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Original poster

Torn between being hospitable and not wanting to be taken advantage of..

64 replies

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 16:21

Perhaps I spend too much time on MN, but I am concerned not to fall for a cocklodger.

At the same time, I know I'm in a fortunate position, in that nearing the end of my career I have a comfortable lifestyle without having to work too hard, so I have time and money that BF does not.

I also like being in my own home and enjoy cooking, more than I want to be at BF's or eat out.

So, BF is at my house most evenings (I have no plans to ever live with a man again) and stays over most weekends. During the week he will mostly have eaten at home, so I'm just supplying tea and biscuits etc. At weekends I provide most meals. I enjoy having someone to cook for again (now DC not around) and he enjoys his food. He'll sometimes bring dessert and soft drinks. As a general rule I don't have sweet stuff in the house, so if he wants it he needs to bring it.

Occasionally we'll have a takeaway and he'll pay, although we're both trying to be healthy so that's become less frequent. If we eat out we'll split the bill.

I think this seems OK. I know he's not well off, but he pays his way when we're out and can afford to do nice things with me. I don't want or need money from him and as our finances will never be combined, this is the extent of the impact of his financial situation on me. As the better off "partner", I "should" pay a bit more (or that's what people would think if I were a man?).

Or....am I letting him take advantage of me?

OP posts:
Lookuptotheskies · 15/05/2025 16:24

Overall it sounds okay to me. Has he ever offered to chip in for the meals at the weekend? Or pick up some groceries etc?

Or if you did one weekend a month at his would he then buy the meals you ate at home?

Groceries do add up!

SummertimeFeelingFine · 15/05/2025 16:25

Seems fine to me.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 16:29

Lookuptotheskies · 15/05/2025 16:24

Overall it sounds okay to me. Has he ever offered to chip in for the meals at the weekend? Or pick up some groceries etc?

Or if you did one weekend a month at his would he then buy the meals you ate at home?

Groceries do add up!

Not dinner no, but he will pay for coffee or breakfast for both of us from time to time.

OP posts:
OatFlatWhiteForMe · 15/05/2025 16:34

That’s sounds ok, especially if he’s will cover coffee out or occasional breakfast.

If you feel it’s a lot on you could you suggest he sorts dinner every now and then or have the occasional weekend at his?

ARainyNightInSoho · 15/05/2025 16:37

This seems ok financially. However, you are quite involved in wifey type activities which might not cost much but take up your headspace. You have to plan ahead, think about what he might like, go shopping and cook the meal. etc etc. All he has to do is turn up. That’s what would concern me. Could you get him to be a bit more proactive in the things you do at home? Eg. Ask him to bring a salad without telling him what kind. Make him share the headspace.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 16:38

ARainyNightInSoho · 15/05/2025 16:37

This seems ok financially. However, you are quite involved in wifey type activities which might not cost much but take up your headspace. You have to plan ahead, think about what he might like, go shopping and cook the meal. etc etc. All he has to do is turn up. That’s what would concern me. Could you get him to be a bit more proactive in the things you do at home? Eg. Ask him to bring a salad without telling him what kind. Make him share the headspace.

I am and I'm very aware of that but he is very good at organising things for us to do, both together and with friends. I don't do any of the social wifework.

OP posts:
Atarin · 15/05/2025 16:38

Sounds fine and like it works for the both of you. I’d happily provide dinner if it didn’t mean I had to schlep over to my boyfriend’s house every weekend, I’d much rather be in my own home. It’s not a huge amount more getting things for two instead of one. I’d much prefer to be the host than have to traipse about between homes. Like you I enjoy cooking.

ARainyNightInSoho · 15/05/2025 16:41

Or, pretend to be interested in his favourite dish and claim not to know how to cook it so that he has to get the ingredients and cook it at your house. And, definitely get him to clear up/ do the washing up etc and even if he doesn’t know where to put things don’t step in to do it ‘properly’

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 16:47

ARainyNightInSoho · 15/05/2025 16:41

Or, pretend to be interested in his favourite dish and claim not to know how to cook it so that he has to get the ingredients and cook it at your house. And, definitely get him to clear up/ do the washing up etc and even if he doesn’t know where to put things don’t step in to do it ‘properly’

No, I'm not playing games. If something needs changing, I'll tell him that.

OP posts:
Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:08

I should probably also have said he doesn't drink much, so if we go to a drinking thing he'll drive, but I'll buy the drinks, which is normal in our circle. Driver doesn't buy a drink.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:15

I think that sounds okay, really. Do you think you'll move on to living together?

sesquipedalian · 15/05/2025 17:15

OP, if you’re happy and he’s contributing, then it all seems fine. You cook for him at the weekends, he buys the odd take-away and also puddings and drinks. If you feel that it’s getting too one-sided, then tell him so. If this arrangement works for you, though, that’s fine. The fact that you’ve posted here makes me wonder whether you’re feeling taken advantage of: that you do both the shopping and the cooking. If that’s the case, then say something, or go shopping together and invite him to make a contribution.

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:15

What's his financial situation, OP? Does he have a mortgage or pay rent? Does he enjoy his job?

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:16

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:15

I think that sounds okay, really. Do you think you'll move on to living together?

No. I've been very clear I won't live with (any) man again.

OP posts:
Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:18

sesquipedalian · 15/05/2025 17:15

OP, if you’re happy and he’s contributing, then it all seems fine. You cook for him at the weekends, he buys the odd take-away and also puddings and drinks. If you feel that it’s getting too one-sided, then tell him so. If this arrangement works for you, though, that’s fine. The fact that you’ve posted here makes me wonder whether you’re feeling taken advantage of: that you do both the shopping and the cooking. If that’s the case, then say something, or go shopping together and invite him to make a contribution.

No, I don't feel taken advantage of. I am a bit bothered my how easily I've fallen into wife mode, but I'm embarrasingly enjoying it! It sometimes feels a bit like playing house 😁

I think my concern largely originates from seeing attitudes on here, where women aren't supposed to do anything for men!

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 17:18

I don't know what possible problem you're seeing based on what you've told us?

Unless you want to continue to insist on cooking for him at weekends but charge him?

Is that what you're saying?

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:18

I think the financial difference between you might be more apparent when you both retire. I'm not sure how far off that is, but I imagine that would be the case.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:19

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:15

What's his financial situation, OP? Does he have a mortgage or pay rent? Does he enjoy his job?

He pays rent and is SE, but it's not going as well as it used to since Covid, and he's currently applying for other jobs.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/05/2025 17:21

Sounds grand to me. All the good bits of a relationship without the dirty socks and habits. You could pootle on like that forever and be happy.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:21

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:18

I think the financial difference between you might be more apparent when you both retire. I'm not sure how far off that is, but I imagine that would be the case.

Yes, this is something that has occurred to me too. Although we're only 6m in and retirement is 20 years away for him. I'm a bit older and expect to retire early. I have no expectations that we'll retire together, but plans to do things on my own (as I would have if we hadn't met).

OP posts:
Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:23

gamerchick · 15/05/2025 17:21

Sounds grand to me. All the good bits of a relationship without the dirty socks and habits. You could pootle on like that forever and be happy.

Yes. I mean I don't want to get ahead of myself, but that's what I'm thinking.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 15/05/2025 17:24

Op, if you’re happy with the arrangement and din’t feel taken advantage of, then absolutely no problem! Enjoy your relationship - if it ain’t broke and all that!

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:24

TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 17:18

I don't know what possible problem you're seeing based on what you've told us?

Unless you want to continue to insist on cooking for him at weekends but charge him?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm not going to charge him, but I could ask him to contribute more. I don't especially want to or feel it necessary, I was just contemplating.

OP posts:
Wowitsthunder · 15/05/2025 17:25

I’d be fine with that (not the cooking though.)

TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 17:26

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:24

I'm not going to charge him, but I could ask him to contribute more. I don't especially want to or feel it necessary, I was just contemplating.

Show quote history

Contribute more in what way?