Parents - what do you miss about childfree life?

[Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa]

We have been trying to conceive for about 6 months, however have to pause for a few months now for me to have surgery for an issue that can't be left. It's colorectal and will be a miserable although hopefully not too long recovery.

I'm not looking forward to this surgery, am miserable that we have to pause TTC for this, gutted that if I hadn't miscarried in March we'd still be on track for a baby, and am currently in the midst of a painful period (I have endometriosis) so am feeling pretty sorry for myself!

I KNOW that once we successfully conceive and have a child there will be things I miss horribly about our life now and I am really trying to think positively and focus on doing some of that stuff whilst I can (with the realisation that surgery + recovery will throw a spanner in that too, but I have a few weeks til the op).

Things I currently enjoy: exercise (running, swimming, gym), reading, seeing friends, baking, gaming (board games and video games), generally being outside incl with our dog.

Things I've come up with:

• my family live a few hours away and I'm going to see them between now and surgery as that journey will inevitably become more difficult at some point (hopefully soon!) in our lives and it'll be nice to see them solo
• enjoy drinking whenever I want to - I barely drink but do enjoy one sometimes!
• considering booking massage and/or spa type stuff
• declutter the house!
• day trips e.g. to the beach with the dog
• runs and walks (pre surgery) whenever I want with or without the dog
• steak, cheese, all that stuff
• book some dates type stuff for husband and I (again pre surgery), dinner, mini golf etc
• try to break my phone habits...

I suspect this is one of those things that because we want a baby, it's all going to feel a bit empty and pointless, but once we have a baby we will wish we did some of this stuff. We are also going on holiday (not specifically due to this situation) and I generally think that spending quality time together and frankly spending quality time by myself without feeling guilty are probably the two things I'll miss most. But I'd love some opinions!

My baby is 22 in a few days.
I was one and done had him young pleased i did.
Im not 40 yet and been care free for years.
When he was small i hated the school years so did he. He left at 14 that was that life got better.

being able to just go anywhere whenever i like for as long as i like!

Even with babies/toddlers, life becomes governed by the school calendar.... because in the school holidays, lots of baby activities stop, and everywhere child friendly has lots of school aged children.

Wishing you well and a quick recovery.

I think it changes as the children age. I saw a few Facebook posts recently from when DD was a tiny baby and a toddler. That stage is very different from the teenage angst I'm having to deal with now.

so…
as a baby; the sleep and not having to plan for every scenario just to go to the shop. I remember each night thinking I may not be able to make it through the night as I was physically exhausted. That kind of just carries on until about 8.

at all stages; the freedom. You have to make sure this whole human is fed, has somewhere to stay and is generally well at all times. No holidays - just trips with kids and nothing on the spur of the moment.

it’s just so much pressure and people deal with it in different ways. Some couples don’t make it because it’s just a powder keg of emotion.

Long slow breakfasts. Dh and I used to have a large cheese board and tea/coffee and news papers and just sit there enjoying it for hours.

Not possible with small children (or a cheese obsessed dog)

Oh and nothing is on your time line. It’s all based on what someone else wants and they won’t be telling you politely

Lie ins. A spontaneous evening drink in a pub garden. Lying on the sofa carefree in the evening without thinking about tidying up/ school uniforms etc.

Travelling the way we like without it being child friendly or worry about cost or kids complaining about walking or being bored or hungry. I hate beach holidays & that's what the DC love. I miss adventure & getting to popular attractions early & booking trips on a whim.

Having disposable income.

Having a career where I can take any job I want, be ambitious, rather than what I don't enjoy that is flexible, & go on conferences etc.

Being able to have a hobby rather than drive everyone else to theirs.

Being able to watch an episode of a show uninterrupted. Hasn't happened in years.

Thanks for all the responses. It sounds like the most common themes are: lack of real responsibility, having control over your time and not feeling like you have to check in/fit things around other people's schedules, having freedom of time, money, and energy.

I can try and enjoy having all those things but I suppose that's hard when I (inevitably) take it for granted having not known anything else!

Sounds like I should basically try to plan in more of the things I already enjoy (seeing friends, family, day trips) and frankly just accept that a) we have to pause for now whether I want to or not and b) new baby = bomb to relationship and life no matter what I do or don't do now!

I will still use it as an excuse to book a massage too though I think 😆

Time over I would have no children....literally taken over my life for the last 35 years....they still call numerous times a day, wanting me to sit and talk for hours....split myself into pieces still, jealous of each other , the list goes on....your life changes overnight, expensive, time consuming, mentally challenging......

I rarely hear people say how unrelenting it can be. You’re on call 24/7. Before kids you have privacy and headspace (you don’t even realise you had it until it’s gone). So say, in the morning you have a quiet coffee, or you go to the toilet, or have a lie-in. When you have young children all that off/private time you take for granted is pretty much completely stripped away- mercilessly 😂Your baby does not let you have a sick day and does not pity you! My husband and I were off ill with food poisoning once and he stayed home with us (great). Somehow. I managed to get food poisoning AGAIN later that week and my husband could not call in sick again so quickly. So there I was nursing a baby in one arm, while puking into a pot, and taking care of a toddler. Worst day ever!

3 boys, all grown up now but they still need help & backup! And I'm glad they do.
You can't store up lie-ins & drinks down the pub, though, can you? Is thinking about stuff you'll lose really what you want to do with your last few months of... freedom? Is that really the right word? I'd say this: try not to imagine parenthood primarily as a loss of freedom. When you have children, you're free to hug them anytime you want. They don't mind if you just want to look into their eyes and melt, so you're free to do that. Free to have the oddest conversations with them; free (for a while) to get them clothes they look great in. Free to get them out of the house - even on rainy days - and go on adventures. Free to have fish & chips in the car & steam the windows up; free to read them stories at night; free to dream up silly games, and talk in silly voices.
You can see all the physical malarkey of childcare as a sort of sentence if you want - and of course there will be hard times when it seems exactly like that: when they're ill and you're ill too but still have to look after them, that's a real bummer. But try not to fall into thinking of childcare as 'the tin-hat years' or 'being in the trenches'; it'll just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The thing parents forget is, your kids teach you how to look after them, right from day one. You just have to listen & look, tune in.
Good luck with it all, young children are in so many ways the best human beings. They turn up the contrast on your life, and I wouldn't change a minute of it.

@Indyschoolq that sounds really horrendous! I've got nothing better as a response haha but I'm glad you made it through

@Withyouinamo I'm really not thinking about what I'll lose, I did try to make that clear. I want a child more than anything, but circumstances are preventing that right now. I'm utterly fed up by that fact, in fact I couldn't read most of your post because I KNOW there are huge positives about having children - that's why I want one! - and it's quite upsetting to read your list. There's nothing wrong with trying to look for the positives in my current situation despite wishing it was different! It's almost exactly the opposite of what you're indicating, in fact 😊

Being able to spend a rainy weekend day in bed binge watching stuff online. I miss not being sick every few weeks from whatever plague they've picked up at creche and I miss silence most of all , my son is a chatter box and says mom every 5 seconds. My brain is so tired 😫

Having an evening and leisurely cooking dinner and eating it when I want it.
Not having to get other people to sleep.
Not having to wipe other people's bums.

Wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery. I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. It's really hard when you think "we would be doing X right now".
In terms of our pre-IVF and pre-child life: walking in the Lakes; popping down to the pub for a pint of coke and bag of crisps; regular massages; painting my nails in front of the telly. Not overly interesting, but were all miles easier to just do!

One thing the 4 rounds of IVF gave us was a lot of time to talk and come to agreemeents about things. You are about to throw a grenade (and maybe later another) into your relationship. It's a good idea to iron out all the niggles before you do that, e.g. work out cleaning priorities and mutually agreeable standards, make sure both adults can do all household tasks etc.

Silence is a brilliant one actually @romdowa I get fed up with adults trying to converse with me some days so I'll definitely try and appreciate the silence more 😂

@CurbsideProphet thank you. "Thankfully" it was a very early miscarriage so although it devastated me at the time there hadn't been too much planning and we hadn't told anyone. It's still hard though and I appreciate your message. The next month or so would have been looking very different right now if that pregnancy had stuck, let alone all the years after that!

@Zeitumschaltung I have been thinking we should discuss cleaning/household job type things...it's something we could definitely be better aligned on

Nothing.

Life was boring af before children came along.

My DS is 26 months and 14 weeks pregnant with baby #2....

I miss not having to THINK constantly. What time did he wake up, when did he last eat, when was his bum last done, is he teething, there's a mountain of washing when will it be done.... and I have a really involved active DH.

It's just the mental load of everything is a whole other level. My brain is more tired than my body. I want to be able to enjoy my kids even just for a day whilst someone else takes care of all the "stuff". But even if someone did it I don't think i'd be able to switch off!

I remember when dd was a baby, I walked past a wine bar (that dates me!) and there were two women in work clothes laughing and sharing a bottle of frosty cold white wine. I could have KILLED them!

I have 4 DC. I find it very difficult sometimes, and really, really struggle with the overwhelming-ness of it all sometimes!

I still exercise a lot, probably more than I did pre children, but I absolutely HATE that I basically have to ask for permission now to do anything.

I feel like a child again, restricted by the choices and requirements of other people. I find this so, so hard.

I have been to the cinema once with my husband in 10.5 years. It’s not worth the £40 in babysitting fees to go.

When we were TTC, none of these things seemed significant as the accumulative effect was not able to be calculated, but now, over 10 years on, it can feel suffocating.

if i could reverse this is what I would do, in no particular order:

day drinking
dancing
a spontaneous mini break (book Thursday, leave Friday)
go to a music festival
have brunch somewhere fancy
evening class relating to a hobby or interest
listen to my music around the house while doing chores

I would also love to not know on Monday what I'm having for dinner on a Wednesday, and so on.

I’m coming out the other side of raising children. I now enjoying being able to go away when I want to, not just around school holidays. Quiet house when they are all out and about. Having nicer things (breakables) as they are less likely to get damaged. Having the house how I want, not strewn with toys and school clutter. Being able to spend money on myself rather than focusing on what the children want or need (it becomes automatic). Being able to get up and do what I want on my days off.

It is easy to lose your own needs in the chaos of raising young children. They need you constantly in the early years then as they go to school there are outside demands from their school based lives.

I wouldn’t have changed it. I’ve loved raising children but I’m especially appreciating the adults they have become and enjoying having time for me again.