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Original poster

Torn between being hospitable and not wanting to be taken advantage of..

64 replies

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 16:21

Perhaps I spend too much time on MN, but I am concerned not to fall for a cocklodger.

At the same time, I know I'm in a fortunate position, in that nearing the end of my career I have a comfortable lifestyle without having to work too hard, so I have time and money that BF does not.

I also like being in my own home and enjoy cooking, more than I want to be at BF's or eat out.

So, BF is at my house most evenings (I have no plans to ever live with a man again) and stays over most weekends. During the week he will mostly have eaten at home, so I'm just supplying tea and biscuits etc. At weekends I provide most meals. I enjoy having someone to cook for again (now DC not around) and he enjoys his food. He'll sometimes bring dessert and soft drinks. As a general rule I don't have sweet stuff in the house, so if he wants it he needs to bring it.

Occasionally we'll have a takeaway and he'll pay, although we're both trying to be healthy so that's become less frequent. If we eat out we'll split the bill.

I think this seems OK. I know he's not well off, but he pays his way when we're out and can afford to do nice things with me. I don't want or need money from him and as our finances will never be combined, this is the extent of the impact of his financial situation on me. As the better off "partner", I "should" pay a bit more (or that's what people would think if I were a man?).

Or....am I letting him take advantage of me?

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:26

I have a problem with some people being self employed. It'll be interesting to see whether he works full time for someone else now and how that goes. I think an awful lot of people who are self employed aren't able to work for an employer, either because they want an easier life or because they can't hold on to a job. I've also noticed how many want to do a hobby and call it a job - with so many people it's obvious they aren't going to make any money.

I know you say retirement is a long way off but if in the meantime you want to go off on trips you'll either have to pay for him to go with you or go without him. I think that would lead to all sorts of awkward situations.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:28

TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 17:26

Contribute more in what way?

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Well I could ask him to bring groceries or insist that we spend more time at his. Neither of which particularly suits me.

OP posts:
level13dangerzone · 15/05/2025 17:28

It says ok if you're happy with it... However he should chip in for drinks on a night out- especially as you've said he does alot of organising

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:30

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:26

I have a problem with some people being self employed. It'll be interesting to see whether he works full time for someone else now and how that goes. I think an awful lot of people who are self employed aren't able to work for an employer, either because they want an easier life or because they can't hold on to a job. I've also noticed how many want to do a hobby and call it a job - with so many people it's obvious they aren't going to make any money.

I know you say retirement is a long way off but if in the meantime you want to go off on trips you'll either have to pay for him to go with you or go without him. I think that would lead to all sorts of awkward situations.

I'll go without him (and have). Both of us have solo trips planned in the next few months, as well as some together.

He's very resourceful. He'll be good in lots of different jobs.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:33

He's having half a dozen meals at your house every weekend, presumably - if you do go out I think he should pay for either the meal out or the weekend shop every other week.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 15/05/2025 17:34

gamerchick · 15/05/2025 17:21

Sounds grand to me. All the good bits of a relationship without the dirty socks and habits. You could pootle on like that forever and be happy.

Exactly. If I were no longer married this is exactly how I'd be doing it, and I wouldn't particularly care about things being 'equal' either.

He's not really a cocklodger if he doesn't live with you - he's not eating up all your time, your resources and your happiness and giving fuck all back.

You do what you want for him because you like doing it, and you don't need to answer to anyone about that. All's good and no need to worry.

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:34

What's he like around the house? Does he keep it tidy and clean? Is he always respectful?

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:38

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/05/2025 17:34

What's he like around the house? Does he keep it tidy and clean? Is he always respectful?

He's very respectful, almost to the point where he's a bit repressed. Absolutely no swearing or farting! He's lovely with my parents, who are starting to need some support and with my young adult DC, one of whom has some MH issues, which make him socially challenging.

He makes the tea and leaves the bathroom tidy, he's helped me in the garden when that's what I had planned for the weekend and hes verybhappy to help with errands, but I'd be lying if I said he was generally good around the house. But then that's not his job, as he doesn't live here.

OP posts:
SummertimeFeelingFine · 15/05/2025 17:48

It sounds like there is give and take from both sides.

gamerchick · 15/05/2025 17:49

As long as he knows there will be no moving in under any circumstances. Even if he lose his place for whatever reasons.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:52

gamerchick · 15/05/2025 17:49

As long as he knows there will be no moving in under any circumstances. Even if he lose his place for whatever reasons.

He knows....and for my peace of mind because I know it would be difficult to see him homeless, his parents live locally and have several spare bedrooms 😀

OP posts:
SummertimeFeelingFine · 15/05/2025 17:55

I really think this is the perfect blend of fun, friendship, intimacy and real life. Don't knock it and don't mess with it! It's not broken. 🙂

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:06

SummertimeFeelingFine · 15/05/2025 17:55

I really think this is the perfect blend of fun, friendship, intimacy and real life. Don't knock it and don't mess with it! It's not broken. 🙂

Aww, yes it does feel like that. I think MN has made me paranoid about being taken advantage of by awful men, although actually the ones I know IRL seem pretty decent 😁

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 18:08

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:28

Well I could ask him to bring groceries or insist that we spend more time at his. Neither of which particularly suits me.

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So why would you then? 😳

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:11

TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 18:08

So why would you then? 😳

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I wouldn't really, I was just pondering whether I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of or if I need to change something.

OP posts:
Theyreeatingthedogs · 15/05/2025 18:14

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 17:28

Well I could ask him to bring groceries or insist that we spend more time at his. Neither of which particularly suits me.

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Well don't do it then. Seems like you are both happy with current setup.

CheFaro · 15/05/2025 18:20

It sounds way too much like living together to me, if he’s at your house most evenings and stays over the nights and days every weekend. Not financially, if you’re happy with his contributions, but I wouldn’t be at all happy with someone ‘defaulting’ to my house that much.

CheFaro · 15/05/2025 18:21

I mean, something is clearly not quite working for you, or you wouldn’t have posted.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:23

CheFaro · 15/05/2025 18:21

I mean, something is clearly not quite working for you, or you wouldn’t have posted.

Actually I think it is working for me , but I'm prone to overthinking and MN has me thinking all men are awful, and women need never to give an inch.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 15/05/2025 18:35

The only thing that stuck out is that he's at yours most evenings and most weekends. That's a lot of time together (wouldn't suit me at all, 3 nights max per week or I'd get cranky, I need my space!).

So if you set that up as the habit whilst in the early lovey dovey phase then later wanted to reduce it a bit he might get a bit funny about it. Especially if he's renting, are you sure he's not thinking you might come around to the idea of him moving in eventually, given he's there so much anyway? That would be my only real concern if I was you.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:37

Gerwurtztraminer · 15/05/2025 18:35

The only thing that stuck out is that he's at yours most evenings and most weekends. That's a lot of time together (wouldn't suit me at all, 3 nights max per week or I'd get cranky, I need my space!).

So if you set that up as the habit whilst in the early lovey dovey phase then later wanted to reduce it a bit he might get a bit funny about it. Especially if he's renting, are you sure he's not thinking you might come around to the idea of him moving in eventually, given he's there so much anyway? That would be my only real concern if I was you.

Yes, it is a lot, but at least 3 of those we'll have been out training with others (which is how we met) and he's really only popping in for a cuppa and to watch the news.

OP posts:
Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:39

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:37

Yes, it is a lot, but at least 3 of those we'll have been out training with others (which is how we met) and he's really only popping in for a cuppa and to watch the news.

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I should say we don't always train together. We'll both have been training and then we'll meet up for a cup of tea before bed.

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 18:39

3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:23

Actually I think it is working for me , but I'm prone to overthinking and MN has me thinking all men are awful, and women need never to give an inch.

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Why do you keep blaming Mumsnet?

Surely you have a mind of your own?

It's like you're looking for a 'Mumsnet approved' relationship, which is a bit odd really.

Original poster
3pointmountain · 15/05/2025 18:44

TinyTempest · 15/05/2025 18:39

Why do you keep blaming Mumsnet?

Surely you have a mind of your own?

It's like you're looking for a 'Mumsnet approved' relationship, which is a bit odd really.

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I don't think I'm blaming anyone, but it's MN and some of the views here that have made me question things, in the same way as you might if you had a conversation with a friend who saw things differently to you.

OP posts:
zenai · 15/05/2025 18:44

These set ups can work really well, if it's what both of you are happy with. I am (wait for it...) 30 years in now with my lovely partner. We each own our own homes about half an hour apart. He spends more time in my house than we do at his, but that's not a problem at all, I don't like bachelor pads TBH! We have no intention of living together.

We are both retired now, so go places together and separately. Neither of us has kids so that makes it a bit "cleaner" all round, meaning there are no step children issues, if they exist that is!

Financially we each pay our own way most of the time, it's split more or less down the middle, and why shouldn't it? We each have similar financial resources. He is clean, neat and tidy. I enjoy sitting in the garden whilst he's doing the grass, weeding, cutting back the trees/hedges and so on, whereas I do a lot of the admin, since he's a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to internet technology. So it's more or less 50/50.

It can work out great. Not enough stories out there about the Good Arrangements, so mine is one of them! We do have our arguments/difference of opinions and it's not heaven on earth all the time, but it works.