Would you relocate or live in an overcrowded house?

[magpiemagical]

Okay, so we have 2DC and a third on the way (contraceptive failure, it wasn’t meant to happen which I’m only saying because it answers the questions of ‘why did you get pregnant’). The age gap between this DC and others is 8/6 years but same gender as 8yo. Other two DC have different dad (live with me and DH full time apart from EOW). So we have 2 double bedrooms and a tiny, and I mean tiny single room that the 6yo has. DD’s room is an attic room that you cannot put a door in anywhere- we had someone in to look but due to the shape of it and the walls/stairs, it’s not possible to have a door installed so her room is ‘open’. She has stairs but no door at top or bottom so DH and I cannot have her room as our room (our room is the biggest but we’d gladly swap otherwise if it weren’t for the door, we only sleep in our room). DD has a double bed that we’d need to get rid of (in a few years when DC3 would be big enough to sleep on a different floor and through the night etc). DD’s room is impractical because one side of the ceiling slants very low and it’d be hard practically to have two single beds up there without bumping head on ceiling. Anyway, we genuinely cannot afford a 4 bed, prices have shot up here and our (technically 2 bed) was purchased 2 years ago for £175k, a 4 bed is offers over £450k so at least £500k. It’s not feasible for us. 2 beds are cheap here which is what ours is classed as, we might get £200k for it.

DC are both doing really well at school and DD has strong ties to friends and clubs. Our choices are relocate which would be to a whole new place, if we have to move then DH wants a change of scenery to somewhere much more rural. Even if we didn’t relocate that far, there’s nowhere within the local authority we could afford that would maintain DC’s school place. So we’d have to change school regardless if it was 2 miles or 20. DD really doesn’t want to move and has said she’s happy to share her room (in theory!!) but she will be 13 sharing with a 5 year old or 16 sharing with an 8 year old etc. We can’t put a divider up in her room due to ceiling slanting and size.

Would you prioritise DC’s stability and their desires to stay here, or prioritise practicality and uproot them for a more suitable home? There isn’t any middle ground here, those are our choices. So as to not drip feed, I had to uproot them when they were 5/3 to the school they’re currently at so DD has had to readjust and settle into a new school already, although that was really beyond my control.

I think your mistake was talking to DD about it - it's not up to her because she's eight years old. You're the parents - you make the decisions and present them as "done". She doesn't get an opinion, as harsh as that sounds.

You have too many people for the property you live in. That's the reality of it. So you need to move. There isn't another realistic option here.

I’ve moved a lot, my oldest went to three primary schools. We’ve emigrated and returned. But we were stable as a family and in your situation I would not move.

I agree that the baby should go in your room with you for at least two years. Everything needs to settle down. There’s been too much upheaval already.

And I think you and your husband should have the upstairs room. Not having it because there is no door isn’t a good enough reason.

What about two sets of thick curtains, top and bottom of the stairs?

I’d move as they are at an age where it’s fairly easy to resettle them. My dc were 8&6 when we moved, was straightforward. Far harder once in secondary school

I'd move. I'd consider a sideways move to a similar sized property with better layout and a garden if you really don't want to leave the area.
If the attic room was a decent room and you had a garden so could fit in a garden pod or extend the property at some point I think you wouldn't feel so overcrowded and you'd have more options re splitting rooms or an extension in future to make the space work for a growing family.
But honestly in your shoes I'd just move areas to get more bang for your buck.

I moved when I was 6 and my brother was 8. I don’t remember being upset at all and settled into my new school easily.
once your older dd sees what she could have in a bigger house, she’ll change her mind!

Would the older kids dad even allow you to move them so far away? Would the oldest perhaps rather live with their dad if you move away so she can stay in her school and with her friends?

The young girl with the step dad has stairs up to her room, the step dad wouldn’t see anything by mistake without going up the stairs. A married couple probably need a door to provide a little bit of sound deadening…

Best option is to move.
Of course you can stay if it's not financially feasible but this will impact your children and it's not really fair on them.
Anyway, your home, your kids, your life I suppose.

@Mauro711he lives 2 hours away by choice. This isn’t any closer or further from him, more of a lateral move. And it’s court ordered custody, he is not capable of having them full time anyway.

I would move. My sister and I have an 8 year age gap and it would have been a disaster sharing.

By 14 your teen will need space to study without having a little sister playing with toys, she also will want to spend time in her room with friends/watching Netflix on a laptop/listening to music when it will be her sister's bedtime.

I'd probably look to move at the point where DD1 is at end of primary and needs more privacy - it's about her needs as well as the baby's; the house just doesn't sound right long-term for your family. I would not move from the outskirts of a major city to a very rural area at that stage though! Just a bit further out for a little more space.

Will DC actually have to move schools if you move? In our (Scottish) LA a move during primary wouldn't mean losing an existing school place. It would however mean you wouldn't be priority for the linked secondary school. Your posts about offers over made it sound as if you might be in Scotland too, so I wonder if it might be the same?

But this eight year old already moves schools and home when she was five. So that’s the most similar age to you moving at six. Now she is moving again at eight.

This, I think reevaluating options in a year is wise. Circumstances change, making big decisions during pregnancy i learnt the hard way is best avoid and to make big decisions during calmer times

It's not ideal, but OP has other children plus herself and her husband to consider. They can't stay put in an unsuitable home on the whim of an 8yo child.

In that case I would move. Go to the area you want to move to with the kids. Show them what life would look like. Let them take their time to get used to the idea, who knows, they might even get excited about the idea.