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Parents - what do you miss about childfree life?

61 replies

Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa · 07/05/2025 10:27

We have been trying to conceive for about 6 months, however have to pause for a few months now for me to have surgery for an issue that can't be left. It's colorectal and will be a miserable although hopefully not too long recovery.

I'm not looking forward to this surgery, am miserable that we have to pause TTC for this, gutted that if I hadn't miscarried in March we'd still be on track for a baby, and am currently in the midst of a painful period (I have endometriosis) so am feeling pretty sorry for myself!

I KNOW that once we successfully conceive and have a child there will be things I miss horribly about our life now and I am really trying to think positively and focus on doing some of that stuff whilst I can (with the realisation that surgery + recovery will throw a spanner in that too, but I have a few weeks til the op).

Things I currently enjoy: exercise (running, swimming, gym), reading, seeing friends, baking, gaming (board games and video games), generally being outside incl with our dog.

Things I've come up with:

  • my family live a few hours away and I'm going to see them between now and surgery as that journey will inevitably become more difficult at some point (hopefully soon!) in our lives and it'll be nice to see them solo
  • enjoy drinking whenever I want to - I barely drink but do enjoy one sometimes!
  • considering booking massage and/or spa type stuff
  • declutter the house!
  • day trips e.g. to the beach with the dog
  • runs and walks (pre surgery) whenever I want with or without the dog
  • steak, cheese, all that stuff
  • book some dates type stuff for husband and I (again pre surgery), dinner, mini golf etc
  • try to break my phone habits...

I suspect this is one of those things that because we want a baby, it's all going to feel a bit empty and pointless, but once we have a baby we will wish we did some of this stuff. We are also going on holiday (not specifically due to this situation) and I generally think that spending quality time together and frankly spending quality time by myself without feeling guilty are probably the two things I'll miss most. But I'd love some opinions!

OP posts:
Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa · 07/05/2025 10:29

Oh - we're also waiting to move house so there's purposefully not much on the list about getting house or garden jobs sorted, otherwise I'd get some decoration etc done!

My friend (2DC) really misses getting her nails done easily so that sort of thing is also an option!

OP posts:
TheNightingalesStarling · 07/05/2025 10:32

Spontaneity.
You can decide to just head out for a drink, or pn holiday, or to the gym, or even just for a walk without having to consult several other peoples schedules.

Sleep.

Scottishgirl85 · 07/05/2025 10:33

3 kids here, and I have done almost nothing for myself in over 10 years. And that's with a wonderful, supportive husband. Stressful job and kids completely consume our lives. It's lovely, but completely indescribable. I don't think anything can prepare you for it. Good luck with surgery and ttc.

Interested in this thread?

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LittleLamb93 · 07/05/2025 10:34

Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa · 07/05/2025 10:29

Oh - we're also waiting to move house so there's purposefully not much on the list about getting house or garden jobs sorted, otherwise I'd get some decoration etc done!

My friend (2DC) really misses getting her nails done easily so that sort of thing is also an option!

We don’t have babies (we will be TTC later this year) but following along as I feel like we will be in a similar boat to you (albeit no surgery - hope that all goes well for you). We are hoping to move this summer and it’s already stressful finding a new home!

My naive self thinks I will maintain some form of free time for myself (nails done, walks with the dog etc). There are two of us so surely we can carve out time! (All the mums eye rolling at my naivety) 😂

YesHonestly · 07/05/2025 10:34

I miss long lie ins and going back to bed with a book and a coffee.

Impromptu meals out or late night trips to the cinema. Visiting a city and having a wander around looking at things I want to look at. Spa days (although I still do those, but I’d do them more often!). Afternoon naps, and gym classes or yoga followed by a swim or sauna.

Good luck with the surgery OP and I hope things get easier for you soon x

BarnacleBeasley · 07/05/2025 10:36

Oh god, yes, we really really miss being able to exercise regularly. I used to run almost every day, and now I'm lucky if I do it once or twice a week, and that's deliberately making time for it. DP would like to swim more. And even if you can carry on doing some of the things you like doing now (running with a buggy from 6 months, going on hikes with the relevant baby carriers & equipment etc.), it's not the same and it's always a smaller, toned-down version that takes epic planning.

Cooking elaborate meals; having more money; getting to spend time together; getting to spend time by yourself.

Ladamesansmerci · 07/05/2025 10:38

I currently have an 11mo.

I miss:
-the ability to come to in my own time in the morning
-lie ins
-being able to save and book fun travel trips like Japan. I think it would be a nightmare with a baby!

FancyCatSlave · 07/05/2025 10:38

Leaving the house without planning, a massive bag of essentials and snacks.

That’s about it for me. I look forward to no longer having to be loaded up like a pack pony all the sodding time (it’s getting better, DD is 5 but we still need snacks and spares).

I don’t miss the old life though. It was fine and I was happy but I wouldn’t swap it.

It helps that DD loves a lie in, she’s happy in bed until 10am at weekends!

TheNightingalesStarling · 07/05/2025 10:39

Id love to do an evening class.

Imicola · 07/05/2025 10:40

Just being able to "be" without questions, needs, responsibilities. Spend a whole day gardening if I want, pop to the pub with DH of an evening, hike up a big mountain... but mainly just the quiet and not being needed and responsible all the time!

BeesTrees · 07/05/2025 10:43

Leaving the house at the moment we decided to - with babies you have to collect bottles, nappies, spare clothes, pram. Inevitably the baby will poo the second you are finally ready to leave.

No little people having tantrums.

Having more money - children are more expensive than you realise.

Not having to do school runs and arranging everything around them.

Going for a walk and dropping into a pub for a meal, then having a few drinks and staying all evening.

Not feeling guilty when I spent money on myself rather than the kids.

Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa · 07/05/2025 10:44

Okay. We are truly shit at being spontaneous 😂 I can't decide whether we therefore won't miss it and don't have to worry too much about that point, or whether we should make an effort to do more now as we won't have the option (or at least it won't be easy!) for ages. I guess a compromise - my husband would look at me like I had two heads if I suggested heading to the pub for a drink (neither us of really drink and we save a lot!) but I should probably notice the spontaneous things I do without even thinking about them (oh, I'm just going for a run after work, fancied a walk so did it, decided to take the dog somewhere different which took longer than a standard walk, nipped out for chocolate, etc). Plus seeing friends lots as they're pretty spread out so that often involves whole days and travel.

Thank you for the well wishes. I shall also enjoy being utterly selfish during surgery recovery - there was a chance I'd have to do this with a small baby and although the surgery will never be fun, this is logically the most sensible way around. I shall lounge and read to my heart's content (until I'm back at work)!

OP posts:
NoThankYouSis · 07/05/2025 10:44

I used to miss being able to walk out of the house in two seconds, alone, without it being a military style operation making sure everyone had been to the toilet, had shoes on, remembered bags etc. But they are teens now so those days are back! I think you need to always keep in mind that even though it might not feel like it sometimes, it’s really only a short few years that children are all consuming, it gets so much easier pretty quickly once they are past the toddler stage!

Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa · 07/05/2025 10:47

NoThankYouSis · 07/05/2025 10:44

I used to miss being able to walk out of the house in two seconds, alone, without it being a military style operation making sure everyone had been to the toilet, had shoes on, remembered bags etc. But they are teens now so those days are back! I think you need to always keep in mind that even though it might not feel like it sometimes, it’s really only a short few years that children are all consuming, it gets so much easier pretty quickly once they are past the toddler stage!

I'm glad it's got easier! Right now I'd give a lot to be in the chaos of the first few years, so it's not really about dreading life during that stage, it's more that if I have to wait longer for it, I might as well try and make the best of a bad situation by appreciating that there are positives to life right now and trying to notice and appreciate them 😊

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 07/05/2025 10:47

Life without planning!

Honestly, I don't really miss much as other than that as I do alot of what I use to before - it just taken planning. Everything has to be scheduled out by now (7 years and 3 kids later), I do have time for myself with exercise a few times a week as well as my DH having is own time. All balanced around the kids activities, school, nursery and I still work 30 hours a week. Its taken us 3 years since having our youngest to finally get to a place where everything is balanced.

I have very supportive parents that although live 2.5 hours away so can't help with the day to day, week to week life, they do have my children for 2, sometimes 3 weeks over the year (usually a half term and 1 or 2 summer holiday week). They also visit every 6 weeks. We try to plan date nights when they are around or the kids are with them. Easter we had about 3 date nights while the kids were with my parents but hadn't had anything since Christmas.

After my miscarriages I took time to do the following which really helped my mind to refocus and rebalance (sounds silly but it did lol) :
Declutter and deep clean the house
Massage/haircut
See friends for coffee / daytime meet ups
Some binge TV days

Lavender14 · 07/05/2025 10:55

Spontaneous living! Being able to go out for a late dinner or go to the cinema easily without having to coordinate weeks in advance for childcare.

Having money to spend as you wish (childcare is crazy expensive where I am in the UK).

Carrying a nice handbag- sounds silly but now I just use a nappy bag instead.

The cost of holidays my 2 yo now costs as much as an adult to take away so being able to go longer haul etc. Plus the actual relaxing on a holiday or being able to do more adventurous things like scuba diving or kayaking etc.

Having a late night and a lie in.

Being able to prioritise each other as a couple- this gets infinitely harder when you have a little person to prioritise.

Being a bit more carefree - i had really bad ppa after having ds and while it's SO much better now, im definitely more anxious about things than i was before. And this has taken a toll on my career.

Being able to work more responsively- my job has a lot of crisis management and evening work and I've had to cut back on what i can do in order to be consistent for ds and i don't feel I'm in a position to progress my career in the same way now. I'm also much more limited in what jobs i can apply for as i need a different work/life balance than i did before.

Lavender14 · 07/05/2025 10:56

And actually seeing my friends in real life. We keep in touch a lot via text and sending each other reels but it's much harder to arrange to meet up in person and I miss that connection with other people.

LavenderBlue19 · 07/05/2025 10:57

Freedom. Not needing to 'do' anything if you don't fancy it. Just doing what you want. Our six year old had a very rare sleepover with grandma last week, and when we finally got up in the morning we both just mooched around because we could. Then we ended up spontaneously going out for lunch somewhere non-child-friendly, just the two of us. Bliss!

I've always been very independent and something I hate about having a young child is always needing to check in with my partner whether I can do something - because obviously one of us needs to be around. It's no problem, we parent very equally and both get time off... but I miss not having to ask permission.

We often ask ourselves why the hell we didn't have more holidays before, given how much free time we had. It didn't feel like it at the time, but my god - you can do anything! Every weekend is free, your annual leave is all your own, and flights to many places aren't that expensive. Go on trips!

But honestly - you can't really explain what it's like to have children to someone who doesn't have them. So don't worry about it, live your life as you want, and I hope it happens for you as soon as is possible.

frozendaisy · 07/05/2025 10:58

We miss lazy Sunday mornings with Sunday papers, coffee, morning sex, long shower, crosswords, wonder for an afternoon wine, easy dinner and just ourselves to get ready for the working week ahead.

On a larger scale, travelling with just two adults, if it goes tits up and it's two adults with credit cards that's a bit of a pain but you are both in it together and can improvise. Not so with children! So the off-plan travelling was out, it just costs more to have more secure hotels, travel options and gold plated insurance!

But on the whole we haven't really felt our children were making us sacrificing anything at all. I mean they are fucking expensive! And it's increasing again now we are looking at driving lessons, university, teenage clothes, shoes and activity choices.

The positives far outweigh the negatives for us. We had two, two years apart, they are both boys, their relationship is so lovely to have watched develop. They are thick as thieves, love each other more than they love anyone else, they bicker, play fight, banter, accommodate, support each other and are each other's biggest cheerleaders. It's comforting knowing they have each other (and long many that continue).

What we gained, once they were old enough, board games for 4, excuses to watch Pixar movies, chasing bubbles round the garden (who doesn't love a bubble), enjoying their reactions when you guide them into sorting out their own ever so important to them (yet in the grand scheme of things trivial to everyone else) problems.

So there isn't really that much time to worry about what you wish you were doing or sacrificing (apart from adult only Sundays).

Whilst you are recovering OP, read all your to-read pile books, watch any adult only films and tv shows, it's a long time Ceebeebees and Pixar, go to places you can't take a buggy, up hills, exposed landscapes, putting suntan lotion on babies and toddlers is a fucking pain in the arse it really is, it's harder to keep them sunproof than rain/wind/cold proof. So do some of the sun things whilst you can.

Go to your local pub in the evenings, if you like a pub drink once in a while, enjoy a sunny evening glass in a pub garden before your operation.

Go to your favourite eatery, with small kids even if they are eatery behaved, they need to go for a wee, or whatever, meals are rarely uninterrupted, so you either don't really eat out, or go to family friendly places, which are great but if you like a fancy meal now and again, well they are not that. You don't really get to "savour" a meal out shall I say.

And a boring one, get any paperwork, photograph albums (digital or printed) sorted out. Shred, digitally file, rename, get things labelled and easy to put your hands on. Otherwise you will end up with a pile of paperwork with the system "I think it's in there somewhere" or "did they email me or you?", it will save you hours if you get a system in place beforehand.

Hope all goes well.

onceuponacloud96 · 07/05/2025 11:00

Sleep! It's the only thing I miss. A guaranteed full night of sleep 😂 everything else has just got better!

LavenderBlue19 · 07/05/2025 11:01

I would definitely recommend getting anything you want done in the house sorted now. We did a lot of work immediately after we moved in, but then I was so sick in pregnancy that some of the stuff we wanted done just didn't happen. It still isn't done nearly seven years later...

LowDownDogStandUpGuy · 07/05/2025 11:01

mine are older (9 and 12) so I now get to be a bit spontaneous, I go to the gym and get plenty of time to myself plus holidays are actually fun now (I found holidays with babies and toddlers utterly hellish) but I still miss the not having to worry about anyone else, it’s constant worry about one thing or another - are they happy? Do they have friends? Was someone mean to them? Am I spending enough quality time with them? Are they eating too much sugar? That’s a weird bruise is it something serious? They are walking to school themselves today did they get there ok?

And on and on.
I get that I am probably just ‘a worrier’.

On a lighter note I miss sitting down to read a book on a Sunday afternoon with a cup of coffee without someone deciding that this is the perfect time to start telling me all about the new Minecraft update.

GroovyChick87 · 07/05/2025 11:03

I can't really remember life before kids to be honest. I was young having my first. But I do remember being able to go out at night and knowing I was on my own time with no responsibilities to come home to.

QueenOfWeeds · 07/05/2025 11:04

Booking travel and not having to worry about seating arrangements/entertainment etc. Even just a long drive to family - stop when you want to, rather than because it’s snack time/nappy change time/they’ve been cooped up for too long.

Being able to linger somewhere eg another drink when you’re out, or read another chapter of your book, rather than dash off on a time limit.

Being able to stay up late at the weekend, knowing the next morning you can sleep in and make up for it. DH and I used to light candles, have a cocktail or two, play a game or just chat but now we feel obliged to go to bed at a sensible time.

Good luck with everything, OP.

eyeswide21 · 07/05/2025 11:05

Someone else has said it but the ability to just "be" - no pressures, no need for attention to be on anything.
We have dogs and love walking and I miss going for long walks and exploring with the dogs. You never know what type of child you'll get and mine doesn't like the carrier or pram for long, so even nipping to the shops is an ordeal and a rush.
Impromptu meals out at the pub, which we didn't do often but now I wish we had!

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