Embarrassed to go to old friends hen due to ’failing’ at life

[ASDnocareer]

I feel ashamed of how my life turned out, single and no career. Lack of career hurts the most tbh. I’ve not given up with jobhunting but realistically I’ve fallen so far behind people my age.

Meanwhile my childhood friends from my hometown all have great careers and are reaching other milestones (first homes and engagements etc).

I moved to a city, whereas these old friends still live in my hometown. Hence we only meet once a year. It works well, and they probably don’t pity think of me as much.

One friend is now having a posh hen do abroad which she insists I come to. I’m really happy for her but I just feel so embarrassed turning up and seeing all my old hometown friends who’ve suceeded as adults as the only one without a career and single.
They regularly ask if I’m seeing anyone or found a job yet, but I obviously have nothing to update on. I feel like such an outcast, not to mention I’m not sure I can afford a week long hen do in Dubai. I don’t think any of them realise how expensive it is when you are in a low paid role.

She has already said “you have to come, no questions asked” but I really don’t want to spend so much money (I probably don’t have) on something that will make me feel more ashamed.

I’m also scared if I don’t turn up they’ll think I’m rude and bitter. I do feel ashamed about ‘failing’ at life but I genuinely have only wished well for them, and believe they deserve everything they’ve achieved.

We’ve been friends since secondary school

Oh op. There are two separate issues here. Your drastic lack of confidence and self worth (I feel you), and the practicality of this ridiculous hen do. I think you need to separate them out a bit. Clearly your friends love you for who you are, and you should too. But this hen do is over the top and it sounds like it's beyond your budget. That's ok. You can decline and maybe you should, but don't decline because you feel "lesser" somehow - you are not. ❤️

Friends don’t make friends feel unhappy or uncomfortable. Bride sounds like a bitch.

All of this.

Maybe you're trying your hardest but you just can't get the time off, what a bastard boss you have?...

I certainly wouldn’t be doing a week long hen night in Dubai! Honestly, have people lost their minds?
So self absorbed.
I wouldn’t give a shit what these people think. Doesn’t seem like you have a lot in common anymore, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it!

First of all we all reach goals at different times. Or not at all. Or the goals change completely. And that's fine.
You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
If you are seeing these people's lives on social media then take it with a pinch of salt. Nothing is as amazing as it looks on social media.
Relationship can be overrated aswell. It's super old fashioned for them to ask about being single. You don't need a partner to be a complete person.
And let's face it alot of people would be happier single.
But for your own mental health I wouldn't go. It doesn't sound like you will get anything positive out of it. And you are more important then a hen do .

A week in Dubai!
Wow. I’d not be going unless I knew I could spare the money.

A hen do in Dubai?! That’s a definite no. How ridiculous. Don’t beat yourself up, get new friends and be kind to yourself x

You don't have the money to go so don't. As for the rest I don't care whether my friends have succeeded in life, it's just a pleasure to hang out so try to stop thinking about that.

Oh lovely. You are REALLG struggling. I get it. I’m a hot mess compare to most of my peers.

The best advice I can give you is to do what feels right for you with no apologies. And baby steps towards regaling some self confidence in whatever form that may be from basic couch to 5k through to expensive therapy.

I feel for you. BUT you sound a bit sorry for yourself and if (big if) you can afford to go, I definitely would. You’ve got friends begging you to go - some people would give anything for that. I think you should go for several reasons, firstly these girls may have advice or suggestions for you, suggest things you had not thought of when it comes to careers, someone might suggest a job at their place or know someone that needs someone. Secondly after spending a week with them you might learn that things may not be quite as rosey for some of them as you may think. They’ll start moaning about their boyfriends or be super stressed at work.

I just think a week in the sun with girls you’ve known for years will do you the world of good. I also think if you need to tell the odd white lie to make yourself feel better it’s not the end of the world - so you could say ‘I’ve been on a few dates with someone I met online but it’s nothing much.’

Firstly you are absolutely not failing at life. If you feel like this could you consider making gradual adjustments to get your life back on course. Have you read Atomic habits by James clear? It might be of interest.

Secondly, definitely bin off the expensive hen do. Why put yourself through it. Use the money to do something you want to actually do. There’ll be a wedding gift and outfit to pay for soon as well - other peoples weddings can cost a small fortune!

Just say you can't get AL

I agree! Tacky and self-absorbed. What is wrong with brides nowadays? I'm in my late 30s so not long out of peak wedding season with friends getting married and none of us pulled this shit.

Can you tell us something about what you would like to do for a living? What kind of qualifications do you have? What do you do at the moment? I certainly wouldn't go on the holiday. I wouldn't want to go to Dubai anyway and I wouldn't take that comment from the bride either. She hasn't considered you at all and is just thinking of herself

I'm happily married with children and a decent career and if someone told me I "had to" go to her week long hen do in Dubai I would tell her to take a running jump.

I don't know how old you are @ASDnocareer but my DC are 30 and 27. Some of their friends who landed the fabby jobs aged 22 are already changing course.

I look back at my youth and some of the people who were fantastically successful in their 20s/early 30s were on different tracks by mid 30s/40s whilst some of the slow starters were just getting going.

Slow and steady often wins the race and the biggest bite of contentment.

You don't have to go on the hen. You can make your excuses politely and suggest a dinner at another time.

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than spend a week on a hen in Dubai

Well I certainly wouldn’t be going to a week long ‘hen do’ in Dubai so if you don’t want to go to this then just make an excuse.

But - your general feelings around yourself and your life are quite worrying. I wonder if you have a quite set idea of what you think your life should look like, particularly with regard to your career. You seem quite focused on the fact that you ‘should’ be at a particular level or earning a particular amount of money, rather than whether you would actually enjoy doing a particular role. I appreciate if you are living in an expensive city then you need to be earning a decent amount of money to pay for your rent etc but if you aren’t happy, then maybe this isn’t the path for you? I think a lot of people graduate and don’t get the roles they were originally aiming for, but they find something else and they can be happy because there are other things which see important to them.

Perhaps you could try to reconsider how you consider ‘success’ and ‘failure’. Think of the amazing things you have achieved - moving alone to a new city, making new friends. I bet these home town friends actually think you’re quite brave. Try to look at the positives in your life and reframe what success means to you.

Don't go OP you won't enjoy it , sounds like my idea of hell and you're not failing at all

There is no fucking way I would be going to a week long hen do in Dubai. Definitely say no to that one.

success isn’t always following the conventional path. I had kids early and really struggled with others being way ahead in their careers than me. But I’m happy with my choices.

there’s more to life than jobs.

I’ve got what you think you’re lacking ( you’re not) a career , a partner etc. There’s no way I’d go on a week long hen do anywhere let alone Dubai, the thought of it makes me shudder

Side note - dubai is expensive, really expensive.

Im late 30's with a fairly good monthly wage, and theres no way id be able to afford a week long hen do in Dubai. Dont get yourself into debt over this because its just not worth it.
Ive long despised hen do's, but this has got to be one of the worst ive heard of.

Op you will absolutely not be the only one thinking about not going

Not being able to afford a week away for a hen do or not wanting to go is absolutely no reflection on where you are in life

You will just have to be honest and say it’s not affordable for you

you have chosen a different path in life there is no shame to that

A week-long hen do? In Dubai??

Ye Gods. Just say no, and if she gets the arsehole about it tell her that A - you can't afford it, and B - even if you could, you won't go there for ethical reasons.