MIL asking what our purchases cost!

[JDM625]

DH and I are renovating a derelict house.

MIL previously worked in sales, but nothing to do with renovations or household items! Whenever she sees our new lawn mower, curtains, a mat etc- she asks how much!

No, she is not looking to buy similar! DH and I now avoid mentioning we've bought anything and when asked, don't tell her an amount. I've lived in the UK 20yrs, but was born abroad and find her questioning incredibly rude.

Other than F&*k off, any wording you'd use to tell her its rude and irrelevant what we paid?

China

Unless I'm thinking of buying something similar I am not interested in how much anyone has paid. Some of these replies are very very rude though, and if I was spoken to like that I would be saying so.

This is a very angry response Op.

We had a relative like this. She’s otherwise a lovely woman.

We trained her out if it by a combination of ridiculous answers:

99p
1 million pounds
we swapped the dog for it

And if she still pressed we’d say “why does it matter”. She would usually say “I’m just interested” to which the answer was “it’s well with in our budget so you can rest easy”.

Eventually she stopped asking.

In our case it partly stemmed from the fact that I wouldn’t tell her what my salary was 😆

Asking the price of purchases isn’t considered rude by everyone in the UK. I bet your MIL is intending to be interested and friendly. I don’t mind people asking me. Being constantly horrified at the answer would be annoying though.

Are you suggesting that she comes from the time before money was a thing? 🤣

Really? That's such a standard question for a nosy person, I'd not let it bother me. I have an aunt like this so it just amuses me. Also can't you google it?

My god, this is us.
I think MIL has massive guilt about purchasing but gets over this by really going for it and the whole house is stuffed with multiples. Why have one side table when you can have six.
We buy slowly and then sometimes more expensively, sometimes a steal - no coffee table, couldn't find the right thing, then made one but the varnish was £60 . We confuse her.

They also like to have the 'nicest' things. She is utterly confused that BIL & SIL when they split up paid builders so that work on their new houses happened quickly. They should have suffered more and had slightly shabbier stuff than them, not new and shiny.

I'm with you on this. My family and even friends regularly ask how much things were but it's usually followed with positive comments after like oh you got a bargain or that's a grand price (were N.Ireland). Maybe it's an English thing to consider it rude?

Can anyone explain why asking about the cost is considered rude?
If someone told me they had booked a holiday I could ask where they were going/when they were going/how long they were going for/where they were flying from etc etc, and this would be thought of as showing an interest. However asking the cost of the holiday is considered unacceptable, why is this?

I don’t find it rude tbh, she’s just curious. I wouldn’t feel upset if one of my parents asked those questions. It’s different if every time they asked it was an opportunity to bash you for something.

But what’s interesting about the cost? Unless you are going to buy it.

my mum does a similar thing whenever she sees me in a new item of clothing. She says some kind of variation of “could I wear that” or “ I could wear that” or “would that fit me”. I went to a fancy dress party as a 1920’s flapper , she asked to see the dress , “oh I might borrow that”. No no you wouldn’t you never go out anywhere, you are 83, I am 53 and you have never to my knowledge been to a fancy dress party.

Asking the amount wouldn’t bother me but the other comments would. Why not just be honest?! ‘I don’t like talking about the price I’ve paid for things’ and if she asks why just say ‘I just really don’t’ and move on to ‘do you want a coffee then’ or whatever you can move on with.

Let it wash by. She's not asking your earnings etc. She is just interested in the changed cost of living.
Not worth falling ot over. Just tell her.

I think it can be rude not because of the question but the follow up.
So how much is a drink these days?
£5.00
It's the next bit that will somehow tarnish the experience.
"I'd never pay that" or it's all about the tax or I always take a water bottle
The implication that it's a moral failing or you are gullible and it then pollutes what was a lovely afternoon and you are pleased you are comfortable enough to spend a fiver on a non essential herbal tea and you enjoyed the view in the lovely cafe.

My MIL does this, and without fail her response is always, in a dramatic voice, ‘You’re joking!’ As you can imagine, the faux disbelief and shaking of head, winds me the fuck up. I realised she did this to make me feel bad spending money. She often calls me a snob and Mrs Bucket (who I bloody loved!)
DH also gets very wound up by her so we now have a pact not to share anything about our lives with her. We tell her just the very bare minimum. It’s sad it’s come to this but it’s calmer and more chilled for everyone this way.

I'm Swedish and know a lot about my friends and families finances. I know at least roughly how much they make, what sort of savings they have, pensions etc. It's something that we discuss and share experiences with, especially investments. Contrary to many here I actually think there is value in speaking about salaries, especially if you are in similar fields and seniority. It can help with knowing what is reasonable to ask for.

We don't generally ask about weight though. I think that is more of an east Asian thing. Especially if someone is on the heavier side.

The OP cares. We can care about things that impact others, even if they don’t impact us. If this happened to you repeatedly, it probably would, eventually, ‘ruffle’ you.

I wonder this too - it's an interesting one really.

When people say "because it's none of their business" it makes me think that they haven't really thought about it. As you say, the other questions in your post would be quite acceptable, though also 'none of their business' and also not 'need to know' information.

I do recognise that some people are more sensitive about money and prefer to keep such things 'private'. And, of course, some people think it reflects on them as a person, in some way (so will either be judgy themselves, or think they are being judged by others).

It definitely varies a lot between different people/groups though - the subjecct is definitely not universally 'rude' or taboo.

Interested in the changed cost of living for how long? Surely grasped that things are more expensive some time ago, and shouldn’t have to ask OP how much she paid for everything every time, in order to understand that? Perhaps if she does this with every single person she is around. Otherwise, I think it’s likely just shaming, to make the OP reconsider her spending habits, because most people of that generation (due to many factors) spent considerably less.

How very dare your mil show an interest in your house renovation. She is obviously a narcissist and you should go no contact immediately.

Many people consider it private information that other people don't need to know.

MIL used to do this complete with comments on how much other people had spent on things (nothing we had, just as conversation). And if you didn’t tell her she’d ask where it was from so she could look it up. To tell other people.

i switched tacks a while ago and just give a big smile and say I can’t remember, or it was a gazillion pounds or something else equally silly. Took a little while but she’s given up 😂 and she no longer tells me what what other people (who I’ve never met!) have spent on their latest purchase.

It’s this , it’s asked in order to form a judgement and we don’t like being judged. It also maybe there’s a little something inside us where we don’t think we deserve nice things and the questions surface that feeling.

Maybe because I’m such a seasoned bargain hunter I love telling people what I paid for stuff!

Anyway, my MIL was obsessed with money, but at the same time a bargain hunter too. She’d think nothing of telling us what she paid for anything… either because she was pleased it was a bargain or she wanted to show off her spending power when it wasn’t! Sometimes it was a delightful combination of the two “Look what I got in the sale at Fortnum and Mason”!
She asked us the cost of things we bought, too. It never occurred to me to care.

Why would I not want to say how much I paid for a toaster/sofa/windows/ flooring/wellies? I genuinely don’t understand it. 🤷🏻‍♀️