Embarrassed to go to old friends hen due to ’failing’ at life

[ASDnocareer]

I feel ashamed of how my life turned out, single and no career. Lack of career hurts the most tbh. I’ve not given up with jobhunting but realistically I’ve fallen so far behind people my age.

Meanwhile my childhood friends from my hometown all have great careers and are reaching other milestones (first homes and engagements etc).

I moved to a city, whereas these old friends still live in my hometown. Hence we only meet once a year. It works well, and they probably don’t pity think of me as much.

One friend is now having a posh hen do abroad which she insists I come to. I’m really happy for her but I just feel so embarrassed turning up and seeing all my old hometown friends who’ve suceeded as adults as the only one without a career and single.
They regularly ask if I’m seeing anyone or found a job yet, but I obviously have nothing to update on. I feel like such an outcast, not to mention I’m not sure I can afford a week long hen do in Dubai. I don’t think any of them realise how expensive it is when you are in a low paid role.

She has already said “you have to come, no questions asked” but I really don’t want to spend so much money (I probably don’t have) on something that will make me feel more ashamed.

This is such an unpleasant post. And the undertones of misogyny are more unpleasant still.

Lying to the op (and yourself it sounds like) and saying 'well all of these women's lives are probably totally shit anyway' isn't going to help the op. It's a very bitter, sad and unhelpful mindset to put yourself in.

These are not your only tribe, OP. They are old school friends and that’s about it. It’s nice that they keep in touch but they sound very insular. Also a bit clueless as to what life outside of their circle might look like.
I was absolutely flying in my early years and then a serious illness put a stop to that. All of my friends from school have done so well. However, I do know behind the facade they have the same issues as everyone else. They are woman who are juggling, and don’t live Insta perfect lives, but they also sound like they want to include you which is great.
I am still able to work from home and also get PIP. When the announcements were made about it a few weeks ago I couldn’t sleep for worry. And one of old friends messaged me from a private plane - I kid you not - to tell me she was exhausted, and what had she done in a previous life to deserve it. Not reading the room. But I love this friend and also know that her life is tough in a different way.
You need an extra tribe. People who get to know you as you are now, who enjoys similar things to you. And live nearby, at the very least. Find something locally to join, just do a bit of research, and when you meet some like-minded people you can relax a bit.
And also remember this, while your friends have done well in your eyes, there’s not much adventure in all living together in your hometown. It is not a criticism, it’s exactly what I have done. I reckon they think of you as the adventurous one!
You can still be friends and keep in touch but you need pals who see the real you, too.

TBH even those who can afford it probably have plenty of better uses for that sort of money.
This hen do is definitely at the ludicrous, bridezilla end of the spectrum.
If more people were honest enough to say the couldn’t afford it, or had better uses for that sort of money, maybe these selfishly self-indulgent hens would start to die the death.

You have not failed at your life - you are just living it differently and in your own way.
I moved to a new area twenty plus years ago to a small village which is on the outskirts of the nearest town. DH's kids have grown up in this area and many of their friends went to school together, grew up together and some have even married and had kids together. Very few of them have actually stepped outside and travelled or gone to different cities even for work.
DH's daughter did a stint travelling and working in Australia and one of his sons has, after a failed marriage to a local girl and kids moved to America where he has since remarried and is far happier.
I sometimes find that this lack of adventure in some of these young people is very life limiting. Some have good trades but many have jobs but not things that they are happy to do. They are probably outwardly happy - but are they?
The grass will always look greener from the other side of the fence but it's no reason to diss your own life. Only you can change things if you are unhappy with your life.
As for the hen do - it's up to you. Do you really want to spend a week in Dubai? If you've never been and it's somewhere you have always to travel to - then take the opportunity to go. Do a bit of the tourism thing - you don't have to be with the hens 100% of the time. I have been on a few different hen dos and there is always some bone of contention going on somewhere which causes friction, it doesn't matter if it's an evening or a weekend away.
Being away can make this a hundred times worse - you only see these people once a year, in small doses you have no idea of their true lives. Are they settling because there is nothing better to do? Or that they don't have the courage to break out? To reiterate - you are living your life and they are living theirs - it's the perceptions that are different.

No she doesn't, she sounds like a friend who wants to include OP and have a good time.

"You have to come, no questions asked" to a week in Dubai is a bitch move. Or at least crassly lacking in awareness and empathy.

@DreamTheMoors
@90sbab8

It is possible to be supportive towards the OP without denigrating her friends, who you don’t actually know.

I would definitely not go to a week long hen do in dubai with people that are likely to have way bigger spending budgets than me. Nothing to do with anything else just the cost.

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea

I had friends very similar to @ASDnocareerand found myself in strikingly similar circumstances to her - which is why I spoke up in the first place.
Did the OP ask you to speak to me - as girls so often do in middle school?
Or is it that you think she cannot speak up for herself so you feel compelled to speak for her?
In any event, thank you.

This. That’s just ridiculous.

Save that hens do money for your own wedding or house deposit or holiday.
Madness!

Sorry to hear you feel that way. Look at the positive – you have moved away to a city… that’s a pretty cool and interesting thing to do! Maybe focus on chatting about the fun things available where you live, if they’re all talking a lot about their partners and careers. x

While a week in Dubai may be the norm in their circles, I imagine it is out of reach of the vast majority of average people. So don’t be embarrassed to say you can’t afford it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

A week long hen do in Dubai? Who does your friend think she is? That is utterly ridiculous. Don’t go. I’m almost 100% sure that there will be drop outs from that. There are drops outs from weekends in London! Do not spend your money on that. She sounds like a naval gazing idiot.

You’ll be expected to chip in for her share of nights out as she is the bride, then there will be the cost of attending her wedding as well. Don’t waste money on the hen holiday.

No idea why anyone would ever consider going to a hen do in Dubai. Just say no.

You don’t mention your age, but you still have time to get a ‘good’ career

Most people have about 3 different careers in their lifetime, anyway.

Could you book a session with a careers coach?

Agree with PPs about go to the hen, if you have the money to. Otherwise, your friend should understand.

It's all relative OP, you see yourself as a failure but others might not. People see what they want in others. I had a really stressful job at one point and I became quite jealous of my cousin who had a admin 9 to 5, straightforward predictable job with very little stress. I'll bet it never occurred to her that I would feel that way. I was the first of my gang to buy a house, get married have babies etc and I found it hard down the line when they were all doing these things together but I had moved on, they have memories of single holidays etc when I was living with DH saving for a home, or up all night with a baby. I know these are all choices I made but I'm saying I never felt 'ahead' of these people just at a different stage. Also, this may sound shallow but always feel envious of anyone i know who is slim and elegant regardless of what's going on in their lives, I am short and frumpy and feel unattractive so this for me trumps any kind of career or life success. I am trying to get out of that mindset as its not good for me.

All that said, a week in Dubai for a hen? You must be joking me

Just to add, I do have a decent job but no way would I go on a weeks hen do to Dubai! It's not affordable for lots of people!

If you are not finance well, you do not want to go to Dubai bars😳 Even financially well off are sometimes quite shocked at prices

Just tell her you can't.
Single is not failure. Career can be changed and gained at any age nowadays.
Going at different pace is not a failure

A hen do in Dubai is not my idea of fun. My husband went there for work recently, and was surprised how much more expensive it was than he had expected. And how completely sterile and artificial it felt.

@ChompinCrocodiles It's true though! Lived experience: All of the people who had it all when I was younger have hardly fuck all and are in serious debt now 👍

I understand how you feel. It's hard to be around old friends and to celebrate all their successes and opportunities when you yourself are feeling a bit crap. I suggest not going on this expensive hen-do; it's fine to say you can't afford it. It sounds as if you might need to save that money so you can put it towards your future (maybe retraining? I retrained in my late 20s and used savings to find my rent during the 2 year course). With respect to the old friends, I'm telling myself I should resist the urge to be bitter and to avoid them altogether, as there's a reason we were pals in the first place, and part of the issue is my current state of mind, which will hopefully change. But, I need to try and meet up with them in ways that are not going to depress or bankrupt me.

As an older person (well over 40) life can change on a six pence and people you think are successful can see their whole lives fall apart. If you want to go then go, but it sounds like you don't. I like my friends for who they are not how rich they are what job they have. I would also look at ways to get whatever life you want , it is never too late!

The choice of venue is a niche one and it’s very unusual for a whole group of young women to be able to afford to spend thousands on a hen week. (It will probably be 2k minimum).
Very likely others will also be struggling to afford it whatever they like to pretend. Just tell them you can’t afford it right now but be massively positive about their plans and present to be jealous. They’ll love you for it.