My Mum won't help anymore

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Name changed for this as I am aware I sound pathetic

I have very bad health anxiety, to the point that I have been unable to cope recently as I am scared about some symptoms. I do have a Dr's appointment this week to talk about them and how bad my anxiety is.

My Mum has always been a bit of a crutch for me, she's very reassuring and has always reassured me about my health worries, I text her when I'm having a wobble or go and see her and she has been there for me.

She has now said I have to learn to cope on my own, as she's not going to be around forever (she's in her 70's and I'm in my 40's). I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, I am really not coping this week as I'm so scared my symptoms are something bad and I'm going to die. FWIW the symptoms I have can also be caused by anxiety but my stupid anxious brain has linked them to cancer.

Anyway, I just wondered how others cope and don't worry themselves sick when they have upcoming medical appointments? My DH, who is also very good with me, says he just doesn't worry - which isn't helpful. DM says there's no point in worrying as it doesn't change anything, but I don't find that helpful!

I'm waking up early panicking about dying, I am having to force myself to eat as I'm so scared and I just want to sleep. I feel fine once I've had a drink - but I refuse to go down that slippery slope! Any advice would be much appreciated, I know it's pathetic to rely on your Mum in your 40's so please don't kick me when I'm down.

I may be completely wrong in my thinking but I'd take my thoughts to that worst case scenario and know I'd be able to deal with it. I know because I have a life limiting condition.

I think your only option is to talk this worry through with a professional (maybe a G.P or you could look at a counsellor). There is no use telling you 'just not to worry' because it would be the same as telling someone afraid of spiders 'it won't hurt you'. Irrational worry is just that...irrational, and knowing it is irrational won't change it.
I understand how you have looked to your mum for so long to help you, when you have felt the obsessive worries rise up within you, she has represented something tangible that you can rely on. However, I also understand that she needs to step back from that, and that you need a long term strategy for your anxiety. I doubt this strategy can be found on MN tbh, so I'd definitely encourage you to speak to someone about it.
Short term: If you have an appointment on the horizon, then contact the Samaritans, they are a wonderful charity and will listen to your worries.
Long term: Mind have some advice on their website about coping with anxiety, but you shouldn't feel like you have to 'do this yourself'. There are no medals awarded for people who managed mental wellbeing on their own. Instead, seek professional support and look for a long term solution.
xx

@EllasNonny thank you for replying. I'm sorry to hear you have a life limiting condition, I think you're very brave in your thinking!

I probably should have mentioned, I have 2 DC's, one of whom is very reliant on me as they have ASD. So whilst I am not bothered about dying from my perspective, I wouldn't want to leave them, I don't know how my DC would cope. I am not with their Dad.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. It's hard that she doesn't want to help but it sounds like she can see that you need more actual support than just constant reassurance because you are still worrying so much even with reassurance. Hopefully your GP can help with some medication or therapy so that you can reduce your anxiety. It's so hard to live with.

What scares you about dying? I ask because I'm not scared of it at all. It's part of life. I'd hate to live forever and see where this world ends up.

If it's being dead that scares you, either you won't know anything about it or there will be something better than this life. If it's long drawn out suffering, there's plenty that can be done these days to ensure a relatively peaceful decline and passing.

Fear thrives on circular thoughts that don't actually get to the root. Try looking ar what you're afraid of and addressing that. Medication may help in the short term. Perhaps cbt to look at your thoughts. There's plenty of meditations for anxiety on insight timer and you tube which may also help.

Your mum is being very sensible. She has clearly been a real source of support but she doesn't want you to depend on her when her time is limited. She's acting out of love by forcing you to address your anxiety.

Thank you for the lovely replies so far.

I am on medication but it doesn't seem to be helping, perhaps I need a change.

I am going to tell the GP how hard I am finding it at the moment and how I need help coping. I just feel pathetic, like a failure to my children. I try and hide it from them, I'm happy at home and don't let them hear me discuss anything with anyone but I'm not naive enough to think they don't know their Mum is not 100% and I dont want to cause them any issues either!

@Idontknowhatnametochoose it's not the being dead, it's the process of dying - how horrible that might be and seeing the grief of my DC as I was declining, knowing I'm not going to be there

It makes me cry just typing it out

OK. I understand those are horrible thoughts but bear in mind that humanity has dealt with these scenarios since the dawn of time. Kids are resilient with the right support. People get through stuff like this. It's painful but you feel the pain and come through the other side. I know because I have with both parents, albeit not as a child but I know children who have.

As you're a single mum, do you have an idea who would care for your dc in the event of your sickness or death? Can you make a will?

There's much we can't control but we are all in the same boat with that.

@Idontknowhatnametochoose the kids would end up going to their Dad I imagine, one of them sees him regularly but the other doesn't as she struggles being away from me and it's her I really worry about

I know my Mum and Dad would be involved for as long as they could

I am married, my DH is not the kids Dad but he would step up if I was ill and do what he could

Thank you for the reassurance around the DC's, I wouldn't want them to go through it but you're right, children do so all the time. I'm very sorry to hear you have lost both your parents.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it

It may not feel like it, but your mother is actually helping you.

You know you need to have control over your irrational fears. The practices you're adopting by giving on to your irrational fears are actually harming you. Not eating is harming you. Drinking alcohol is harming you.

Listen to the doctor. Take back control.

The thing with health anxiety is that it's often relatively easy to pinpoint the reason why it started and therefore undo the belief or faulty thought pattern that caused it. It could be something obvious like a beloved grandparent either dying suddenly or you being aware of them being ill and subsequently passing away.

It's certainly not a fear you were born with so it is reversible.

I understand the anxiety, here is how I deal with it. Do the things that are in your control and then (perhaps with the help of professionals ) start letting go of the rest.
Put practical things in place (e.g. get your paperwork in order).

As to less worrying- I’d really suggest a book/ program on meditation and doing that daily. It doesn’t change things on the first day, or week, but if you stick with it, it will change your approach profoundly for the better.

Have a look at The Work by Byron Katie on you tube.

It is a very helpful technique to use with worrying thoughts and although it takes a bit of practice and getting your head around it,

if you get the worksheets and follow along the you tube videos while putting your worrying thoughts in on your worksheet while listening to the coaching that the you tube person is getting..it helps you figure it all out

If you think of it rationally the likelihood of you dying and leaving young DC is very low . It is not the normal way . Your own mother is still alive at 70 and so might you be . The fear of the unknown and lack of control is indeed very frightening. Maybe channel that feeling in doing the most you can to keep yourself healthy both physically and emotionally. Seek help for both.

So already you are starting to get a grip OP.

Your DMum has done the exact right thing. It has started with you releasing your grip on the crutch and gaining some ...I want to say perspective but it's not the right word. You are doing well OP is all. She has set you on your way.

Thank you everyone, all of your comments are really helpful

MN can be a very kind place at times 😊

Your mum has done the right thing and your DH needs to do the same.

Your mum has essentially enabled this behaviour for 40 years and she’s now realising she should have done this years ago.
You cannot get any better when you have people enabling you.

There are 2 separate issues here - your health anxiety and you telling people about it.

You can easily stop telling people about it and so that should be your first task.
It must be absolutely exhausting for the people around you to keep hearing about it.
If you need to talk to someone then talk to ChatGPT.
There’s also less chance of your DCs hearing it and picking up on it.

Your other issue is obviously the anxiety itself which is going to need professional help.

I would also find ways to manage anxiety in general - walking, yoga, breathing exercises (ChatGPT is good for this too).
Do these things when you’re not anxious as well as when you are.

I really think taking up running and meditation would be really useful for you.

I am currently undergoing a check to see if I have cervical cancer.
Of course I am a bit worried but there’s no point in me being overly worried unless I get the actual diagnosis.
So I just keep busy and try not to think about it.

What is your life like?
Do you work, study, have hobbies?

OP I have no advice to offer but just wanted to say that I also suffer from health anxiety. Everything you have said resonates with me greatly so know you are not alone. Sending hugs.

Have you thought about the mental toll this could be taking on your DM? The constant worry about your children grinds you down

I get it op I’ve got an anxiety disorder as well, sometimes health related but it’s generalised anxiety really.

Whenever I have a bad anxiety spiral what’s helped me the most is talking therapy that incorporates CBT. Unpicking where all these feelings stem from is a huge help. It feels like the pieces of a puzzle fitting together, and just understanding why your mind is thinking the way it is is a relief. Obviously talking to somebody and just getting everything out of your brain is cathartic, then the CBT aspect on top of that is great for me to deal with the anxiety, and use different CBT strategies to help manage it. I know what the NHS can offer is limited and many areas have long waiting times, so if you can afford to I’d go privately, I’ve dipped into my savings in the past. Just make sure you use an accredited organisation to find a therapist like the BACP website, so they’re properly vetted and have all the right qualifications etc

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

I had 2 friends that had crippling health anxiety.

I had to distance myself from both in the end as it became all consuming for me too. I felt awful, but I literally couldn't cope any more. No amount of reassurance, fact or support seemed to help.

Are you having counselling? Health anxiety is definitely something that needs professional help in my opinion xx

@Cucy I'm sorry to hear about your tests and I hope all is okay and comes back clear

I work, my job is very busy which helps a lot and I have just started a new exercise regime which is also helping

I do need to cope on my own, I just don't know how. There have been some really helpful suggestions though so I am going to keep going and see what else the GP can recommend

@Mumble12 I'm sorry to hear about the toll it took on you.

I try really hard not to mention it to my DH but it all comes out sometimes when I get overwhelmed and he knows I'm not my normal self

It's in those times I need some alternative coping strategies

@restbite yes I do worry about that, I try so hard not to message her but it overwhelms me at times. Hence why I need better coping strategies

@Ivyy that's really helpful, thank you. I have done CBT before but it didn't really work for me, however I was waiting for an operation at the time so I think the anxiety was at an all time high, I will give it another go