Would you relocate or live in an overcrowded house?

[magpiemagical]

Okay, so we have 2DC and a third on the way (contraceptive failure, it wasn’t meant to happen which I’m only saying because it answers the questions of ‘why did you get pregnant’). The age gap between this DC and others is 8/6 years but same gender as 8yo. Other two DC have different dad (live with me and DH full time apart from EOW). So we have 2 double bedrooms and a tiny, and I mean tiny single room that the 6yo has. DD’s room is an attic room that you cannot put a door in anywhere- we had someone in to look but due to the shape of it and the walls/stairs, it’s not possible to have a door installed so her room is ‘open’. She has stairs but no door at top or bottom so DH and I cannot have her room as our room (our room is the biggest but we’d gladly swap otherwise if it weren’t for the door, we only sleep in our room). DD has a double bed that we’d need to get rid of (in a few years when DC3 would be big enough to sleep on a different floor and through the night etc). DD’s room is impractical because one side of the ceiling slants very low and it’d be hard practically to have two single beds up there without bumping head on ceiling. Anyway, we genuinely cannot afford a 4 bed, prices have shot up here and our (technically 2 bed) was purchased 2 years ago for £175k, a 4 bed is offers over £450k so at least £500k. It’s not feasible for us. 2 beds are cheap here which is what ours is classed as, we might get £200k for it.

DC are both doing really well at school and DD has strong ties to friends and clubs. Our choices are relocate which would be to a whole new place, if we have to move then DH wants a change of scenery to somewhere much more rural. Even if we didn’t relocate that far, there’s nowhere within the local authority we could afford that would maintain DC’s school place. So we’d have to change school regardless if it was 2 miles or 20. DD really doesn’t want to move and has said she’s happy to share her room (in theory!!) but she will be 13 sharing with a 5 year old or 16 sharing with an 8 year old etc. We can’t put a divider up in her room due to ceiling slanting and size.

Would you prioritise DC’s stability and their desires to stay here, or prioritise practicality and uproot them for a more suitable home? There isn’t any middle ground here, those are our choices. So as to not drip feed, I had to uproot them when they were 5/3 to the school they’re currently at so DD has had to readjust and settle into a new school already, although that was really beyond my control.

Could you put a curtain up where a door would go?

Have you got a basement that could be converted as a bedroom or space to add an extra room?

From what you have said, I would not want to create more upheaval for the children, and a time when having another surprise sibling will create that upheaval and change in family dynamics. They are old enough to associate the (negative) change with the baby, and I think that should be avoided.

As you have the bigger room, I would start by having the baby in with you and DH for the first 12 months-ish, and then re-evaluate. You never know if friendships/schools/opportunities change, and at that point DC might be more receptive to a move. If not, and it is still better for your family to stay, then at the time to move children in together, I would look at putting a curtain on DD’d attic room and you and DH moving into that room, and giving DD and the baby the biggest room. As you say you are only there to sleep, but the children will need more room for play and toys.

Can you put a dormer in the attic room? Alter the roofline so the floor space is more usable?

Keep the baby in with you until they are 2-3 years old, as long as you can stand it really. Then you and DH move to the attic room. I couldn’t really understand the door issue. Put up a curtain or just have no door? This is a compromise to make your house work for you so some things are just not going to be ideal.

I would move - your 8yo doesn’t get a say as she’s too young to see the bigger picture and what the long-term impact of staying “put” would mean.

I would stay put for now and reevaluate when DC3 is actually old enough to share. The eldest will be able to have an educated say about what she would prefer. At that point she'd be ready to move to secondary as well so a move might be less disruptive.

I would aim to move when your eldest is in year six, with an eye on what secondary school she can go to. The now six year old can stay at his current primary school and the youngest can start locally.

You can’t have a traditional door but I bet you could have a folding screen door of some sort. You would need to have it made specifically for you. We had one in a quirky little flat we rented when we were first together that was to a storage area. Or the curtain idea is fine.

Have either of you ever lived rurally? I grew up on the edge of a very tiny town, it was just over population limit to be classed as a village, around 8 thousand people. It was open fields for a few miles near us. Loads of kids were bussed in for school. It’s a very different way of life. if you do not have money and live rurally it can be really dreadful.

I wouldn’t uproot the children.

Get a second opinion on the attic, a dormer would be the first option to make it a more useable space for you to eventually move up there. Most things are possible if you throw enough money at it. It would still be cheaper and less disruptive than moving.

Also, if there’s a double bed up there now surely you and dh can sleep up there eventually. You’d need to check the floor load. As adults, you’re less likely to spend time in the room than the kids.

If a doorless room is good enough for your daughter, I don’t see why it isn’t good enough for you? Surely you and her swap rooms and you then divide the big double room when her sibling is old enough to move out of your room.

If the attic room has no door, it won't be long before it isn't suitable for the 8yo if its not suitable for two adults... plus its not legally a bedroom, so you do in fact have a two bedroom house, so a jump to a 4 bedroom would be massive.

I think you need to move.

I know you said these are your only options, but you do have others… on the school issue, once your children are attending a school you don’t have to stay in catchment area, you can move as far as you want and commute.

Would a proper three bed house be affordable? Your current house has one satisfactory bedroom. A house with three proper bedrooms would give more options - there are often threads on here how to maximise space. Perhaps in time you could do a loft conversion add a room when you reach teen years.

on the moving to a new area, it sounds like that is something you are interested in doing as a family. If so, much better to do it sooner, while kids are at primary than secondary when friendships are more fixed and switching schools is harder because of exams/different curriculum etc.

Don’t let your children decide or consult them on whether to move or not, you are the adults. Kids may think they want a say but it is not kind or fair to allow them that responsibility. You and dp decide, then bring the kids along into being ok with what is happening. Teens are different. (Another reason to move now if you want to go far). In primary friendships are fluid, as you have seen. And how far could you go given they have to see their dad.

Could you put a door at the base of the stairs?

@madaboutpurpleno, it’s a first floor flat with an attic conversion.

@PanickingParentno, due to the shape of the stairs/walls, it’s not possible, which is really annoying.

DD’s room is an attic room that you cannot put a door in anywhere- we had someone in to look but due to the shape of it and the walls/stairs, it’s not possible to have a door installed so her room is ‘open’. She has stairs but no door at top or bottom so DH and I cannot have her room as our room (our room is the biggest but we’d gladly swap otherwise if it weren’t for the door, we only sleep in our room)

Why is it fine for her to have a room without a door but you and DH couldn't have one-I don't get this at all?

Are you too far along to have options about this pregnancy? Because it sounds like it's going to significantly impact your existing kids.

@allgrownupnowthank you for your reply. No, even 3 beds are over £385k, so minimum £415k to get an offer accepted. Thank you for food for thought re moving. You’re right re catchment area but there’s nowhere commutable that we can afford.

@SimonjtI’d say that an 8yo doesn’t need the level of privacy that a married couple have. But I would agree that she needs privacy when she’s a teen.

I think if the room is up some stairs I wouldn't mind that it didn't have a door. Being on a different level of the house would add some privacy. If your kids are settled then it would be easier to stay for now. A possible dormer in the roof could add height to the bedroom.

@ViciousCurrentBunperhaps, it’s a small double room though with a heavily slanted ceiling (you can’t stand you straight at one end) so best case scenario, the divider would pretty much be around the bed and that’s all.

We have both lived rurally, DH is from a rural village and much prefers that way of life. Financially we are fine, just can’t afford the houses around here but can in lots of other places. It is buses for high school, there is a local primary.

So it’s actually a one bedroom flat, with a tidy study room and some attic space.

based on that, you probably should move somewhere more affordable.

You’re going to have to get more space at some point. I’d do a big move now, the children will only become more settled as they get older.