"I only like my own kids"

[tortoisewoman]

I've heard quite a few people, both in real life and on Mumsnet, say they don't like spending time with other people's children, only their own, with the general consensus being that kids are annoying, snotty, boring, etc. and only tolerable if they're your own. Since I don't personally feel this way about children, I don't understand why someone would have kids if they feel this way about children.

If you're the kind of person who says they don't like other people's children, have you always felt that way? If so, how did you decide to have children? If not, why did your opinion change? No judgement, just curiosity.

Cat tax.

I hadn't ever held a baby until I had my own. I didn't know many young children at all, other than very very superficially. They were nice and cute enough, but to my childless self they were extremely needy and demanding and impolite and self-centered (I didn't know children are those things with just cause and more than a little entitlement). I suppose I just didn't have any experience of children at all, other than from when I was one myself.

Deciding to have the second after I'd had the first was easy.

Deciding to have the first was a combination of raging hormones, a sense of inevitability (I suppose a man would call it his primordial need to procreate - it wasn't a societal "oh this is what I need to do next because that's what women do", it was much closer to a desire to replicate my DNA (not that exactly, I'm not that arrogant), but a biological urge that was distinct and separate from the urge to carry a baby through pregnancy and birth and nurture it beyond (which I also had)), curiosity, a new frontier to explore having already become successfully established in career, relationship and home.

This.

However as my children have become mid to late teens I tolerate being around their friends FAR better. They are interesting and I enjoy listening to their perspectives and opinions.

Yep.me too. Once I had my own all your mental and physical energy is used up on your own kids that you just don't have time for others. I also feel that it's maybe an instinct that you are drawn to your own kids.

@tortoisewoman I think my dh had the view that children would enhance our lives. He was raised in a family where children are adored and seen as the biggest blessing, so I think that influenced things too. I guess he made me feel like we'd regret it if we didn't have a family (or at least try).

As for my mum, she definitely has a preference for her own children over her grandchildren. We're still her priority (which I quite like!) but she is a loving grandmother. If I'm honest though, she does seem to 'prefer' the grandchildren who she feels are most like her own children. She's not upsettingly blatant about it, but I can notice it. If I joke about her having favourites she'll deny it but say that they just remind her so much of one of us (her kids) and it makes her feel nostalgic. I guess I can see how that can happen.

Thank you for such a detailed reply. I also have this biological urge to have children, but I thought that might be linked to the fact that I genuinely like most kids (little terrors aside) and am looking forward to devoting a lot of my time to looking after and raising children. I can't imagine not really knowing about or liking children and still feeling the pull! Humans are weird, but I guess it makes sense biologically.

They're just tiny people. Some you like and some not so much.

Yes also feel this, roughly speaking. Though I see other people with their children, and understand they feel about their children as I do mine, and feel a sense of warmth. But still don't want to spend time with their children!

But children are just young people. It’s like saying you don’t like people.

@Aria2015 I think my dh had the view that children would enhance our lives. He was raised in a family where children are adored and seen as the biggest blessing, so I think that influenced things too. I guess he made me feel like we'd regret it if we didn't have a family (or at least try).

Did you not think having children would enhance your lives? If so, how did you justify it to yourself? (Sorry, aware I'm being a bit clinical about all of this)

Hmm for me I’m not sure if it’s just about behaviour though. Kids are hard work. So when previously I’ve been around kids before having my own and was constantly asked ‘open this’ ‘come here / do this with me’ it felt like a chore. Even now when I help my friends / family with their kids and I have to feed them, entertain them it feels like work. Whereas with my own, it’s hard to explain - it doesn’t feel like I’m doing a job.

And yes my children are not the ones allowed to scream and shout just because and being a boy wasn’t an excuse for just being feral. We didn’t tinkly laugh at poor behaviour.

It is, hands down, the most fulfilling and rewarding and hard thing I've ever done in my life. It's a private boundless joy. Good luck to you!

I loved children until I had my own 🤣 now I’m just burnt out from them so I definitely don’t have any tolerance for other peoples children. Apart from the children I work with.

I wonder if we often surround ourselves with people who parent their children like we do ourselves.

Hence the annoyance at other people’s kids is probably we get annoyed how other people have chose to parent them = annoying kids.

Actually, it’s probably because I get the reward from them - the love, the cuddles, they entertain me back. Guess you don’t get that from others’ kids.

I don't think my mum really liked other children, just me and my sibling. So I never expected to like other people's children much, but did expect to like my own. So that didn't put me off having them.

I honestly felt a bit sorry for other people whenever they had another baby, as they would never get to experience the awesomeness of having my children.

Most other children are either poorly behaved or dull. Presumably I don't think that about my own children because I tolerate the poor behaviours that I choose to, just like other parents. And children will have the most interesting conversations with those closest to them, but also dull parents probably have dull children and don't notice that the conversation lacks spark.

What we value in our children is also a reflection of ourselves. I obviously value interesting conversations, but other parents may be more interested in their child being sporty or helping with housework.

Why is it okay for you to "really like children" as a blanket statement but not okay for someone else to "dislike children" as a blanket statement?

I've got 3 and find other people's kids extremely boring and usually pretty annoying. Mine can also be boring and annoying but I love them so I have to tolerate that. I didn't feel this way before having children, it's since I've become a parent and gotten older/less tolerant. I think if I'd never liked them I might not have had any.

@tortoisewoman honestly, when I thought about having children, all I could see were the negatives - loss of sleep, freedom, less money, less spontaneity and I was really worried it would mess up my relationship with dh. That's why I dragged my feet for a few years, but as I got a bit older and a few friends had babies, I guess I got curious about what it would be like and started to wonder if I'd regret not doing it (dh was convinced we would be).

I think the fact that I'd considered all the negatives so seriously actually helped me though. I didn't have unrealistic expectations that I've seen some people have. That meant that I was pleasantly surprised when all the positives of having children (that I hadn't considered) happened and in the end, they far outweighed all the negatives I'd been worried about. So I just felt relief and happy that I'd taken the plunge.

@Aria2015 This is why pessimism can be useful sometimes! I'm glad it worked out for you 😊

Good question. My instinct is to say that positivity is generally better than negativity, especially when it comes to essentially passing judgement on a large group of people. It feels more wrong to say you blanket dislike a large group, whereas saying you blanket like a large group doesn't. Especially when popular culture is a bit anti-child in my view.

I have never been the type that goes squishy over babies. Other people's babies all look the same to me. I never considered myself particularly "maternal".

However, I always knew I wanted children. I think it's that sense of feeling, "there must be more to life than just this" - climbing the greasy pole and wanting more and more materialistic things.

I was terrified of having my first child, but took to it like a duck to water. I enjoyed their childhoods and the adventures we got up to, but I guess nobody else is that interested in your child(ren) aside from their other parent and their grandparents. I'm simply not interested in hearing about how friend 1's child is doing in school, or what they've got up to, I'm friends with my friends because of who they are, not because of their children. The competitive parenting at the school gate really got to me as well.

That said, in my middle-age some of the most selfish people I know are those who have never had children. They simply don't understand the depth of love you feel for your own child. They don't understand the sacrifices you will make for your child and they have no empathy for parents struggling at eg airports, or trying to keep their children under control in public.

Whilst I dislike spending time around children who are screaming or not "behaving nicely" in adult environments eg when you go out for a Sunday meal, I do understand the struggle of the parents and I would never judge them.

Other people's teenagers however are a delight in comparison to my own at that stage. Thankfully mine have worked through it now and are delightful young adults I thoroughly enjoy spending time with.

Did you have a name change fail in the post I quoted?

Either way, either children have enough in common that you can make the blanket statement "I like this subset of humans" or "I don't like this subset of humans" or they are so individual that neither statement can be reasonable.

OK op what it is you like about other people's children?

Children are not difference to strangers in an adult sense i can't say I like every person i meet young or old so I don't see why i would automatically like all children

When I get to know children I like some and not others same as adults

Why do you expect everyone to like children?