credit cards and loans she had next.
ive already told my brother i will not be doing it for my father

You have properties all over Europe but struggling to house yourself? Why not sell 1 property or move into one ?

Yes, this makes no sense. The OP can't be an executor, far less have been forced to be one, if her mother didn't have a will, and executors are in no way liable for the debts of their parents, or the people whose wills they are executing.

OP, you need proper legal advice, not the CAB.

But you're not liable for someone else's credit card debt, regardless of whether she's your mother, or someone whose will you're executing! Only you say she had no will, so what are you 'executing'?

Unless you mismanaged the estate or failed to pay taxes on the estate then you can not be held liable. I think you need to get legal advice from a different source than the one you have got.

There's absolutely none of this that makes sense

do yo uknow how much property is in eaastern europe. call what you like. that has zero effect on me. i was venting. thats all.

ive been told i am. and have had to pay it. im over that tbh. that is what it is

they arent worth enough or in the wrong place now. i bought for long term not short term. i do have 2 for sale now. if they sell i obviously will use the money for us. until they do theres nothing more i can do

Executors arent liable for debts, who the fuck told you to pay it?

I'm going to repeat what others have said.

You are not liable for another persons debt.
You can excuse yourself as executor at any time. You have to formally renounce it.

I am assuming you are in England/Wales.

Edit - because she had no will
If there is no will then you are NOT an executor. You need to sue the legal person who gave you wrong legal advice. You did speak to a legal person??

I'm guessing there's something illegal going on here like hidden assests for tax evasion or something. The DWP have got those figures from somewhere and if it is as wrong as you say, surely you would be fighting this tooth and nail rather than laying back and accepting thousands of pounds worth of debt that's allegedly plunging you into poverty. It seems like there has been a deprivation of assets somewhere and there's likely evidence of that. That is probably the only way you would be forced to take on liability.

Sounds totally chaotic.

The only people I have heard of where executors of wills have had to ensure payments have been due to irregularities/fraud etc like not declaring the correct date of the death.

Your upbringing and relationships with your parents was very unhealthy in that you basically had no personal boundaries. You will probably carry this through to relationships were you may have little self worth unless you are helping others. This is unhealthy. You could read about what boundaries are and invest some time into reshaping them as it's never too late. When setting boundaries you choose what or who you will spend your time, energy or money on. This is in your control but to be successful you must believe in self advocacy and frame a positive self image. Try this for starters in the context of Healthy boundaries www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-is-codependency/