Embarrassed to go to old friends hen due to ’failing’ at life

[ASDnocareer]

I feel ashamed of how my life turned out, single and no career. Lack of career hurts the most tbh. I’ve not given up with jobhunting but realistically I’ve fallen so far behind people my age.

Meanwhile my childhood friends from my hometown all have great careers and are reaching other milestones (first homes and engagements etc).

I moved to a city, whereas these old friends still live in my hometown. Hence we only meet once a year. It works well, and they probably don’t pity think of me as much.

One friend is now having a posh hen do abroad which she insists I come to. I’m really happy for her but I just feel so embarrassed turning up and seeing all my old hometown friends who’ve suceeded as adults as the only one without a career and single.
They regularly ask if I’m seeing anyone or found a job yet, but I obviously have nothing to update on. I feel like such an outcast, not to mention I’m not sure I can afford a week long hen do in Dubai. I don’t think any of them realise how expensive it is when you are in a low paid role.

She has already said “you have to come, no questions asked” but I really don’t want to spend so much money (I probably don’t have) on something that will make me feel more ashamed.

Don’t go x

But you could argue you are the only one brave enough to have moved out to an exciting new city. Maybe they are jealous of you!

And people change jobs sm these days, so careers mean much less than they did. Pl dw x

I have plenty money but I wouldn’t spend a week on a hen in Dubai (where I lived for a while) in a million years. You can’t afford to go, so don’t go. And take other people’s kind advice seriously about your sense of failure.

I wouldn't spend a week in the UAE for many reasons but a week in Dubai for a hen party is the epitome of self absorption.
However I'm missing the point. You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. Life isn't a race. Its ok to not be where you wanted to be or thought you'd be. You'll get there, we all do.

How selfish to choose such an expensive hen do. I wouldn't agree to go.

Week in Dubai is ridiculous for a hen do. Don’t do that. But your life hasn’t turned out like anything yet. Sounds like it’s still early days and no reason to assume the worst or to be comparing yourself, it’s not a race.

It’s so easy to think you’re lacking and I have been there, so solidarity OP. It can look like friends are set with careers and partners but things shift all the time. Just recently a schoolfriend in a 10 year relationship then marriage, both with high salaries, has separated. An acquaintance with a social media packed full of travel and fancy dinners with her husband and a £££ wedding got divorced. I was totally shocked at both (we’re early 30s), they just seemed so settled. It’s so easy to think things are set in stone and other people have everything sorted but things and people change. I don’t think getting divorced is a failure so neither is being single or not being married yet. If they are true friends they won’t care where you’re at and may have their own insecurities.

Ah OP - don't go to this. Is there any part of you likely to enjoy it knowing it will financial cripple you, you don't really want to go, and you're not in the space to deal with them, including hen. She sounds annoying. It's a bit lacking in self awareness to organise a hen do to Dubai and not for one minute think that might be way too much for people to afford.

All it takes is a very firm but kind No....

' Ah that sounds amazing! I would have loved to come but I'm really sad to say that I won't be able to stretch to something like this financially. I would love to celebrate with you back in ( home town) before the big day and we can celebrate your final days of singledom'.

Now this is the perfect type of reply - and you leave NO ROOM for negotiation at all. It's a firm unrelenting no. You don't want to go. If it seemed that you'd probably enjoy it and it wasn't Dubai, I wouldn't be advising you say no. But you don't want to go. So you don't go.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Most people are living in a construct of what they think they should do or what society says. As I have grown in life, I adore my single hood. I look at married women and I feel lucky I'm not in that position. I never share this as no one could accept this truth for many of us women. Don't believe the bullshit.

Your time will come anyway to meet the goals for yourself. In the meantime, you fake it til you make it in all communications. That means ' ah wow that's amazing ' type approach to their good news. Also, don't put yourself down and feed that narrative. You will have qualities way beyond anything many in your group will aspire to have.

I'm sure your friends think you're succeeding at life as you've moved to the city and they're all still stuck in the town they grew up in! But it's not a competition. If you don't want to go on this hen do, or can't afford it, just say you can't go (up to you if you give a reason). All your friends will not have perfect lives all the time.

Me too

How old are you?

Listen, you are on your own path, you have not failed at all. This bossy, shallow bride is nothing. How fucking dare she tell you what to do with such a ridiculous demand. As a pp said, they are probably jealous of you for getting out of home town. All they have is fannying about with stupid wedding rituals. For what it's worth, my career was a mess until my 40s, then solidified. You'll be fine the minute you stop measuring yourself against the losers from your childhood.

How old are you @ASDnocareer?

If you can’t afford it I wouldnt go

A week in Dubaï????

Please don’t fret.

You are good as you are op 💐

Everyone has problems in life.

Some of the folk you perceive to be happily married will be having problems.

Some people with large homes and mortgages will be in debt.

Just stick to your own path, keep going, and hold your head up high,

Life isn’t a competition.

As long as you tread your own path with integrity and honesty, and derive as much pleasure as you can from the good moments, then nothing else matters.

Speaking of honesty, why not say that you are truly touched by your friend’s kind invitation, but you are unable to attend. If she presses you further, simply say that it is not within your financial means currently. If she presses even further just say that sorry, no, it’s not possible and then dont be tempted to fill any silence ….

Btw I know a couple who both married for the first time in their late fifties so if marriage is your goal then it can come later in life.

I would tell my friend that I love her and but I couldn't afford a week in Dubai, but you'd love to treat her to x activity (dinner, whatever) before the wedding.

There isn't just one way to be successful. I have friends with great jobs and great partners but equally I have friends with "great" jobs that are super stressful and "great" partners who have divorced within two years. Maybe they view you having moved away from the hometown as successful. There isn't just one way to live or one path to follow.

Also, at 35 I was still mourning my ex, single and hating my job. By 37 I was married and trying for a baby. Things can change very fast.

That sounds insanely expensive, so if I couldn't afford it I would just say no for that reason. I would find out where they are staying and get the hotel to give them a bottle of champagne on arrival, that would be a lovely gesture. Ideally if there is a Whatsapp group or similar you can decline graciously on that after telling the bride first. I'd see the Dubai thing as a bonus as it gives you the perfect excuse to not go. As PP said I like the idea of lunch or dinner with the bride too. It's fair enough if you're having a slump and not feeling great to not want to go, it would be similar if it were a school reunion type situation.

First of all, they never left your hometown?
That’s successful??
I know those girls. They married the boys who never left my hometown and had kids who never left my hometown. And so on and so on…
They bought tract houses with Formica countertops and bad plumbing.
Second, I’d like to type “a hen week in Dubai” in cringe, but my keyboard doesn’t have that option.
Third, I suspect you’ve allowed these women to intimidate you since you were in middle school - am I correct?
And I suspect they really aren’t your friends, not really, if they think you can tolerate them for anything more than a few minutes when you happen to run into them at the market when you’re home visiting your mum.
A great answer would be ”NO, lol”

Op, the question is do you actually want to go to Dubai?

Every drink will be at least £20. You’ll need lots of dressy clothes, every meal will be £100 and any activities will be 4 times the price at home. It will cost thousands of pounds honestly don’t go. Your career and self esteem need some work. Make sure you are setting aside time to work on both of these. You’ll get there but don’t say yes to the hen do. The additional costs will cripple you

unless you’ve got a good stash of money from somewhere other than a job there’s no way you can afford it anyway. I couldn’t and I have a good ‘career’.
I can guarantee that if they are good friends (and it sounds like they are) they won’t think any less of you for not reaching your goals yet.

I wouldn’t want to go! Not because I don’t want to compare myself but a week in Dubai with ‘friends’ who judge? No thank you!

Honestly, anyone's life can change in an instant. Mine has. So what? I no longer compare myself with other people, I'm on my own life journey, and I'm proud of how I'm handling it. Sod everyone else. If we were all at the exactly the same point in our lives with career, relationships, housing, children, it would be a very boring existence.

Also, a week abroad with people you see once a year, and with whom you have obviously outgrown? Oh heavens no. Find friends where you live, who appreciate you, and start to see this bunch as just people you stay in contact with online. It's time to move on, OP. I bet they are all divorced by 45 too.

I look back at my youth and some of the people who were fantastically successful in their 20s/early 30s were on different tracks by mid 30s/40s whilst some of the slow starters were just getting going.

Bide your time, OP: When your life finally starts happening and gets going, these women will be divorcing, losing their jobs/getting made redundant, maybe having their homes repossessed (or downsizing because they can't afford it), and will be chucked back into the even more brutal dating market in their 40s, but with kids, fading looks, deteriorating bodies and less well off. I always say this: If you get it all young, you'll lose it all young. And if you're feeling "behind" because they're all engaged/planning weddings, have a good look around at their partners- I can bet for sure that none of them are anything special and that these girls are simply settling. They maybe have good jobs and are "stable" and "solid", but nothing special looks/personality wise I bet! Ask yourself "would I want to be with him?". If I ever marry, I will marry because I want to be married to that man, not because he simply showed up at the right time just as all my mates were getting engaged and he had a decent job.

I also moved to a city- no one cares about all of this crap here and people have higher standards. Men, marriage, kids and a boring job is the most exciting thing these small town girls can hope for.

I know those girls. They married the boys who never left my hometown and had kids who never left my hometown. And so on and so on…They bought tract houses with Formica countertops and bad plumbing.

The ones I know bought tacky new builds on the highest mortgage they could get that will heavily decrease in value over time, with a ragnge rover on finance on the drive. And all of their DPs are either arseholes with 80hr pw manual jobs and coke problems, or boring, simple men who couldn't hold a conversation if they tried- and NONE of them attractive, whilst the woman make an effort.... They'll all be bankrupt/ blacklisted and divorced by their 40s 😂

A week long hen do in Dubai sounds fab but is bonkers - it's not just the price of flights and accommodation it's all the extra hen activities on top. Then to pay for a wedding gift, travel home for the wedding (or is it a destination wedding?), new dress etc. All just for one friend (bridezilla?)

Tell them sorry it's just not in your budget. If they get the crank then I'm afraid they're not the good friends you thought they were. You only meet up once a year - so they're old friends not your current friends in your new city life. I bet others will drop out too!