Torn between being hospitable and not wanting to be taken advantage of..

[3pointmountain]

Perhaps I spend too much time on MN, but I am concerned not to fall for a cocklodger.

At the same time, I know I'm in a fortunate position, in that nearing the end of my career I have a comfortable lifestyle without having to work too hard, so I have time and money that BF does not.

I also like being in my own home and enjoy cooking, more than I want to be at BF's or eat out.

So, BF is at my house most evenings (I have no plans to ever live with a man again) and stays over most weekends. During the week he will mostly have eaten at home, so I'm just supplying tea and biscuits etc. At weekends I provide most meals. I enjoy having someone to cook for again (now DC not around) and he enjoys his food. He'll sometimes bring dessert and soft drinks. As a general rule I don't have sweet stuff in the house, so if he wants it he needs to bring it.

Occasionally we'll have a takeaway and he'll pay, although we're both trying to be healthy so that's become less frequent. If we eat out we'll split the bill.

I think this seems OK. I know he's not well off, but he pays his way when we're out and can afford to do nice things with me. I don't want or need money from him and as our finances will never be combined, this is the extent of the impact of his financial situation on me. As the better off "partner", I "should" pay a bit more (or that's what people would think if I were a man?).

Or....am I letting him take advantage of me?

on the face of it, he doesn’t seem to be contributing anything to meals, in that you are buying and preparing meals when you are home but then you share occasional meals out. It would feel fairer if he treated you to a decent meal out occasionally, maybe once a month?

I get he drives but then doesn’t buy drinks. He seems to be letting you’ do more. I’d say he should be putting in a bit more effort.

Well, if I were looking with a purely cynical eye at your set up, I’d say he’s got a very favourable situation — a relationship with a financially secure woman with a nice home where he can spend every evening and stay over all weekends with all cooking done for him, and that is never going to require him to commit financially, cohabit, or via marriage. And with a woman who sounds very aware of her comparative security compared to him, and thinks she should be contributing more, even though she does all the hosting and cooking.

I don’t see a problem 🤷‍♀️

I don't think that you are being taken advantage of and you seem happy with the arrangement. You could always ask him to pick up some groceries or something for dinner on his way over if you like.

I also think the fact that he is actively looking for a new job as SE is not going great is a good sign of his character. I know a few people who are SE and not doing well. They keep moaning but do not do anything proactive.

Yes, he's still making a living but it's not what it was and he can see the writing on the wall. A lot of his clients seem to be taking the work he does as a contractor back in house.

I wouldn’t begrudge half of meals I’m cooking for myself anyway unless I was seriously skint.

Yes, that's the way I see it, and it probably saves me money because the alternative would be to eat out more.

It sounds fine to me.

At weekends I provide most meals

If you’re providing breakfast, lunch and dinners every Saturday and Sunday I think he could at least take you out for dinner on him every 3 or 4 weeks.

No, it's not really as much as that, we're not at home all weekend. We'll probably have one breakfast or one dinner out and he often goes home in the middle of the day, or we'll be busy seperately.

I still think he should pay for dinner once every 3-4 weeks.

How many nights a week does he sleep at yours?

2 or 3

But he doesn't often shower etc here. He'll arrive showered in the evenings, and we usually run first thing, then he'll go home to shower and change and come back later in the day. He doesn't have any "stuff" here.

I see him most days but we don't spend most of the day together iyswim because we have other people to see and things to do.